i hear teachers talking about the extremely low attention spans in children these days. i think i got the bug too. i can see myself unsettled and under-stimulated as i reach for my phone with NO real purpose other than to compulsively look at it to keep me DOING something.

i see how that stupid little handheld device is owning me.

i’ve written about my phone and how i’m was trying to break my bad habit of touching it before but nothing has ever stuck. i think the real change will come after my countless realizations about the person i have become (habits and all) and the mindful awareness that something other than me is running the show from time to time.

i don’t like to be ruled, bossed, owned, or controlled in any way (i’m sort of a brat like that). if i realize enough times that my phone is keeping me on a leash, i’ll change. i can feel the strength for this change building inside me but i may be a while out from something big.

My real life, OFF the screen is SO good. part of my compulsion is to take photos of my “so good real life”. As if i cannot trust my brain to remember the things i experience (although that may be true) and if i don’t share my life on my IG story no one will know how good it is. I have to intentionally remind myself NOT to take a picture because that’s how i miss the moment passing over and over again.

another compulsion is to keep my email inbox clean. so when email notifications come though that i can move to a folder or delete, I MUST DO IT immediately. i find this behavior to be some strong auto-pilot thing i started when i was overwhelmed with freelance work a few years ago and i haven’t been able to cut it out since.

of course, social media is an addiction but more than not, i open the app, see if i have notifications, realize i don’t and close it back down. is that really necessary?! no… i’m saying no, so why do i compulsively do it!?

perhaps it all comes down to my lack of appreciation for the space between. i’m always trying to fill it with something. while driving i can’t just drive i must look at the phone or sing with the radio. while working when i need a break, i don’t get up and walk, i pick up my phone (forehead smack). when i’m outside with my dogs and am pausing for a moment to let them run around, why not get a phone fix?

i’ve decided i’m not going to set yet another worthless goal to change my habits but i am going to commit to paying more attention to how i spend my time in the space between the things i do.

stillness, patience, waiting — these are the things i need to practice rather than finger dexterity 50+ times a day.

always practicing, always winning and losing, always sharing how it goes, Veazey