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The Idea-Man

2019-11-10T14:05:33+00:00

have you ever met an idea-man? someone who loves to give you ideas for your life or business but they have no intentions of helping, of bringing anything to life, they are just full of ideas…

i’m full of ideas, for MY life and MY business, but i keep most of them to myself. Some of my ideas are even sacred to me, as if i personally need to fulfill them, so i could never just give them away. sure i brainstorm with people i trust but i let all the thoughts i gather about my idea roll around within me until the time is right and the idea for version 0.01 is complete.

we are all creative whether you believe it or not, whether you flex your creative muscle or not, whether you embrace your imaginative consciousness or not. our creativity as humans is like the coolest thing about us yet soooo many people say “i don’t have a creative bone in my body”.

it makes me sad to hear that or “i’m not creative”. it’s more like “i choose not to create” and truthfully that’s the saddest truth of all. you are more than able of creating, you are more than capable of coming up with new ideas to enhance your life, you are exponentially more powerful then you choose to believe you are.

your ideas are meant to fuel your life. but it’s the truth in your heart that leads your way towards the most fulfilling things you’ll ever experience. i believe our consciousness is behind our creative sparks. it’s not our human, he or she is just here to execute, it’s that spirit, that soul within you that thrives through your own purposeful creations.

therefore, if my theory is correct (which it probably isn’t and there is no way to prove it) then, your creativity, your ideas, are relatively private. i’m not saying you can’t share them, or tell people what has worked for you in hopes it will spark some idea within them but…

it’s almost intrusive to GIVE someone your ideas when they don’t ask for them. this is exactly what an idea-man does. gives without your openness to receive. idea-men come up with ways to help everyone but lack in ways to help themselves. they give you ideas and impatiently wait for you to run with ‘em.

have you ever been should on? sure you have, we all have and i’m sure you’ve even should on yourself a million times before now. but that’s the thing about idea-men, they should all over you and that shit builds up.

my dad’s a should-er. his most famous line is “you know what you need to do…” and NO, that is NOT a question, that’s a lead in for idea-man to explode his or her shoulds all over you.

what i really want to say is, reserve your creativity for the best things in your own life. if it’s your job, a special project, your favorite past time, whatever the thing, make sure it’s something that deserves your creativity, something that impacts your life, and something that will enhance what you do daily.

in the book “Big Magic”, Liz wrote one of the most important lessons i’ve ever learned about creativeity. the creations in your mind, want to be free and if you don’t free them, someone else will. meaning, that idea will go find another human to inhabit and that human will bring it to life because you weren’t doing the idea justice by letting it just live in your head.

sparks of creativity are not just nothing, they are EVERYTHING when it comes to creating the life you want to live. so don’t just aspire to be someone else’s idea-man. “i gave her that idea” is not actually something to praise, the execution of something successful is, but the idea that you gave had no role in bringing it to life, it’s no longer yours, and truthfully, never was.

if you treat your creativity, your ideas like they aren’t sacred or special, like they are doubloons to be thrown away off a Mardi Gras float, then all the best ideas will find better humans to bring them to life.

so use your creativity to create a fulfilling life worth living FOR YOU. sure, help people along the way, but creative advice is just like any other advice, it’s gross, no one likes being should on.

The Idea-Man2019-11-10T14:05:33+00:00

I Fell Into A Fear Trap

2019-11-10T14:08:01+00:00

My own fears put a wall between myself and my partner.

I’m not exactly into the most common ways of doing things and because my way of thinking challenges our sturdy cultural foundation, I’m scared he will not accept or agree to the things I want.

But that paralyzing fear, keeps me from being honest and truthful — with myself AND with him. And therefore, prevents him from ever having the chance to accept all of me or to entertain my ideas.

I always say, “Let people surprise you” but I’m not taking my own advice when it comes to the most important person in my life.

Years back I read a book called ‘the way to love’.  It was so heavy, and so deep, and it challenged every natural human instinct I had.

So many chapters in the book encourage a release of expectations, attachments and the debilitating human need to be especial. These concepts changed my life. This way of thinking, living and being, brought so much lightness to my heart, it allowed me to begin cultivating grace and resilience as a result.

These lessons, these words and these practices changed my life, yet I have abandoned them by letting my fears overrule.

Fear is a sneaky, clever, conniving son of a bitch. I know I need fear so that i can easily recognize love and truth but im fucking pissed at fear. I feel like I got conned.

Buuut, that’s fear’s modus operandi isn’t it? To convince you to believe something that isn’t true.

Fear is not a supportive friend. Every time i bare my heart and write my partner a letter, fear says “he’s not going to understand you” “this will be the thing that makes him leave” “you’re too much”.

Fear is deceptive and manipulative, but my heart knows the truth. I must be honest — with myself and with him, out-fucking-loud. I must dare to be the bravest & rawest version of myself if i wish to live my own truth (despite my fears of what he may think).

Fear doesn’t love or understand love. Love isn’t capable of clinging or suffocating like fear. Love let’s go. Love is honest. And unconditional love doesn’t need to change or fix things to it’s liking.

I know I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I have commitment issues. But it’s all cussing FEAR.

I want unconditional love and commitment but fear separates me from it.

I’m afraid  that if I commit, my heart and body will switch on me. I don’t have complete control. Fuck I barley have any control despite years of practice.

I don’t know how people do it. Get married. Agree to a monogamous relationship forever and ever amen.

My current partner is the only person I’ve seriously considered marrying, and have even wanted to marry but I’ve been disloyal.

[this is where I want to scream “what the fuck is wrong with me?!” But I know the answer — i’m fucking human, and humans are a mess]

I want to say I don’t understand myself, as if I’m possessed, that way I’d have an excuse, but I think I’m in the middle of connecting some dots and figuring a few things out.

Like all humans, Im attached to getting what I want, and I expect that the person who I want the most from, will abide because I’m so especial to him. Well at least that’s how i’ve been acting and it makes me go “ew” at myself.

Obviously, it would do me some good to ponder some old lessons.

I’ll end with this quote my IG friend posted. Its exactly what I needed to hear today…

“If you were wise enough to know that this life would consist mostly of letting go of things you wanted, then why not get good at the letting go, rather than the trying to have.” Miranda July

I Fell Into A Fear Trap2019-11-10T14:08:01+00:00

The Heart Does Not Abide

2019-11-10T14:09:59+00:00

my heart is the captain of this ship, but my head is the first mate callin the shots on deck. the first mate isn’t always loyal to the captain’s wishes. the first mate is both hungry for control and power but also capable of humility and obedience.

one version of the first mate will turn everything the captain says to be in his own favor, the other version sees eye to eye with the captain and happily executes his orders.

sometimes the captain and first mate are very close and truly understand each other, but sometimes the first mate isn’t willing to dig deeper to try to feel where the captain is coming from. sometimes the first mate makes decisions against the captains orders when he doesn’t understand. sometimes he’s just too afraid to do what the captain asks because he lacks faith.

but of course, with the chain of command as it is, when the first mate steps out of line, making his own rules, and wrecking havoc, the captain does not abide.

my heart has become tired of my head this week and chose to take over yesterday. my head set up a bunch of rules for me to follow so that i do only what i’m “supposed to do” but my heart does not abide.

i’ve given my heart the power it has. i’ve encouraged it to lead, to explore and to take me where i need to go even when my head cannot see a clear path to make sense of it. had it not been for this practice before now, i doubt my heart would be strong enough to override my unruly head.

i’m so thankful for all of the time i’ve spent cultivating a keen ear to hear what my heart is saying even when it whispers. in my opinion, you can’t just wake up one day and decide you will “listen your heart” especially if you never have or have betrayed it before.

you actually have to take the time to be still and practice listening, only then can your heart be heard. i think at times you even have to convince your heart that you are open to receive it’s calling by showing up repeatedly to listen even when it doesn’t speak.

i’m committing myself to more meditation in my life. i feel it deep down inside me, my entire being needs more heart — less know-it-all bullshit from my head, more faith and daring greatly from my heart.

from deep within, V

The Heart Does Not Abide2019-11-10T14:09:59+00:00

Being Human Is Tricky.

2019-11-10T14:11:22+00:00

this brain… it’s so smart and so dumb and frustrating and annoying but incredible and quite the blessing. how in the world do we live with such a crazy organ controlling us?!?!?!

but IS it controlling us? IS it??? i want to say yes cuz i know it is sometimes buuuut… it almost seems like there’s this unexplainable, sooooomething elsssssse. i say that with so much uncertainty but this afternoon in my teacher training one of the attendees was talking about how the brain is just an organ with a specific job just like our other organs.

Buuuuut the brain can see itself. Ooooor, it can listen to itself, orrr maybe it’s our “consciousness” that is able to see the thoughts in our own brains? i dunno but that shit is more complex than my brain can understand.

It’s fucking CRAZY that you can actually observe thoughts going thru your brain, i mean… are there two of me!?!?!

how can it be that i KNOW what is best for me yet there is part of me that insists on choosing the things that do not align with what I KNOW to be best for me? how the cuss does that work?

i know you know what i mean.

i don’t even know if this is accurate to say but it’s like “part” of my brain works habitually or, in a programmed method, like it’s trying to conserve energy, make routines and keep shit simple. which makes sense… but then there’s this other “part” of my brain that IF IT SO CHOOSES, can pay attention to myself performing habits and choose to stop them. [brain exploding emoji here]

alright so i know i’m not completely in control of my brain, that part is obvious, but am i in complete control of my consciousness? i thiiiink so.

i want my consciousness to gain enough strength to tame my mind. it’s impossible to stop thinking, i know that, but i can focus my thoughts. with brain endurance and strength i can stay aware and shift the thoughts as they come. but this mind is WILD, there are too many total thoughts, it’s impossible to shift them all.

mmmm i think it’s all starting to come together for me. if part of my brain is really good at habits, programs, and routines, and i teach my brain, using my consciousness, what is expected, what the common theme is and what direction i tend to push my thoughts, then the program can take over and attempt to keep up my good habits right?!!?

i dunno… i kinda feel like i don’t know my brain at all right now. i think i’ll pick back up “The Power of Now” and get back to you on this.

V.

Being Human Is Tricky.2019-11-10T14:11:22+00:00

Whether You Land The Step, Or Fall, It’s Still Forward Motion

2019-11-10T14:13:17+00:00

what did you wanna do when you grew up?
fuck if i ever really knew. i have commitment issues.

what about after high school?
i couldn’t make up my mind.

when was the first time you knew what you wanted to do with yourself, with your life, and with your time?
i knew about 7 years ago when i decided i wanted to take yoga teacher training. during the training, i was asked to write “what do you stand for, what impact do you wish to make?”

i answered “i mean to empower the people i come into contact with. to inspire, not only through my service, but through living by example.” “i stand for self-empowerment, i want everyone to believe in their own power.” And in my answers to the writing prompts that followed i wrote all about how i see myself living a balanced, wholehearted life in the future.

[if you’ve never heard Brene Brown’s description of wholehearted people or read any of her books, GET ON THAT SHIT. start with The Gifts of Imperfection]

i wrote that when i was 30. for the first time in my life, i declared what i wanted, what i meant to do and how i meant to spend my time. and i fucking meant it.

but how do i go from mildly conscious, getting pushed around by life, unhappy in so many arenas, hurt, sad, angry, and laying flat on my back where my life had left me — to where i wanted to be?

first thing’s first. when you’re lying flat on your back, start by rolling over. make like a cat and get your feet on the ground, this part is survival instinct, i can’t tell you how, it’s just like a bug or a turtle who gets flipped over, if you want to live, you just do it.

then what do you do? shit, YOU MOVE FORWARD. if all you can do is crawl, you slide one knee forward, if you can stand up, you step into that lunge position to prepare. you absolutely cannot rely on someone else to help you up, YOU have got to do this work.

and then you fucking propel yourself forward and find the strength to get your second leg to move forward as well, you catch yourself, you wobble but you learn how to balance all over again, you learn to walk, and jog, and run, and jump all over again. you get to where you’re goin, when you keep moving forward, ONE step at a time.

that’s how i got here. i learned to own all of myself. i learned to control all of myself. i learned this is a never-ending process and i’ll never master it. BUT with all my forward motion, SHIFT HAPPENED. for most of it, i had my head down just barreling though some seriously tough stuff but a few years ago i lifted my head and realized, i was mostly there.

i also wrote in my journal during training that in 10 years “I will have multiple levels of balance in my life due to an acute awareness of all things that surround me”. i wrote that in my mildly conscious state, getting pushed around by my life, unhappy in so many arenas of my life, hurt, sad, angry, and laying flat on my back where my life had left me.

in a dark hour, i had hope, i could see the light, and even though i had no cussing clue how i was going to get myself from here to there, i took one baby step forward at a time, through the muck, falling, allowing myself to wallow for a short time, then pulling myself back up. the aim has always been to just keep moving forward. whether it’s a step or a fall, it’s still forward motion.

and with that simple, solid method of forcing myself to continually take ONE step forward, i made it here. awake, aware, conscious and continuously ready to learn, to experience and sometimes to just be without the need to “do” anything. part of balance is, just being, and taking it all in — i know that now.

i’m still a work in progress. although my discipline to keep up with my intentional daily habits fluctuates, i generally get enough sleep, i eat more food that comes from the earth than from a box, i enjoy going to work everyday and my job is to empower people to empower themselves.

balance will always be an aim for me and as my life changes, the way i balance my life and my time will change too.

clear conscious awareness is also always my aim. i want to see the steps i took to succeed as much as i see the small little jabs i take at myself. i try to always be hyper aware of what i’m doing to continue to grow AND what i’m doing to create my own self sabotage.

being a human is tricky. finding balance as a human in a modern world is extremely tricky. so, if you’re going to get control of yourself, ya better get clever and find a way to walk, talk, and stand steady in an ever-changing chaotic world.

here’s a tip — always maintain enough courage and strength to take one step forward. even if you fall, it’s still forward motion.

last night, i led Day 1 of my very own Yoga Teacher Training program. the work may never be done, but, i made it. i’m finally succeeding in what i set out to do, how to be, and how to live.

i feel like a blessing to myself. i did all that work, so much cussing work JUST. FOR. ME. and now i’m right here, exactly where i meant for myself to be. 🙂

Whether You Land The Step, Or Fall, It’s Still Forward Motion2019-11-10T14:13:17+00:00

My Phone Has Me On A Leash

2019-11-10T14:15:15+00:00

i hear teachers talking about the extremely low attention spans in children these days. i think i got the bug too. i can see myself unsettled and under-stimulated as i reach for my phone with NO real purpose other than to compulsively look at it to keep me DOING something.

i see how that stupid little handheld device is owning me.

i’ve written about my phone and how i’m was trying to break my bad habit of touching it before but nothing has ever stuck. i think the real change will come after my countless realizations about the person i have become (habits and all) and the mindful awareness that something other than me is running the show from time to time.

i don’t like to be ruled, bossed, owned, or controlled in any way (i’m sort of a brat like that). if i realize enough times that my phone is keeping me on a leash, i’ll change. i can feel the strength for this change building inside me but i may be a while out from something big.

My real life, OFF the screen is SO good. part of my compulsion is to take photos of my “so good real life”. As if i cannot trust my brain to remember the things i experience (although that may be true) and if i don’t share my life on my IG story no one will know how good it is. I have to intentionally remind myself NOT to take a picture because that’s how i miss the moment passing over and over again.

another compulsion is to keep my email inbox clean. so when email notifications come though that i can move to a folder or delete, I MUST DO IT immediately. i find this behavior to be some strong auto-pilot thing i started when i was overwhelmed with freelance work a few years ago and i haven’t been able to cut it out since.

of course, social media is an addiction but more than not, i open the app, see if i have notifications, realize i don’t and close it back down. is that really necessary?! no… i’m saying no, so why do i compulsively do it!?

perhaps it all comes down to my lack of appreciation for the space between. i’m always trying to fill it with something. while driving i can’t just drive i must look at the phone or sing with the radio. while working when i need a break, i don’t get up and walk, i pick up my phone (forehead smack). when i’m outside with my dogs and am pausing for a moment to let them run around, why not get a phone fix?

i’ve decided i’m not going to set yet another worthless goal to change my habits but i am going to commit to paying more attention to how i spend my time in the space between the things i do.

stillness, patience, waiting — these are the things i need to practice rather than finger dexterity 50+ times a day.

always practicing, always winning and losing, always sharing how it goes, Veazey

My Phone Has Me On A Leash2019-11-10T14:15:15+00:00

Visiting Cementland

2019-11-10T14:17:07+00:00

step out of your regular environment, just for a second, and see where your heart takes you.

my heart brought me to houston to see a friend. ugh, houston is not my favorite. i moved here when i was 20 to finish college at the Art Institute of Houston. i was here because here is where i was doing the work. the moment i was done with my degree, i moved away.

i arrived here in houston last night around 7pm. immediately, i remembered what my 21 year old self realized so long ago — this place is OFF. i couldn’t put my finger on it years ago but i called it “cementland” which is, in essence, the foundation of why the moment i arrive here i feel OFF.

cement puts a barrier between you and the earth beneath your feet. the “off” that i feel is the severed connection between me and the Earth. i just realized this and realized how important it has been to me my whole life whether i realized it or not. i NEED the Earth, i need to touch it and feel it and breath it… OFTEN.

whether it’s in the subconscious, the unconscious or in full awareness, your body needs to know that the Earth is near. your body needs to touch it to recharge. your body needs to breathe it to feel alive. your body needs the earth to LIVE.

last weekend i received a message that a guy i went to college with here in houston is in the ICU and shit doesn’t look good. i asked my people, “can you cover for me?” and they said yes so here i am. in houston. in cementland. surrounded by dis-EASE.

disease isn’t necessarily something that attacks you. disease happens when your body falls out of sync with it’s usual contented state of “ease”. imbalance within yourself IS dis-ease. imbalance between you and the world around you is disease. anything that keeps you from the truth, the roots, the most natural state of you, can create disease in your life and in your body.

i came here to feel something, but right now, i just feel sad. i came to be with my friend and that’s all i’m really here to do. everything else that bubbles up is bonus.

let me be clear, i don’t think that all my people here in houston are sick because of the cementland BUT… i don’t think it’s helping. disease can find anyone, anywhere at anytime. it’s so so so much bigger than this. this is just what i’m writing about today.

if you’re here, i’m not bragging like i live in a “better” place, i’m noticing that where i live, i feel much more connected and THAT enables more ease in my life.

there is a lot on my mind right now, but this is all that is willing to pour out of my fingerstips.

V

Visiting Cementland2019-11-10T14:17:07+00:00

See What Is

2019-11-10T14:18:58+00:00

i’m deep in the practice of letting things unfold.

sure, i’m applying a little force here and there but then i’m intentionally stepping back and letting things be while i observe the energy of this world and the universe.

this “letting things be” is a BIG balancer in my life. i used to be a perfectionist, control freak but i honestly ran out of energy for it the older i got and the more i grew out of old habits.

just like giving and receiving complete the circle, the same goes for effort and ease. your life must consist of both Yin and Yang to be complete, to be content, to be truly fulfilling.

between the Yoga studio and my yoga teacher training course that starts in a month, there is a TON of effort going in. but i recognize this, and i consciously pause and let things show me how they are meant to be. i push, and watch the direction things roll. i play, and feel the impact in my heart. i explore, and learn from everything that arises.

i believe simply sitting in observation is one of the most important daily practices a human needs to thrive. like alan watts says, “if you’re constantly thinking, then you have nothing to talk about but your own thoughts.” there is infinitely more to life than what is in your own head. see what is, and you will witness the most beautiful things in life.

Alan Watts also talks about how putting effort into your own liberation is futile, check it out. it is my experience, that the greatest accomplishments of my life were not the direct result of my efforts. no, my GREATEST accomplishments have come to be through the perfect balance of my efforts and my observations.

it is my hope that through my sharing this, you may be able to observe your own thoughts, words and actions to reveal which you need more of to balance your own life: effort or observation.

i appreciate you, and your support by reading what i write. it’s one of my favorite things in life: writing down the process as i learn and grow.

words from my heart, Veazey

See What Is2019-11-10T14:18:58+00:00

The Beast Of Learning — And Practicing

2019-11-10T14:20:02+00:00

you’re human. you have this inherent ability to constantly learn but are you learning what is necessary for your own growth and prosperity? there is so much to learn about you physically, mentally and spiritually that it could take an entire lifetime — or more realistically, lifetimeS. so is this “practice” of learning about yourself a priority in your life’s work?

you learn whether you’re aware or not. first, you learn how to control your body, how to walk, cry, eat sleep. then you learn how to talk, how to communicate and how to manipulate. if you’re lucky, something in your life will lead you to learn about your connection to it all and your place here on earth.

maybe one day, you wake up and realize you like learning about the mysteries of you and jump on the fast track to a deeper understanding of you.

with physical practices like movement, yoga, body control, breathing, and nervous system training, you can learn loads about your body, about your health, about your resiliency, and about your own dis-ease.

through mindful practices like meditation, yoga, writing, talking to a therapist, or creating art, you can learn so much about what makes you tick, what your heart beats for and what has you tied down.

within your moving and mindful practices, a spiritual practice is born. in my opinion, it’s not really a thing you set out to practice, it just appears like magic while you practice. it’s just like this smokey air that blows through, makes everything sticky (in the fertile sense) and binds you to your practices with curiosity and passion.

time is all you really have to give — to yourself, to the things you love, and to the people you want in your life.

when you practice movement, mindfulness, and as a result, spirituality, you put TIME into YOU. if you lack discipline, find your drive hidden within everything you practice. it’s in that endless curiosity and passion that is created through explorative study. your drive to keep going, to keep practicing, and to keep doing the hard work, is in you — and it’s only revealed when YOU spend your TIME on your PRACTICE.

Perhaps the whole point of life is just that… Spend. Time. Practicing. Being. Human.

Sometimes the truth is a sneaky bitch. Love, V

The Beast Of Learning — And Practicing2019-11-10T14:20:02+00:00

Hey, Is That Working?

2019-11-10T14:22:49+00:00

i am a work in progress.

we all are. that’s kinda what’s cool about being human. when your work is finally finished, you’ll be dead. so you never have to live one day as anything other than a work in progress. you never have to put yourself out there as a finished piece for the world to criticize.

my game, my way of being and my life’s work is to look at every aspect of my life and ask, “is that working?”

i ask this with the food i eat, the exercise i practice, the people i keep close, the things i do at the studio.

seriously though, i do this with EVERYTHING. i ask “is that working?” for choosing a hand to brush my teeth with, the container i use for water, the speed of my computer, the efficiency of my daily schedule, cutting veggies up for juicing, the fulfillment of my job, the fulfillment of my closest relationships. the list goes on for-ev-verrrrrrr.

there’s only a few real answers to that question “yes”, “no”, “sorta”, and “not really”. based on these answers, i make decisions about how i choose to think, speak, and act.

when the answer is “no” or “not really”, i try new ways of thinking, speaking and acting. i truly keep an open mind and i try new things. sometimes, the new things don’t help or hurt anything but they aren’t necessarily better. sometimes the new things i try are a step in the right direction but sometimes i try things and end up getting burned.

in my opinion, all outcomes are worth the risk. the burn scars are worth the learning experience and the story. all of the attempts that felt like they got you nowhere were exercises in determination, courage and discipline. and, of course, the new things you try that actually work out great make this whole trial and error game stimulating enough to keep playing.

this is my practice. i’m rather proud of my growth, as well as the scars, that have come from it.

STEP 1: ask yourself, “is that working?”

STEP 2: based on your answer, try new things if necessary.

STEP 3: win some, lose some, get nowhere and go the distance.

STEP 4: observe your growth and tell stories along the way.

Live as a work in progress, die a masterpiece.

from somewhere in the middle of Kansas, Veazey

Hey, Is That Working?2019-11-10T14:22:49+00:00
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