About veazey

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So far veazey has created 39 blog entries.



I keep looking at my girl Talulah-Jane and thinking “I am so lucky”. I repeat it, I take it in, I am so so so grateful to have this child. I’m recognizing that I am infinitely grateful because this is something I wished for for so long that I had given up. I fully surrendered to the truth that my deepest desire to have children would not come to be. I fully explored this reality and what I would use that generative energy for if not to have children. I no longer spent time wishing, hoping, praying, or grasping at smoke. I looked to my future and I said to myself “I’m going to give greatly of myself to this Earth, that which I would have given to a child.”

What a great lesson to want something so badly for so long that the only way to heal the ache in your heart caused by it’s absence was to fill the emptiness with raw, real, rich surrender. And then it just so happened upon that surrender, the very thing you wanted so badly for so long is gifted to you. This is a lesson I’ve learned over and over in my life. However, I’m not always gifted what I wished for, I’m often gifted what I needed instead.

In my last relationship I loved so many things that came with that relationship I had to break up with those things as much as I had to break up with him. I made a list of everything I didn’t want to lose that came with the relationship. Then I separated it all into two lists. One list was things I could create for myself, and the other list was the irreplaceable things I would lose if it ended. When I moved to Kansas with him he bought this amazing property. Five acres of more wild than tame landscaping—I had to literally break up with the property we lived on. The house was cussing rad—I had to break up with the house. He was an outdoorsman—a gem not that easy to find—I had to break-up with my free ticket to being outside in magical places, collecting nature’s treasures, every single week. I lived with three incredible working hunting dogs—I had to break up with the dogs… There were, of course, irreplaceable things about him in the relationship on the list, but I can’t find the list in my writings to share what they were (smirking to myself, that’s messed up). It appears I loved my life more than I loved my partner in the end. I mistook the life for the person.

The time had come for me to finally end the relationship for good and fully surrender all of it. That surrender allowed me to let go and therefore create space in my life and in my heart for more to come. I could be alone and create the life—the man didn’t create the life. Once the space became available, I began to build back for myself that which I was capable of creating. I bought a house, not as rad as his but it’s mine, and I remodeled it so that’s rad. I took myself to magical places and even found some birds to hunt without a dog. Then, I got a bird dog to hunt with who turned out to be the perfect hunting and perfect personality to match mine.

Then, as the lesson always goes… in walks my outdoorsman, with an incredible house, a sacred and holy property, and the heart and personality to match mine. The man didn’t create THE life, he completed the dream. And without my choosing, THE life I had built collided with the life I had dreamed of and my real, raw, rich surrender burst into the flames of destiny.

When coming up with the dream in your head of the perfect life for your future self. See it, feel it, smell it in all it’s perfection—then surrender it. Surrender and work on what you can. Reach the point of gut wrenching surrender where you grieve the loss and when the grieving within yourself has been satiated, you invite the very thing you surrendered into your life (or perhaps the thing you really needed all along). At that point, the lesson becomes patience and a test of your discipline in maintaining the authenticity of that surrender.

I’m just so so so lucky, and so so so grateful because I could still be patiently testing the authenticity of that surrender. But rather, I’m basking in the wonder that has come into my life.

. . .

I hope this story makes you think of some time in your life where you surrendered the NEED you once had to have and how that surrender invited in what you TRULY NEED in the end (or shall we call it the beginning). I’ll leave you with this: In the depths of my surrender from that past relationship, I wrote this…

I trust.

I trust hard, in humans, in circumstances, in the universe, and everything that happens.

I trust in people. I trust you to tell me the truth 99% of the time. I trust that you are doing the best you can. I trust that you do not wish to remain small. I trust that love and kindness are the greatest gifts that we give and receive as humans.

I trust that if you lied to me it is because you believe you must in that moment. I trust that if I lie to you it is because I believe I must in that moment. I trust the truth will be revealed in perfect timing.

I trust in circumstances. I trust I am meant to be right here. I trust I am meant to be doing this with the people I am doing it with. I trust that the people whose paths cross mine are there for me to notice. I trust that the things that I witness are meant for me to see.

I trust in the universe. I trust in energy. I trust in signs. I trust in a greater consciousness. I trust in the soul of the world. I trust that when I communicate with the universe, with the great consciousness and the soul of the world, that I am heard.

I trust in everything that happens. I trust that all I am not meant to do will not work out. I trust that all I am meant to do will work out in my favor and in perfect timing.

I trust. ~ June 18, 2020


I’ve been censoring myself


Over the last decade I’ve learned so much about self-censorship. I’ve realized how important it is to be aware of all self-censorship because, in essence, it is an act of repression and therefore an inhibitor of growth. When we fully express ourselves, just as when all animals fully express themselves, we thrive and live to our fullest potential.

In my previous romantic relationship, I recognized my behaviors of self-censorship. When I saw it, I was heartbroken. I don’t know about everybody else but around age 30 I found the voice of my soul, my heart, my intuition, my internal guidance system, my God, me — I found my divine voice. When I found it, I listened to it often, I listened intently, I heeded the messages, and I acted in accordance to the guidance. It felt like a devotion to my soul — my connection to divine consciousness. I found purpose, unconditional love, and ultimate freedom.

But you know what humans do… I followed my internal guidance system—until I didn’t. Humans have these curtains that cloud our perception. Your perception is everything. And—your soul sees everything. Consider your soul to be like the keeper of the scale. Being human, you’re an animal, you are always going to tip the scale into the wild realm of existence—where the satiation of the beast rules. And the divine consciousness that we humans are blessed to have is always going to try to rebalance the scale pulling you more into your consciousness connected to divine consciousness.

In the wild realm of your existence, the priorities differ from the aims of divine consciousness. The wild is like chaos where survival, safety, and comfort rule. The divine consciousness is like order where solid foundations are built to grow upon with infinite stability to weather the storms of existence.

When we censor ourselves, we are siding with survival, safety, and comfort. In my previous romantic relationship I began to hide my true expressions. I felt things, but I didn’t share them. I am, can be, have been and still will be a big expressor. If you’ve been on this email list for years then you know. I write to express and I mean it when I say it comes from my soul, it comes from divine consciousness. I barely think to write these things, they just flow out of me.

The reason I want to share about self-censorship in my last relationship is because I recognize I’ve been doing it lately—although it’s different this time. I’ve been censoring my messages to you, and on my social media accounts. I have my reasons, we can justify my choice all day but the major problem is—I’m not expressing myself fully with you and as I had previously mentioned, to me this is an act of repression and therefore an inhibitor of my growth. That is just NOT like me. So, I’m done censoring myself, I’m coming clean…

I am with the man of my dreams, my mate in soul-work & child-rearing, my partner in healing the earth as well as humankind. Having connected with him at the perfectly ripe age of 39, we unexpectedly, but quite excitedly made a baby. I am 7 months pregnant and I feel like I am flying. Here’a a photo if you’d like to see 🙂

I’ve always wanted kids but it just never fit the bill at any time or in any relationship. About 2 years ago, my menstrual cycle started to change and did not look or feel heathy or fertile. I had my IUD removed with the intention to cease all external birth control methods. I vowed to learn about and heal whatever was going on in my body. I started down this path by choosing to see a doctor about my cycle health.

I went to the seemingly most natural doctor in town and was told I was premenopausal then put on thyroid medicine and hormone cream. This is 100% against my way but I was scared and desperate and seeking comfort for a problem I wasn’t ready to face on my own. By this time, fortunately, I had been working hard on my over-abundance of self-censorship and recognized by using the pharmaceuticals I was censoring my true feelings and therefore not behaving in alignment with my soul’s divine consciousness.

So, I stopped the pharmaceuticals and I spent time meditating and listening to the things I had been missing that came from my heart & intuition. In my meditations, in my intentions, in my full and uninhabited self-expression I healed myself. Coincidentally, not only did I learn my fertility healing journey needed my attention, but I learned even more about my censorship with my previous romantic partner and was finally empowered to end it.

Continuing to listen to my heart and intuition, I came to a place where it was ok to grieve not ever having children, and embrace all the ways I can remain fertile and devote myself to another path. I also came to a place where I was ready and felt resilient enough to be without a romantic relationship for a long time. The only choice according to my heart & soul was to wait for THE man who’s life, intention, and soul aligned with mine. THE man who could hold space for my fullest, most authentic expression and encourage me to always express freely.

It is my understanding that we self-censor in order to fit in, to be loved, and to keep conflict to a minimum. When we spend time with people or on things that don’t align with the aim of our soul’s divine consciousness, we come to a crossroads. One path chooses misalignment which, in essence, is choosing chaos but also choosing survival, safety, and comfort. The other path chooses alignment, to heed the message of the soul and to act despite the challenges that arise—to face life head on with the aim towards growth.

Expressing yourself honestly, vulnerably, and boldly IS the path towards growth. If you’re afraid you won’t fit in, if you’re afraid you won’t be loved, or if you’re afraid of the conflict that will inevitably arise you will censor yourself and ultimately repress your potential as well as inhibit your growth. In my experience being human, the lessons come up on repeat enough times that if I don’t choose growth, the only alternative is to keep running my head into a wall. That hurts, makes me less cute, and is ultimately exhausting. If you stay strong on the path, growth isn’t exhausting, it’s exhilarating.

Onward & upward — keep growing fellow humans.

Words from my soul to yours, Veazey

I’ve been censoring myself2022-12-27T23:26:35+00:00

Change Is Inevitable. Ride The Cussin Waves.


Patterns make order out of the chaos that arises in life. Sacred geometry reveals the patterns underneath the surface of all on Earth. Consciousness reveals the patterns within ourselves, within our habits, within our daily lives. We exist as an accumulation of patterns within and without.

An attention-rich life will allow you to see and to accept the patterns that exist in the world around you. An intention-rich life will allow you to gain control over the patterns that arise within your thoughts, words, and actions.

A pattern is a pattern because it repeats—the cycle comes back around over and over. Like a wave has crests and troughs. Like seasons continuously flow from one to the next. Like the life cycle of living beings.

Every little detail within your thoughts, words, and actions flows in this way. The more awareness you have of yourself, the more intention you put behind your thoughts, words, and actions, the more you come to understand and work the patterns that make you tick. If you can see, you can become aware. If you become aware, you can become intentional. If you become intentional, you can create. If you create, you can bear witness to the patterns and all that is possible.

Do you create your life or does your life create you? Ponder this. Make time to ponder this…

Are the circumstances within your life hindering you, depleting you, keeping you from happiness or holding you back? Or— Are the circumstances within your life revealing your inner truth to you daily? Do they present limitless enrichment and beauty for you to see? Do the circumstances of your life encourage you to grow?

Do you experience your emotions in a way that gracefully reveals to you the impact of what you’re going though? Do your emotions butt up against the people in your life or cause discomfort as well as conflicts within your relationships?

Does your connection to the spirit within you lead your way towards living with purpose, living with intention, living a creation of your own making for more than yourself, your family or your friends? Or — Does your disconnection from spirit create a bland existence for your life, void of purpose outside of providing for and being supportive of your family and friends. Does the spirit within guide you into the light, or do you live in the dark?

Seasons change year to year, waves change with the wind, your patterns change whether you mean to make them or not. Change is inevitable. Are you riding the waves of change to make shift happen or just letting it push you along as if it is all out of your control?

Change Is Inevitable. Ride The Cussin Waves.2022-12-27T23:24:16+00:00

Authenticity’s arch nemesis is “the lie”.


*If you’d rather listen, I posted a video on Instagram

What’s worse? Causing someone pain or lying to keep from causing someone pain? Lying to not only them, but lying to yourself — denying and betraying the truth in your heart.

Do you lie because you don’t want the truth known?
— embarrassed by your own feelings, afraid you won’t be understood.
Do you lie to avoid an uncomfortable conversation?
— because you don’t want to incite pain, emotions, or tears.
Do you lie to make it more comfortable for everyone?
— including for yourself, best to avoid confrontation, conflict and discomfort.
Do you lie because telling the truth will be a whole thing?
— questions will arise and it will take too much time or energy to answer.

To be authentic is to live a life that honors the truth in your heart, as well as the truth within others — unapologetic authenticity does not avoid truth, neither yours nor theirs. To be authentic is to explore anything you find yourself lying about — like your own inner mama bear moves in to the house and doesn’t let you get away with anything. To be authentic is to take time to become more aware of yourself in order to become yourself from the inside out — rather than develop a sense of self based on the world around you.

It’s understandable why you wouldn’t want to cause another person pain. We hurt ourselves when we hurt others. But pain cannot be separated from growth. Growing pains your soul when a shift is needed to bring alignment between your head and heart — your heart whispers, sings and cries out to make you aware of the truth in your heart. Your heart aches for you to see the depths of yourself and to live according to your soul’s desires.

Growing pains your body in many ways. Thoughts and emotions penetrate your peaceful equilibrium unsettling your body. Unintentional neglect of different elements of your life that affect your body can cause a slow-growing illness or create a weakened state that enables an injury to occur. Pain from injury, pain from illness, and pain from emotions are capable of all carrying the same amount of discomfort. Pain is your body’s way of communicating to you about something you aren’t fully aware of yet.

Growing pains your mind. Acknowledge the way a thought can make you sick. As long as there is conflict, stress and tension between what your heart is asking of you and the way you are actually living your life moment by moment, you will experience pain and discomfort in your mind.

Growth requires you to go through your pain and to learn from it. What do you do when you feel pain? If you’re ever going to heal your own pain, you must become aware of it. Can you make it a habit to face it despite your fear of it? Watch yourself the way you’d get into a movie. See when you try and fail to separate yourself from pain — to separate yourself from the pain that is inside you, the pain that IS you, inseparable from you. Facing pain owns it, acts upon it, and ultimately overcomes it by allowing it to pass each and every time is arises slowly becoming less and less painful as each flow passes.

Growth, and therefore healing, are easily stunted by simply choosing to oppose or to deny pain when it arises. By turning away from pain, you succumb to it. By ignoring it, numbing it, or just hoping it will go away it has already overcome you.

Realize though, that both growth and pain arise when you take the path that leads towards deeper and deeper alignment between your head and your heart.

Every situation in your life provides infinite moments to practice thinking, speaking, and acting in alignment with your heart. No one is all the way there,— otherwise, you couldn’t be called a human as we are flawed by design.

Every single human — YOU, in each and every moment of your life, are somewhere in the practice of looking for ways to align with your heart to express your authenticity and to empower your own sovereignty.

Every single human — YOU are also cowering away from the fear of pain that comes from your own betrayal, from the pain of growth, and the pain that must be endured to heal.

This is why we must go looking for all of the ways we lie. Lying is a pain deterrent. Lying is an authenticity destroyer. Lying is driven by fear. Lying is not living, it is dying, cowardly.

You are not a victim of circumstance unless you choose that point of view to contain yourself in. You are not in control of your life unless you choose that point of view opening yourself up to infinite potential.

You don’t have to be what others have asked you to. You don’t have to think how others insist you think. You don’t have to do what others expect you to do. You don’t have to ANYTHING — you GET to do it all. You GET to act like a fool assuming the whole world is against you because you’re choosing to see it from a narrow point of view. You GET to go wild and crazy in life and test your limitations despite the pain that arises with each fall.

You get to have the experience you choose to have. You get to be what you ask of yourself. You get to think how you insist yourself to think. You get to do what your heart expects from you.

You get to everything in this life from within yourself. Your mind, body, and heart are the vessel sailing you forward from moment to moment. You sail through heaven and hell, you sail through fear and pain, you get to sail into possibility and pleasure upon your choosing.

The journey is the destination — let your heart be your guide through the ecstasy that this life provides.

Authenticity’s arch nemesis is “the lie”.2022-04-24T14:35:08+00:00

the ON switch for your internal guidance system


if you’d rather listen to me read this, click here

your conscious awareness is the on switch for your internal guidance system. the more consciously aware of yourself you are, the more truth will be revealed within yourself. the more you intentionally align your thoughts, words, and actions into harmony with your personal truth, the more authentic you will find yourself to be.

depending on how consciously aware you are, you can make realizations about yourself seemingly every day. each day you live with those realizations from yesterday, you live with what you’ve learned of yourself in the past, and you live with the potential for you to learn more about yourself today.

think of all the ways you butt up against yourself each and every day. look at that habit you’ve formed out of convenience and look at how you know it doesn’t align with the conscious awareness you’ve put into the intention of who you aim to be, but change is overwhelming and hard. it’s easier to try not to think about the things that are not in alignment. it’s easier to ignore or to talk about how you need to change than to actually put effort into something different.

just knowing your behavior isn’t in alignment with whom you aim to be IS conscious awareness. knowing is a seed planted. it may take years for words and actions to follow suit, but knowing IS something. pay attention to what you know but choose not to speak of or act on. BUT not as a way of overwhelming yourself with all of the shortcomings within yourself that you wish to change. pay attention just to become familiar with the things that exist. notice what irks you the most about yourself. become more consciously aware of what rises to the surface needing your attention sooner than later.

many people die here never moving further along the path of growth and awakening. knowing is the foundation for knowledge, but knowing is not enough to power awakening. to live long and all-but-prosper in your knowing, prolong this leg of the journey by ignoring the thing you know. stuff down that information like it doesn’t exist. numb your feelings of betraying yourself and you may solve your problem of knowing too much—until you sober back up and feel your truth again. the bottom line is, you can’t escape knowing. you can learn to live with it, but you cannot un-know.

moving along the inevitable path after coming to know the thing… at some point, you will speak of the thing. you will speak of the observations you’ve made, of what you have become consciously aware of in yourself, and then you will speak of your intentions moving forward, but you’re actions have yet to fall inline. this, speaking about intentions is absolutely necessary to enable growth and awakening as it establishes your aim OUT LOUD and enables someone to hold you accountable for yourself.

this stage of speaking your intentions without acting on them can drive you to act now, OR can last for a very very long time. some people even get stuck here. the idea-man perpetually lives here. look closely at the aims you speak of and for how long you’ve had that particular aim. no amount of time to aim without action is good or bad, right or wrong, just look at what is, and become more consciously aware. perhaps you’ll come to hear yourself sounding like a broken record and that simple annoyance of your own behavior can fuel your engines to get a move on.

cognitive thinking and clear communication are the foundation of your awakening but when your behavior does not match the vibration of what’s within, there will be conflict, a major obstacle keeping you from becoming whom you intend to be. stay here too long and you will make yourself sick.

the place of ultimate embodiment, the hands-down, most effective way of becoming you—authenticity at it’s purest—arises when what you think, what you say, and how you behave align. from your first realization to manifesting a revised self into reality, when you are fully you—you will find you are fully submerged in the process of becoming—the journey of awakening.

to be a student in search of who you are right now is the souls journey, the journey of the consciousness—it is the point of being human. reveal from the depths of yourself more than light, love, and joy. see the unseen in your own darkness, explore the depths of your own experiences with suffering and become more authentically you by feeling the full spectrum of your experience from love to fear, joy to pain, and all that lies between.

awaken, human, to the truth of who you are and how you came to be here. live your story, witness your existence, and reveal all that is beautiful

the ON switch for your internal guidance system2022-04-24T15:01:47+00:00

beauty & chaos


if you’d rather listen to me read this, click here.

nature. it is the most beautiful chaos you’ve ever witnessed. she’s why we come here, get in these meat suits and do this jig. somehow, the enjoyment of her beauty outweighs the pain of her chaos.

[well… that’s a matter of perspective, i’m certain many cannot see it that way.]

humans are nature. human nature is wild, unpredictable — chaos. you are capable of playing a wildcard at any moment on any day. regardless of how predictably robotic you have become, you are still a wild human and capable of giving a surprise bite.

human nature is also aligning your vibe to go with the tribe — there is beauty in the order, there is safety in the predictability, and support in the deeply rooted human connection.

however, the more humans in a tribe, the more rules put in place to follow, the more expectations, obligations, and social norms — the bigger the bull and the smaller the china shop.

in addition to governing rules, there are unwritten social rules between two people. rules are established as the relationship grows, as unwritten expectations are not met, as we learn and unlearn about each other and ourselves. every relationship between two people has a list of these unwritten rules. and one list does not apply well to everyone.

inevitably, with all these rules, expectations, and obligations chaos will ensue. humans cannot meet all rules, expectations, and obligations. one wild human, no matter how closely connected to another wild human, will act in a wildly human way and it will surprise and disappoint the other.

an unconscious human, is pissed to have to eat disappointment soup while a conscious human, smells, tastes, and swallows the soup taking in what went into it and how it was made for future reference.

in really big tribes, all the governing rules and social norms can really help life run smoothly within the masses. but . . . chaos remember . . . governing rules and social norms can also push hard up against our wild human nature and mass chaos is the result. not all animals do well in cages. we all have the capacity for our wild nature to rise up and push back.

the human gift is our consciousness. we can use our consciousness to make order of things, even to make order of chaos. but . . . consciousness is like a cup you fill up over time. the more you become aware of, the more the cup fills. but this isn’t like the heart cup that fills up when you are experiencing something soulful. this is not the kind of cup that can overflow. this cup is mostly empty, for most people, most of the time.

a conscious human sees this life as a beautifully-wild adventure guided by free-will. an unconscious human is the victim, taken against his or her will, dropped into the hunger games arena, and is now being forced to play survival of the luckiest, cleverest, and fittest.

consciousness collects knowledge, collects dots, then by connecting dots we make order. knowledge is order. connection is order.

what is the root of order for wild humans? words. words create order. words bring order to the conscious knowledge in your mind. and when those words are received by someone, dots are connected, and more thoughts and words spring up growing from the conscious connection and sharing of words.

one difficulty for wild humans is, having feelings and emotions makes creating order — or finding words — very difficult. sometimes the words fly out like bats exiting a cave, but more often than not, for most people, words get bound up within, buried beneath every thought and emotion that have yet to be processed into conscious order — your own personal landfill of thoughts, feelings and emotions left for your unconscious mind to stew in.

i find that making time to write keeps me processing things. i will journal, write letters i never intend to share, and write letters i fully intend on sharing. i write down quotes i like and write what comes to mind about the quote at the time. the more i write the more i open and reopen doors enabling me to fill up my consciousness cup. if you write it, you can come back and read it. you can stand upon it and either grow from there or write about it again to lay a thicker foundation down over a rocky start.

you are — your mind, your being, your body — you are landscapes, infinite landscapes. your consciousness cannot see all of you, you are too vast, too overwhelming, too beautiful for a single consciousness to take in 🙂 — but if you share your story, share your wildness, and those words are received, a deeper connection is made. the more connections, the more you fill your consciousness cup with what you have learned and stand upon.

however, not all words enable connection. not all words will resonate between beings. free-will to create and share words opens the door to chaos, but consciousness gives rise to acceptance and a conscious mind is capable of taking nature into consideration to accept disagreements or differing perspectives.

nature is the beauty and the chaos that lives in vast landscapes. consciousness makes order of this experience so that you live on to bear witness to more beauty, and more chaos. and the more you fill your consciousness cup, the easier it will be to understand nature — that somehow, the enjoyment of her beauty outweighs the pain of her chaos.

beauty & chaos2022-04-24T14:56:54+00:00

are your eyes open or closed to the possibility


if you’d rather listen to me read this, click here

is evil real? have you ever pondered that? i have pondered it many times over. in the beginning i was somewhat younger and had subscribed to the rosy-glasses society chanting positive thoughts and positive actions telling myself and others that that would make positive results.

knowing i used to be that way makes me cringe but recognizing i was that way turned my world upside down. that was a rough year. i realized anger is real but still, i had no better understanding of evil. i think it’s important to note that ignorance keeps you feeling safe. ignorance is a comfort zone.

if i closed my eyes to the possibility of evil then it didn’t exist. but then I realized one day: all of the scary movies with a malicious evil doer were written by SOMEONE. if the thought of evil is there, doesn’t that verify the existence of evil?

i still didn’t buy into evil really existing, i just realized that humans are capable of thinking evil thoughts and, in some not-quite-as-bad-as-the-real-thing way, were acting out those thoughts to tell a compelling story.

for no reason i can explain, i had these preconceived notions that evil was reserved for demons not for man. i was so attached to the notion of this quote that “everyone is doing the best they can in their own state of consciousness” but now i see that evil inserts itself between us and our consciousness.

remember old school cartoons where an angel and a devil would appear on a character’s shoulders with two very different points of view? the angel would always guide with truth towards love, acceptance, compassion, and understanding. and the devil… the devil would always guide from anger, hate and fear and aim to uproot comfort & happiness.

the angel is consciousness. the angel sees all, feels all, and blesses all despite any perceivable flaws. the devil, animalistic in nature, sees he has the power to get what he wants, feels a need to gain power to have more, and aims to conquer.

our consciousness seems to come from some extraordinary source, but the body comes from nature—the beautifully tragic thing we call life. the brain belongs to the body, the mind belongs to your soul consciousness.

nature is chaos. nature is what holds the possibility of evil. nature allows the potential for evil. evil inserts itself between the mind (the consciousness) and the body (the brain).

a mindful person understands both body and mind. the conscious choice to aim for continuous learning inadvertently gains mindfulness. but what is the other side of the coin? the other side of a mindful person is… a mindless person. all body, no mind. fully open to evil potential because there is no mind to see, to feel, to bless, to clear out any obstacles in the way of seeing truth.

the angel on your shoulder is your own mindfulness using truth to clear the path of evil that tries to continuously insert itself between your brain and your consciousness. truth is what is. what can you do with what is? accept, love, appreciate, understand, absorb, trust, see, observe, become…

the devil on your shoulder pulls your strings, as if you were a marionette, pushing buttons on the animal that you are. the animal wants, craves, is wild and primal, angry, capable of maliciousness, fearful, irritable, doubtful, and uneasy. the animal that you are is much much more than all of that, but the truth is, none of those things are bad or wrong. they are what is. they are truth.

consider these words by Maya Angelou: “I don’t know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes — it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘Well, if I’d known better I’d had done better’, that’s all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, ‘I’m sorry’, and then you say to yourself ‘I’m sorry’. If we all hold onto the mistake, we can’t see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can’t see what we’re capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one’s own self.”

what you are capable of being = what is

you may be capable of making terrible terrible mistakes, that’s truth — that’s what is. but you are capable of miraculous magic as well and that’s the truth — that’s what is.

there are these two words to describe the relationship between evil and truth fairly well. as “duality” evil and truth are always at war and inevitably one side is always winning. but i prefer to look at evil and truth and call it “polarity” because to recognize truth, evil exists, and to recognize evil, truth exists.

to clear the evil from your own thoughts words and actions, witness truth as well as evil within yourself and you will come to realize they are two sides to the same coin. evil will keep you in a cage. truth will set you free.

are your eyes open or closed to the possibility2022-04-24T15:03:46+00:00

Ruta Skadi


some of the most powerful words i’ve ever read came from a book titled ‘The Subtle Knife’. this is actually the second book in the ‘His Dark Materials’ trilogy i mentioned in my last email about the pendulum. this is the line . . .

“Ruta Skadi lived so brilliantly in her nerves that she set up a responding thrill in the nerves of anyone close by.”

upon reading these words, i tattooed them onto my heart. let me just start with the first part she “lived so brilliantly in her nerves”. nerves are how we sense, they are the system from which we exhibit sensitivity. and important to note, to be a functioning nerve, you have to be connected to the brain—nerves are a necessary part of the whole.

imagine what it’s like, for you personally, to be human. think about all the stuff your brain does, is doing right now, and all that it’s capable of. to be human, you have to be able to juggle everything at once. and with our hyper-convenient, civilized society, there can be A LOT to juggle. how well your nervous system is functioning has probably never even crossed your mind, and if it has, it’s more than likely not something you think about often.

try to wrap your mind around what the nervous system sorta looks like. your spinal cord stems from your brain down your body with branches from the spine reaching out through your limbs. many nerves end at your skin. your nerves also surround your internal organs, sense your muscles and your bones. think about how you can feel just about any touch to your skin, you can feel pain in your belly, a sprained ankle, how you can feel everything across your entire body. your nerves pick up on everything that you experience and send a notification to your brain. your nerves are the internal communication system of your entire body.

Copyright has expired on this artwork. From my own archives, digitally restored.

and ALL of your nerves stem back to your brain—which contains, your mind, the conscious part of your brain. your mind holds so much power if your mind thinks you are sick, your body can become sick via the command of the mind.

therefore, the sensitivity of your nerves is directly connected to your mind as well. therefore, if you don’t think about your nervous system, or challenge it, or activate it, your mind will not be as strongly connected to your nerves as it would be had you a daily practice of challenging, activating, and charging up your nervous system.

pranayama (breathing exercises) and kundalini (which includes many breathing exercises) have given me unforgettable experiences revealing to me the power of the nervous system. going through kundalini teacher training left me uncomfortably raw and sensitive beyond measure.

something i’ve experienced, that cannot be seen or proven, is receptivity beyond my skin. it is absolutely clear to me that this “further reach beyond my skin” is absolutely happening and it seems to communicate through my nervous system. if you’ve ever read or watched spiderman, think “spidey sense”.

coming back to the quote, “Ruta Skadi lived so brilliantly in her nerves that she set up a responding thrill in the nerves of anyone close by.” not only does she live fully into her own nerves, she lives and exists beyond herself, beyond her fingertips. she not only gives to, but receives from, the space around her. she has the power to reach well beyond herself as if her nerves are antenna to extend her own senses—to extend her reach into the air and into the ether.

when i read this for the first time years ago, i knew nothing about my own body, nothing of my nerves, the words just struck me and have never left me since. now however, just now as i was reminded of these words the other day, i see ruta skadi (she’s a good witch by the way) is, and always was, my aim.

— to fully live into my mind & body. feeling, healing, & continuously connecting.
— to live brilliantly within my mind and body via curiosity, compassion & love.
— to insight thrill within myself and therefore within others to live and breathe and bear witness to the magic of being alive.

this fire, this flame, has existed in me for as long as i can remember. makes me wonder if you wonder, or if you know, what burns inside of you? does this? does something else? what’s your heart-fire fueled by? you don’t have to answer unless you want to, I just wanted to make sure you took some time to inquire within you.

Ruta Skadi2022-04-24T14:49:37+00:00

wield your power or yield it


“There’s something just as inevitable as death. And thats life. Think of the power of the universe… turning the Earth, growing trees. That’s the same power within you… if you’ll only have the courage and the will to use it.” Charlie Chaplin

money gives the illusion of power, but choice reflects the true essence of power. the greatest power of all is willpower. what’s interesting to me is that it’s not the kind of thing where you either have it or you don’t. your soul, your consciousness IS willpower. your spirit IS willpower because you are a product of creation and further still, a creator as well. the soul spark inside you is the will of all creation and behind it all is the greatest power in existence.

you are not a mere weakling. you are not a mere anything! if you choose to open yourself up, you will see that you are undeniably a great and powerful being. just “being” alone, with intention, uses and exudes extraordinary amounts of energy. wielding energy takes power and great will, letting your energy be wielded by outside forces weakens you by means of you not wielding it yourself.

— are you here reading this on purpose, or did you just happen upon it?

— did you stay up late dickin around last night, or did you get the sleep you need to feel good today?

— did you plan ahead to know what you would eat so that you aren’t forced to pick something up in a pinch?

— did you land here because you were brought here or by your own free will?

consider weakness to be a willful choice not to use power. if you’re tired and weak and can’t hold yourself up, is it because you used great amounts of energy by your own willpower and need to recover or because you’re taking it easy, exhibiting lack of willpower, so that hard things become harder as you become weaker?

have you allowed a situation to bind you so that it feels your freewill is restricted? remember it was your willpower that made the choice to allow it to begin with.

were you dealt a shitty hand in life so that it feels, despite your will, that you inevitably fall victim to your circumstances no matter what? everything you think, say and do is an opportunity to use your power to make shift happen—shift your perspective and you inevitably shift your circumstances. it’s not a quick and easy thing, it’s a life-long affair dancing with fear and love. the stronger your will, the more powerful your love.

an interesting dichotomy that exists for humans is that you’re meant to simultaneously figure shit out alone while you realize that you are not separate from anyone or anything else. you are tragically in charge of this complex human life but you are beautifully equipped with grace, intelligence and virtue provided to you by your soul. you just have to use your willpower to be what you are, choose what you do and live with what turns out.

but the truth is “just using your willpower” has become very very difficult. say we are each like lotus flowers born buried beneath the mud underneath tons of water. the world we live in, the society and what not, is like the mud. it’s thick, and dark, and very very difficult to push through. and not only mud but there are roots and other vegetation on top of you and there is no clear path to freedom. there are schedules, and norms, and money, and grocery stores, and socially acceptable rules, and trends, and money, and stories, and shame, and conveniences, and expectations, and money and a bunch of shit in your way to finding a path to freedom, to the light, to heaven.

i’ve made a choice to believe that heaven and hell are on earth, not separate from it. they are earthly words and as far as i’ve witnessed, they both exist right here on the ground. BUT, what’s crazy is, they exist in our own minds as well. i believe when you die, and become free from your mind, you are also free from this human heaven and hell.

back to the lotus. a lotus doesn’t have a human mind. it has nature’s instinct to push upward, to grow, and pull from all that is within and around it to thrive, and to then die naturally without a fight. having a human mind IS the challenge that gets in our way as we reach to the surface. your human mind looks at the obstacle in front of itself and then chooses how to proceed. the lotus proceeds without any sight at all. the mind can think and ponder a way to navigate the mud and the roots and all the things in the way and come up with a plan of how to get through this mess. but the mind feels and learns pain along the way, realizing that pushing forward is painful. and with the great willpower behind all that the mind is capable of, it’s easier to choose to be comfortable. if you don’t push forward, you don’t have to get stuck, you don’t have to get tangled in the world’s web, you can just lay low, living in the mud you were born into, never exhausting yourself with the fight for freedom, for light, for heaven.

but … within you is that soul spark that originates from the conscious will of creation. it is the will of all living beings to grow and thrive and reach the highest possibility of existence. that spark is what pushes the lotus flower through the journey up to the surface to bloom. no matter how comfortable you become with complacency and living in the mud as well as being trapped in the webs of the world, the conscious will of creation is within you burning. if you so choose, your mind, body and being are available to become conduits for the conscious will of creation to flow through you. also though, if you so choose, you can allow your mind to get stuck, tangled in the webs and mud unable to feel deeply, unable to see clearly, unable to bloom. you can choose to close yourself off from the fire of your will, you can choose to let the world smother your flame and all but put it out.

even if you’ve allowed your willpower to be consumed by the world around you, know that there is never a time when you cannot begin again to open yourself up to that power within you. the simplest way to begin again is to use your god-given power to think, speak and act with intention.

choose with intention

… the words you read

… how much time you need to sleep

… what you put in your mouth

… your aim, right this second

have the courage and the will to live on purpose. respond to the tragedy of life with grace. remember that ultimately, you and earth and all of the earthly beings are not separate. your shit is their shit. “inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit” is a good saying cuz our minds are full of bullshit but “inhale the bullshit, exhale the good shit” makes better sense here. take in all of it, the good and the bad. process it, transmute the bad within yourself to something honest and true viewed through a lens of love. then, do everything in your power to push all that good in you out into the world.

use the power you’ve been given to go on a fantastic ride and listen to soulful music along the way to keep that fire raging inside you.

wield your power or yield it2021-09-30T19:40:12+00:00

The Pendulum


i know this is a little long, but if you hang in there, it gets really interesting…

we are here, humans alive on earth, by way of divine intention. we are made conscious, and through that consciousness, we all have our very own connection to divine intention. many people call this connection “accessing your higher self” which is beautifully articulated because you are not separate from the conscious collective however the only way for you to access the source consciousness is through the divine intention within you.

for years, I’ve made a conscious intention to connect deeper to the underpinnings of earth, of humans, of creation and of god. i’ve learned so much, i’ve even found a purpose in my life by helping people connect more deeply with themselves, but i can’t stop digging deeper to the roots of how we humans got into this mess, or what kind of karma our species have themselves tangled up in.

i’ve tried meditation, i’ve tried drugs, i’ve tried hypnosis, and even tried a “psychic development course”. all of these roads sent me in the right direction but also sent me wandering without true intention.

recently, i’ve discovered the path that i’ve been seeking for the last 7 years. i’m now on the yellow brick road, making my way to the center, to the beginning, to the curtain veiling all truth.

coincidentally, it was about 7 years ago that i read a trilogy of books called “His Dark Materials” by Philip Pullman. you may have heard of the first book, “The Golden Compass”, because they made it into a movie.

the main character in the first book is a young girl who is given a “golden compass” known as an alethiometer. she is given the device in a hasty exchange without explanation except that it tells the truth, and to keep it a secret. in the the book, the scholars have studied and written many in-depth books about the alethiometer. reading the device is a skill that few in existence have.

the young girl however, has taught herself to read it without any teaching outside of her guts and intuition. she becomes so well versed in the tools language it becomes an extension of her. she becomes both the force and the conduit from which the energy of truth flows through her as well as the device.

her explanation about how she reads the alethiometer is intriguing and peculiar. the way she describes it is a little bit like meditation. she says she has to put her mind in a specific state, one that isn’t in thought, nor creatively focused, but somewhere in this blurry unidentified place within it all. [those are my words, from what i remember of the story.]

what i really want to share with you is . . . i’ve found my very own alethiometer, in the form of a pendulum. imagine a small 1 inch cube of wood shaped into a bulbous teardrop with a well-defined point. the point of the teardrop points down and a chain is secured to the opposite end vertically leading up to another much smaller wood ball to hold the chain from.

i dangle this pendulum a half inch or less over a piece of paper with a circle of letters and numbers printed on it. there’s a tiny dot at the center i keep the pendulum hovering over at all times, and there are lines, like sun rays, radiating from a small open circle around that center point to the corresponding letters or numbers printed larger away from the center point. as the pendulum swings, it spells things out.

i know i keep saying “about 7 years ago” but that really is the time when i bought my first pendulum. i never could get it to work very well even asking simple yes and no questions. but now, i’ve finally come to the right state of mind and spirit to be able to use the pendulum with relative ease to receive messages.

nearly every day since i received it in july i have used it, played with it, practiced my craft with it. i love testing it’s limits and looking for it’s boundaries. it’s a device i use to speak with my higher self. i’m always speaking through and receiving messages from my higher self. i’ve read that’s why it’s a trusted tool by psychics because the information doesn’t come from somewhere outside of yourself.

but, what’s crazy is, my higher self has access to things, and people, and past that i am consciously unable to access. i begin by asking a yes or no question to engage like, “may i ask my higher self…” usually the answer is yes, but sometimes it’s a no. when i asked if i can connect with god it said no. same answer for angels. then when i asked if my higher self can ask a certain other person’s higher self for a message sometimes it says yes, sometimes it says no. the people it says no to are closed to this hippy-dippy shit, and therefore closed off from connection.

i’ve learned i can ask pets who have passed away for messages. i’ve received messages from my own dogs that have died and messages from other people’s animals for them. i can also ask passed people for messages. i’ve been audacious enough to ask for messages from loved ones who have died, for me to give their surviving significant others. i can access messages about my own past lives but no one else’s.

the first time i asked for a message from my higher self i received “You fill a big hole in this world. Past, present, and future.”

i asked “what do I use this pendulum for?”
the pendulum responded “Your world. Help others see love truly. Very important.”

i asked for a message from my friend’s 2-year old to help her soothe her back to sleep in the middle of the night when she wakes up. i need to ask her if that worked at all.

i’ve learned it’s best not to ask about the future. the future is unclear and always changing. inquiring about the present, about things right now seems to be very beneficial for many people, myself included.

one of the coolest messages i’ve received was…

I am asking my higher self to connect with every other soul in the US willing to be open to me for them all to give me a message for all of us.

Trust in humanity.
Understand that more are influenced by light than dark.
Far more awake than you ever could imagine.
Politics in line with evil energy.
Higher frequencies will conquer the earth soon.
Have faith.
Trust faith is enough.
Trust you are not going as they say.
Go your own way.
Trust your heart to guide you.
Trust in humanity.

my most recent ask from the world collective was…

I’d like to tap into every single soul in the world now who is open to me. Please give me a collective message to share.

Now is the time to fight for a human’s free will.

Advice on how to do that?

Exercise no over and over.

i’ll leave you with this that I asked today…

Please give me a message from my highest self to share.

Love is unifying righteous humans. Fear is questioning human nature.

What is human nature?

What we do from a place of instinct

What is evil?

High moral superiority

What is human?

Play. Playfulness with consciousness. Playtime for spirit.

call me crazy but… i believe it speaks truth.

love, V.

The Pendulum2022-04-24T14:46:09+00:00
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