journey of the soul

I’ve been censoring myself


Over the last decade I’ve learned so much about self-censorship. I’ve realized how important it is to be aware of all self-censorship because, in essence, it is an act of repression and therefore an inhibitor of growth. When we fully express ourselves, just as when all animals fully express themselves, we thrive and live to our fullest potential.

In my previous romantic relationship, I recognized my behaviors of self-censorship. When I saw it, I was heartbroken. I don’t know about everybody else but around age 30 I found the voice of my soul, my heart, my intuition, my internal guidance system, my God, me — I found my divine voice. When I found it, I listened to it often, I listened intently, I heeded the messages, and I acted in accordance to the guidance. It felt like a devotion to my soul — my connection to divine consciousness. I found purpose, unconditional love, and ultimate freedom.

But you know what humans do… I followed my internal guidance system—until I didn’t. Humans have these curtains that cloud our perception. Your perception is everything. And—your soul sees everything. Consider your soul to be like the keeper of the scale. Being human, you’re an animal, you are always going to tip the scale into the wild realm of existence—where the satiation of the beast rules. And the divine consciousness that we humans are blessed to have is always going to try to rebalance the scale pulling you more into your consciousness connected to divine consciousness.

In the wild realm of your existence, the priorities differ from the aims of divine consciousness. The wild is like chaos where survival, safety, and comfort rule. The divine consciousness is like order where solid foundations are built to grow upon with infinite stability to weather the storms of existence.

When we censor ourselves, we are siding with survival, safety, and comfort. In my previous romantic relationship I began to hide my true expressions. I felt things, but I didn’t share them. I am, can be, have been and still will be a big expressor. If you’ve been on this email list for years then you know. I write to express and I mean it when I say it comes from my soul, it comes from divine consciousness. I barely think to write these things, they just flow out of me.

The reason I want to share about self-censorship in my last relationship is because I recognize I’ve been doing it lately—although it’s different this time. I’ve been censoring my messages to you, and on my social media accounts. I have my reasons, we can justify my choice all day but the major problem is—I’m not expressing myself fully with you and as I had previously mentioned, to me this is an act of repression and therefore an inhibitor of my growth. That is just NOT like me. So, I’m done censoring myself, I’m coming clean…

I am with the man of my dreams, my mate in soul-work & child-rearing, my partner in healing the earth as well as humankind. Having connected with him at the perfectly ripe age of 39, we unexpectedly, but quite excitedly made a baby. I am 7 months pregnant and I feel like I am flying. Here’a a photo if you’d like to see 🙂

I’ve always wanted kids but it just never fit the bill at any time or in any relationship. About 2 years ago, my menstrual cycle started to change and did not look or feel heathy or fertile. I had my IUD removed with the intention to cease all external birth control methods. I vowed to learn about and heal whatever was going on in my body. I started down this path by choosing to see a doctor about my cycle health.

I went to the seemingly most natural doctor in town and was told I was premenopausal then put on thyroid medicine and hormone cream. This is 100% against my way but I was scared and desperate and seeking comfort for a problem I wasn’t ready to face on my own. By this time, fortunately, I had been working hard on my over-abundance of self-censorship and recognized by using the pharmaceuticals I was censoring my true feelings and therefore not behaving in alignment with my soul’s divine consciousness.

So, I stopped the pharmaceuticals and I spent time meditating and listening to the things I had been missing that came from my heart & intuition. In my meditations, in my intentions, in my full and uninhabited self-expression I healed myself. Coincidentally, not only did I learn my fertility healing journey needed my attention, but I learned even more about my censorship with my previous romantic partner and was finally empowered to end it.

Continuing to listen to my heart and intuition, I came to a place where it was ok to grieve not ever having children, and embrace all the ways I can remain fertile and devote myself to another path. I also came to a place where I was ready and felt resilient enough to be without a romantic relationship for a long time. The only choice according to my heart & soul was to wait for THE man who’s life, intention, and soul aligned with mine. THE man who could hold space for my fullest, most authentic expression and encourage me to always express freely.

It is my understanding that we self-censor in order to fit in, to be loved, and to keep conflict to a minimum. When we spend time with people or on things that don’t align with the aim of our soul’s divine consciousness, we come to a crossroads. One path chooses misalignment which, in essence, is choosing chaos but also choosing survival, safety, and comfort. The other path chooses alignment, to heed the message of the soul and to act despite the challenges that arise—to face life head on with the aim towards growth.

Expressing yourself honestly, vulnerably, and boldly IS the path towards growth. If you’re afraid you won’t fit in, if you’re afraid you won’t be loved, or if you’re afraid of the conflict that will inevitably arise you will censor yourself and ultimately repress your potential as well as inhibit your growth. In my experience being human, the lessons come up on repeat enough times that if I don’t choose growth, the only alternative is to keep running my head into a wall. That hurts, makes me less cute, and is ultimately exhausting. If you stay strong on the path, growth isn’t exhausting, it’s exhilarating.

Onward & upward — keep growing fellow humans.

Words from my soul to yours, Veazey

I’ve been censoring myself2022-12-27T23:26:35+00:00

Authenticity’s arch nemesis is “the lie”.


*If you’d rather listen, I posted a video on Instagram

What’s worse? Causing someone pain or lying to keep from causing someone pain? Lying to not only them, but lying to yourself — denying and betraying the truth in your heart.

Do you lie because you don’t want the truth known?
— embarrassed by your own feelings, afraid you won’t be understood.
Do you lie to avoid an uncomfortable conversation?
— because you don’t want to incite pain, emotions, or tears.
Do you lie to make it more comfortable for everyone?
— including for yourself, best to avoid confrontation, conflict and discomfort.
Do you lie because telling the truth will be a whole thing?
— questions will arise and it will take too much time or energy to answer.

To be authentic is to live a life that honors the truth in your heart, as well as the truth within others — unapologetic authenticity does not avoid truth, neither yours nor theirs. To be authentic is to explore anything you find yourself lying about — like your own inner mama bear moves in to the house and doesn’t let you get away with anything. To be authentic is to take time to become more aware of yourself in order to become yourself from the inside out — rather than develop a sense of self based on the world around you.

It’s understandable why you wouldn’t want to cause another person pain. We hurt ourselves when we hurt others. But pain cannot be separated from growth. Growing pains your soul when a shift is needed to bring alignment between your head and heart — your heart whispers, sings and cries out to make you aware of the truth in your heart. Your heart aches for you to see the depths of yourself and to live according to your soul’s desires.

Growing pains your body in many ways. Thoughts and emotions penetrate your peaceful equilibrium unsettling your body. Unintentional neglect of different elements of your life that affect your body can cause a slow-growing illness or create a weakened state that enables an injury to occur. Pain from injury, pain from illness, and pain from emotions are capable of all carrying the same amount of discomfort. Pain is your body’s way of communicating to you about something you aren’t fully aware of yet.

Growing pains your mind. Acknowledge the way a thought can make you sick. As long as there is conflict, stress and tension between what your heart is asking of you and the way you are actually living your life moment by moment, you will experience pain and discomfort in your mind.

Growth requires you to go through your pain and to learn from it. What do you do when you feel pain? If you’re ever going to heal your own pain, you must become aware of it. Can you make it a habit to face it despite your fear of it? Watch yourself the way you’d get into a movie. See when you try and fail to separate yourself from pain — to separate yourself from the pain that is inside you, the pain that IS you, inseparable from you. Facing pain owns it, acts upon it, and ultimately overcomes it by allowing it to pass each and every time is arises slowly becoming less and less painful as each flow passes.

Growth, and therefore healing, are easily stunted by simply choosing to oppose or to deny pain when it arises. By turning away from pain, you succumb to it. By ignoring it, numbing it, or just hoping it will go away it has already overcome you.

Realize though, that both growth and pain arise when you take the path that leads towards deeper and deeper alignment between your head and your heart.

Every situation in your life provides infinite moments to practice thinking, speaking, and acting in alignment with your heart. No one is all the way there,— otherwise, you couldn’t be called a human as we are flawed by design.

Every single human — YOU, in each and every moment of your life, are somewhere in the practice of looking for ways to align with your heart to express your authenticity and to empower your own sovereignty.

Every single human — YOU are also cowering away from the fear of pain that comes from your own betrayal, from the pain of growth, and the pain that must be endured to heal.

This is why we must go looking for all of the ways we lie. Lying is a pain deterrent. Lying is an authenticity destroyer. Lying is driven by fear. Lying is not living, it is dying, cowardly.

You are not a victim of circumstance unless you choose that point of view to contain yourself in. You are not in control of your life unless you choose that point of view opening yourself up to infinite potential.

You don’t have to be what others have asked you to. You don’t have to think how others insist you think. You don’t have to do what others expect you to do. You don’t have to ANYTHING — you GET to do it all. You GET to act like a fool assuming the whole world is against you because you’re choosing to see it from a narrow point of view. You GET to go wild and crazy in life and test your limitations despite the pain that arises with each fall.

You get to have the experience you choose to have. You get to be what you ask of yourself. You get to think how you insist yourself to think. You get to do what your heart expects from you.

You get to everything in this life from within yourself. Your mind, body, and heart are the vessel sailing you forward from moment to moment. You sail through heaven and hell, you sail through fear and pain, you get to sail into possibility and pleasure upon your choosing.

The journey is the destination — let your heart be your guide through the ecstasy that this life provides.

Authenticity’s arch nemesis is “the lie”.2022-04-24T14:35:08+00:00

humankind’s patriot


for a very long time, i’ve let the wind blow me where i need to go. for about a decade now, i’ve kept my connection to my heart strong so that i can hear it whether it whispers, sings, or sounds the alarm. when i meditate, i allow myself to be pulled into a world beyond my own capacity for understanding. while awake i watch for signs, synchronicities, energetic pushes, the appearance of animals, the weather, the rise and fall of the sun as well as the moon. while asleep i see, experience, and bear witness to a whole world of things unavailable to my conscious mind.

the soul’s longing of the great spirit is everywhere. our human experience is steeped in it. if you’re looking to see with only your eyes you’ll never see all there is to see. if you’re listening to this world with only your ears, you’re missing out on so so much. if feeling is something you only experience through your skin and emotions, you have yet to experience the depths of feeling—feeling can become knowing. what you ‘know’ is a vast, infinite array of knowledge stretching far beyond your learned experience here on earth as this human.

it’s my understanding that we arrive here, as babes, in-tune with, and aware of, that infinite knowledge but we must learn to ‘know’ as a human, along with learning to know everything else that comes with being human. each day we learn things, pick up on things, and express things as both babes and adults. the process of maturation (birth, becoming mature, then dying) is the box we humans live in.

say we know before we can speak, but our inabilities hold our tongue. human life uses a ton of brain capacity. so, in order to thrive as human, we prioritize the knowledge we’ve consumed and make the important stuff for survival and comfort readily available. we keep memories from this lifetime indexed and ready to recall when something similar happens to us so that we can reference them. therefore, inevitably (with very very few exceptions), humans forget what we once knew—in order to be human.

as we mature, we experience a great many possibilities to awaken with more and more awareness of ourselves and the world, to create consciousness beyond the simple experience of our senses, and to build a better understanding of true nature.

the walls of the box we’re in are thick, built with human experience, based on primal instincts—that drive to survive. these walls are cemented in with our trauma and pain. then, plastered with the lies of civilization. even humans living closer to nature have their walls plastered with the dogmas of their people. every human lives within these dense walls, some humans have a lil thinner walls, while some are extremely thick, some humans learn of tools at a young age to pierce holes in the walls gaining tiny peeks at the fabric of existence—what’s behind the curtain if you will.

i am on a hole-poking journey. i don’t think everyone comes here (becomes human) to go on this kind of journey, but i most certainly did. i also came here to be-the-fuck out of being human. as every human is capable of complacency, i am not immune. but, my drive to continuously bring myself up is unbreakable. don’t get me wrong, i am not aiming for super human. i am most certainly not aiming to be someone else. but i observe traits in people and aim to embody those traits out of admiration and because their way, in this particular arena, resonates with me and my way.

it’s inherent to mimic things learned BUT complacency will have you continuing to mimic until death do you and your habits part, stagnant and true to tradition—todays US patriot. however, mimicking alongside your own ascension (accumulating awareness, consciousness and knowledge), will have you evolving with your maturation—humankind’s patriot.

i am, and you are, wild mother-cussin animals crazed and mad to the core, but i am, and you are, capable of some radical matrix magic. being human is fucking NUTS. you’ll die a mad wild animal if you don’t start poking holes in your box. it doesn’t matter how old you are. it doesn’t matter how much time you have. it doesn’t matter how sick you’ve become in mind or body, if you get a glimpse of what lies beyond, even though it’s completely unknowable, the fabric of existence will carry you on—a magic cussin carpet ride if you will.

go deeper, get weirder.

humankind’s patriot2021-06-14T13:07:51+00:00

the light

January 11th, 2014
There’s a place in the world that many of us are familiar with but we haven’t all been. It’s cold, very cold, you have to wear many layers to survive there. It’s also very dark, there is no light at all from the sun. Many people here are in search of the light. The light that will show them the way and the light that will keep them warm. The people here know of light because they used to be able to see it. The people here know of warmth because they used to be able to feel it. But now, it is cold here and it is dark here and the search for light continues.
Most that are new to this place search far and wide, refusing to give up until they find what they are looking for. Many, however, have given up their own search for the light. Some have given up completely and say they no longer care about finding the light, while others, dream of the day when someone will show them the way to the light.
There were rumors that some did find the light but that they disappeared instantly after finding it. Without proof or certainty, many shared the stories of those who have found the light. They would call the people in these stories “hope”. And many would think to themselves, “Hope found the light, and so will I!”. For most, these stories are what kept them going.
One day, a young girl was out searching for the light by herself when her lantern burnt out. She couldn’t see a thing, not even her hand in front of her face. She was so afraid, she was lost, she couldn’t see and she panicked. She started running as fast as she could, scared for her life, desperately trying to find a light to show her the way. Running as fast as she could, suddenly, she tripped and went flying forward through the air. Before she hit the ground, it was like slow motion. The thought ran through her mind “what were you thinking running through the dark unable to see the ground?! now you’re flying through the air probably about to smack right into a tree!” And just then she hit something, but it wasn’t hard and it wasn’t a tree. It was a deep, cold, wet, puddle of mud. Once her momentum had come to a halt she was actually thankful for the mud. She isn’t hurt because it broke her fall but as she stood up afterward she felt the weight of the mud stuck to all of her clothes. It was heavy, and she was tired from running and getting herself all worked up.
She walked a few yards out of the mud before collapsing from exhaustion. She curled up into a ball on the ground. She was freezing. She was beyond tired. And she had no light, no fire and nothing to keep her warm. She had to get out of her clothes. They were soaked in the cold mud and weighed a ton. Layer by layer she began to peel off the clothes she had worn longer than she could remember. While she was unbuttoning the last layer, she thought to herself “I don’t even remember putting this on” and that’s when she saw something peeking through the crack where her shirt was unbuttoned. It was bright and made her squint to look at it. Her heart began to race, she was panicked but this wasn’t at all the same. She ripped off her shirt and a bright golden light shined within her chest. It was so bright she had to look away and that’s when she noticed….
The entire area around her was in her sight. She looked at the ground and saw piles of clothes, soaked in mud, surrounded by green grass. She hadn’t seen color in so long she forgot what it looked like. The grass was so vibrant green she couldn’t blink and she didn’t have to because the tears kept her big eyes wet. The gigantic puddle of mud was only a few feet away. The girl stood up scanning everything around her. It was a beautiful meadow with a shallow stream running through it — thus creating that huge mud puddle. She couldn’t take her eyes off of the scene, it was like seeing color and light for the first time.
Everything was so clear, as far as she could see. That’s when she noticed off in the distance a sparkle of light reflecting off something. The moment she saw that sparkle a bolt of energy shot from her head to her toes. After the shock, she focused her eyes on the object, it was the lantern. She had dropped it when she began to run from the terror of the dark. She thought “I won’t be needing that anymore…” And that’s when it hit her, she didn’t disappear, she was still standing in the exact same place. Letting her light lead the way, she ran as fast as she could but this time, she wasn’t in a panic, she knew exactly where she was going. She was off to share with everyone the secret of the light!
She kept on running until she heard a group of people talking and ran towards the voices. When she arrives, 3 men are sitting in a small circle huddled around a small fire trying to keep warm. As she approaches they don’t even notice her coming. As she’s right upon them they haven’t even noticed her arrival. So she says “Hey! Check this out! Can you see the light?!”. The men turn around startled, looking around in her direction but unable to lay eyes on her. One of the men yells “Is this some sort of joke?!” To which the girl responds, “No! I’m right here, can’t you see me?!” Startled again, at how close she is without their knowing one of them grumbles “Bugger off we don’t have time for this nonsense” and they all turn around to face the fire.
She doesn’t understand, she can see everything, her light is a hundred times brighter than their fire, what are they talking about?! Out of sheer curiosity, she finds a shirt at the bottom of her bag and puts it on. She says “So you mean to tell me you really can’t see me?”. Annoyed, the men turn around and are startled once again, but this time by the sight of the girl standing there towering over them. “Yea, yea so we can see ya, what do you want? We don’t have time for games.” The girl responds “I’ve come to share with you the secret of the light”. The men all laughed.  One of them laughed so hard he almost fell out of his seat. The girl exclaims “I’m serious! I know the secret! The light is underneath our clothes!” The men laughed even harder as if it were the funniest thing they had heard in a very long time. After at least a minute of them laughing in her face, one of them says “Little girl, you know nothing! If the light were underneath our clothes, we never would have put them on to begin with! Now go! Be gone with you we haven’t time for silly little girls with wild imaginations”.
The girl rushed away from the men with tears streaming down her face, she thought to herself “How is this possible? It’s not in my imagination! It’s as real as real can be! If they can’t see my light, how will I convince them where to look to find their own? Oh if only they would just trust me, believe in me, they would see I’m right!”.
As the girl sits in the middle of the meadow, in trance from the bright colorful beauty she wonders to herself “How can I get them to see the light?” and Zing! A bolt of energy passes through the girl again and she knows just what to do. She takes a small box out of her backpack that she used to carry her keepsakes. She takes out her things and puts them back in her pack. She sits back, palms facing up pushed together with the open box resting on them. She closes her eyes and looks for the source of the light inside her. She finds it buried deep within her chest surrounding her heart. She focuses all of her attention and all of her energy into expanding the light inside her chest. She can feel the warmth of the growing light emanating off her skin. She continues to focus on building this light up so that it has nowhere to go but out. The light gets so big and bright, it flushes down her arms into her palms and fingers. Her hands get brighter and brighter and the box begins to glow. The girl moves the rest of the energy in her arms down to per palms and into the box. The light silently seeps in just before she closes the lid of the box.
She brings the box back to the men and says “I have a gift for you. I know you don’t believe me but I’ve taken some of the light inside me and put it into this box for you.” Before she hands it over she pulls the box in close and says “What’s inside this box is a tiny piece of the whole. It won’t last long, but it will give you light and warmth to get you through, so use it wisely. I suggest waiting for a moment when you need it most. When you run out of light in your lantern, when it’s dark, and you’re cold, and you’re scared, and when you stop believing in hope, THEN open the box.” Two of the men laughed almost as hard as they laughed the time before. One of them choking out as he laughs “We don’t believe in ‘hope’ in the first place!” and continued laughing so hard he started to drool. But the one man, who almost fell out of his seat the last time they met, was staring at the box without blinking. Suddenly he shoots out his arm with his palm outstretched and says “Let’s have it then” and the girl placed the box in the man’s hand.
The girl says goodbye and leaves with a smirk. “He will see”, she says to herself as her smirk stretches from ear to ear. The two men that were laughing say to the one with the box “Don’t tell me you actually believe in that mumbo jumbo?!” To which the man replies, “No, of course not, I just like the box”. They all laugh as he stuffs the box away into his pack as they go on with their previous conversations.
Months pass and the men find themselves trudging through a storm. They are unable to keep their lanterns lit and unable to light them back up after they’ve gone out. It’s impossible to find shelter without light. One of the men collapses from exhaustion without the others knowing. Unable to hear each other over the loud sounds of the storm, they leave him behind.
As he lay on the ground, so weak he can barely move, without light, without warmth, without hope, he heard a ringing in his ear and out of nowhere he remembered the young girl’s face. He smiled with the thought of her, at first because of the laugh he had and second because he remembered he still had the box. The man thought to himself “If I”m going to die here, I might as well find out what’s really in the box”. He musters up the rest of his strength to get the box out of his pack. He cracks open the box and low and behold, he can see the light shining through the crack. When he goes to open it more, the box is stuck. He uses every bit of energy he has, straining to open the box. Veins popping out of his neck and forehead he keeps trying until he passes out there on the ground, with the cracked open box still in hand.
The man finally wakes back up by the burning sensation caused by the heat of the box in his palm. “The box is a heater!” the man exclaims as he rubs his hands together and cups them near the box. As some time passes, the man is sweating profusely and decides to peel back some layers. He removes, piece after piece until he was down to the last shirt. He can feel it’s soaked in sweat and decides he will take it off to let it dry. The second he gets the shirt off he is blinded by the most intense light he had ever seen! Shocked by the light he quickly puts his shirt back on and closes his eyes with his hands on his chest.  He thought to himself “I can see!” and he ripped the shirt back off him, standing up to get a look at the world around him.
The scene takes his breath away. Just before he almost passes out again he gasps for air, filling his lungs back up completely, followed by the greatest sigh of relief and more tears streaming down his face then ever had before. He could see. And the girl was right.
The man said out loud “If only I would’ve had faith in her…” and suddenly the small box flies open with the light inside exploding and fizzling out. He picked up the box and saw a tiny piece of paper inside folded up. He opened it up to find a message written in his own handwriting that read: “You did”.
the light2021-01-05T17:52:06+00:00

Searching For Love


August 26, 2014

I don’t remember when it all started but I do remember in middle school, just wanting to be noticed. What is it about being noticed that has so much power? It’s like someone verifying your existence. But why do we need that verification? Perhaps in a sea of other preteens, I wished to be seen. I wished that me, my unique and weird self would be seen and loved. Now did I need that because I wasn’t getting a ton of attention at home? Or did I need that because all preteens need that? I don’t know, but that is the earliest memory I have of craving love.

After being noticed I wanted to be liked. I wanted someone to notice me, my unique self, and then I wanted them to like me. What a bitch it is to seek others approval, yet most everyone does it at some point. I started off needing my parents approval, then from my friends at school and then my teachers, counselors and even strangers. It’s so much easier when people like (or approve of) your words, your thoughts and your actions. If everyone likes and approves of you, who challenges you? Back then it felt like those who truly challenged me, didn’t like me, so I would stay clear of them. I only wanted to be liked, to be loved, I had no room for disapproval in my life.

Once I was liked by someone I wished to be accepted and understood. I wanted those who knew me to see it all, like it all, understood the way I tick and accept me exactly as I am. With my best girlfriends this was easy most of the time. Little girls growing up together, tend to think alike, be alike, even dress alike and act alike. All the rubbing off onto each other paves the way to be accepted and understood by these close friends. So i found love in the space between me and my friends.

Now that I had experienced what it was like to be seen, and liked, and understood, and accepted, i was exposed to the desire to have this in a partner. I don’t know why, but it was the thing to do. I don’t know where I got the idea (maybe from movies) or how in the world it became so powerful but my ideas of what love was were expanding, and I had yet to feel it this way, so naturally, the next step in experiencing this thing called love was to find a partner to experience it with.

This is when love got harder. Not only did I need to be noticed, liked understood and accepted, I had to notice, like, understand and accept someone else exactly as they are. This was so easy to do with my girlfriends. I could see their entire lives, I knew everything, making it so easy for us to understand each other’s words, thoughts and actions. But with someone new, you don’t really get to dive in the same way as with childhood friends. You have to start sharing your story but it’s scary to be so vulnerable with a new person. What if he doesn’t like this? Or understand that? Just the thought of not being accepted when I put myself out there brought in a hint of shame. How did that come to be? Why in THIS moment is it so important for THIS person to understand and accept me? I gave so much power to these moments and the outcome was always only one of two: we both put some stuff out there and were seen, liked, accepted and understood for a while or… something, somewhere in the process was not seen, not liked, not accepted or not understood so I’d quit putting my energy into it. Regardless of whichever way it went, none of these partnerships ever lasted very long but I never ceased to keep searching for a partner that I could have all these gifts with and fully surrender into.

I don’t know why this is such a common thing for so many people, women especially. To wish to seek and find “the” person that will fulfill us. At what point were we programmed to think that we aren’t full without this? What about the people who don’t search for this? Why do we think it’s sad if they always live alone, if they never have kids or a partner in their lives? Perhaps their lives are absent of this particular experience but there are many experiences I myself have not been through. Why does THIS one seem to weigh much more than other common desirable experiences. Growing up, I think the subject came up more than college or my future did. But why? As if heartache is needed to go on with my life, as if disappointment in others really inspires me to keep going, as if I can’t focus on other things until I have this thing.

Along the way, I’d have long moments in need of solitude. What I was looking for in others, I never found, and at times I’d feel that I was the only one who could truly show up for me and I honored that. But before too long, I’d always witness a beautiful partnership and choose to continue my search. This pattern went on for years with no partnership ever sticking for more than a few months at a time. I felt complicated, and misunderstood. I was so sick of missing my mark with all these tryouts so I gave up. I surrendered, and was no longer searching, in fact I was fed up with the thought of a partner all together. So of course, that’s when “he” walked into my life. He noticed me right away, he liked me from the start, he accepted my weirdness as it came up and he always tried his hardest to understand me. I noticed that he noticed, I liked him from the start, I accepted all the weird things about him and I always found a way to understand him. I was 25, and I was finally able to end the search and surrender into safe, secure, trustworthily contentment. Unconditional love. It was pure bliss. I was me, he was him, and it was perfect.

Because I had finally filled that hole that felt like a missing piece, I no longer felt like I was missing out on something that really mattered to me. So for years I rested in complete contentment, happiness and freedom to just be me. Everything that had happened in my life up until this point felt absolutely perfect. Confirming those programmed beliefs that heartache is a necessary experience, disappointment in others never stomped out my hope, and now that I have THIS thing, I can focus on other things. So, I found another hole to fill, another missing piece. This piece was my purpose (did I seriously need a partner before I could address something so fucking important?! I guess I did) and it was more than just MY purpose, it was OUR purpose. So I started posing questions out into the universe and began a new journey within my journey.

The answers I received while on my quest for purpose were irritating at first. “The answer is inside you”, “you already have the knowledge you need”, “look within”, “there’s nothing to search for, you already have it”. Like a broken record all of these answers rolling around in my head day in and day out. So I discovered ways to look within and that’s where I found the REAL hole. I hadn’t given myself me, my love, my energy, my power, my acceptance or my compassion, none of it… and it left a big gaping hole inside me. This hole was so much bigger than the missing partner hole, I think that maybe that was just a divot on the surface caused by the giant underground cave that was below. How is it that this so very important piece of myself has been overlooked for so long and NO ONE had ever taught me about it? How is this not important enough to teach in school?! I remember at the time knowing that I could have never come to this place in my life had I not had that amazing partner in my life. I knew that without him filling that space, I could have never seen these all too important things that need my attention below. Without him, I’d still be on the surface trying to fill the only hole I knew existed.

Right away, I started filling in the cave. I gave myself me, my time, my energy, and started listening to my heart. I gave myself love. I stopped judging myself so harshly and replaced the judgement with acceptance and compassion. Before long, it wasn’t a gaping hole anymore. The more time, energy, and self love, I put into the hole, the fuller it got. I started smashing so much into that hole that it started over flowing and even pushing the partner hole on the surface up and out of existence. Now, he wasn’t filling a hole anymore, he was sitting on top of where the hole used to be. He still noticed me, he still loved me, he still understood me and accepted every crazy part of me, but now, while I did still notice him, love him, accept him and understand him, I didn’t need a partner to fill that need for me anymore. I never really did but the illusion was there and I still believed in it until now.

That’s when I made the most difficult decision that I’ve ever made. I decided to leave my beautiful, perfect partner that noticed me, loved me with all of his heart, understood me and accepted all of me. So now, it’s just me and my (supposedly) whole self. I’m finding how lonely it can be as I realize how dependent I was on him to fill other little holes like my need for attention and approval. As time goes on, being alone is cultivating a sensitivity to things I haven’t been aware of in the past. I am able to see more of myself, I am able to put more faith in myself, and with all of this new awareness, I’m able to love even more of myself. I’ve replaced searching with seeing, seeking with creating, and I know now that, everything I need, really is, within me.

Now I see that love isn’t something to be found. If you seek it, you won’t find it. If you force it, you won’t have it. And if you curse it, you become hardened against it. Your love, isn’t in other people. Your love isn’t in things. Your love is deep within the depths of your soul and it doesn’t need a thing, except for you to “see” it.

I’ve realized I don’t need a partner as much as I need connections. Connections that integrate with all of me instead of filling in holes I haven’t filled myself. Connections that expand the surface area of my being, challenging me and supporting me as I grow bigger than I ever imagined I could be.

Searching For Love2020-12-16T14:10:39+00:00

Just In Case You Didn’t Know…


“Writing is inherently reflective.”

~ Terry Heick

i NEED to write. i’m working on making time in my weekly schedule to write more often. writing has taught me more about myself than anything else i do, including yoga.

when i coach and train clients, there are always writing assignments. between the physical work, the food deprogramming work, and the writing work, hands down, the writing is the most enlightening part.

writing is like taking a bright light and illuminating the hidden parts within you. it’s not always that you know what you are looking at, at first, but things will ALWAYS become clear if you continue writing about them.

i happen to be writing this for you but it’s also for me and truthfully, even though i share with you, it’s really ALWAYS for me.

i don’t really know what it is about bypassing speaking the words but i am WAY more clear and articulate when i write versus when i speak. something about not having to use my brain to convert the thoughts into sounds, probably. or maybe sharing with my journal first is safer and more comfortable than sharing with other humans while i’m still trying to figure things out.

writing isn’t necessarily easy. often times i am crying while writing and have a hard time continuing as shit comes up but the time i spend writing (or crying) is never wasted.

i often feel like there is a deeper truth in my writing that cannot be expressed through speech. like the absolute most honest i am, is here, in these written words.

so, in case you are in need of some of your own honesty, or self-exploration, or you just need to figure something out that’s going on inside you, write. it will reveal the clearest view of what is within you.

from the truth in my heart, V

Just In Case You Didn’t Know…2020-12-17T15:33:53+00:00
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