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So far veazey has created 26 blog entries.

The Life Of A Word


all the words you know, have life because you breathe life into them. if a word causes you to feel something, it’s because you give the word a meaning to feel. i want to tell you three stories about three words i’ve had this experience with: shame, hickory and mallard.

I’m using these 3 stories as a way to share with you what i’ve been learning and experiencing over the last year and to make my way back to sharing with you, to connecting with you and to honor the deepest desires of my own heart—to live my human life boldly, out loud, and unapologetically as a perfectly, imperfect human doing the best she can while she’s still here.

all 3 stories end with the same note. this is the first of the three stories…

last year, i started feeling really frustrated, unsettled and uneasy in my relationship with my partner. we both knew it was happening, but neither of us knew how to make a move, make a shift, make a change, we just knew individually that we weren’t happy and thus we sat in the pile of our own mess we didn’t know how to clean up or move out of.

after months of this, i (subconsciously) came up with a way to move things that ended up sweeping our feet out from under us. i went against everything i’ve ever practiced, believed in, or stood for and for an entire month, I engaged in infidelity.

at the time, i truly and selfishly believed that what i was doing was exactly what i needed, exactly what i wanted, and it was pretty much inevitable with the way my relationship was going — but my feeling that way, was me convincing myself that I was owning my behavior and therefore OK with it. the more i convinced myself i deserved this time, the more at ease with it i became.

but underneath it all, i was never ok with it, i just wanted to be ok with it so that’s how i behaved.

when the month was over the storm began. NOTHING was ok. my partner wasn’t ok, i wasn’t ok, and our world was turned upside-down by my actions. i was upside-down with my head neck deep in shame, in disgust and in disbelief of what i had done and how much i had destroyed.

i had shattered his trust in me. i’ve never done anything like that with someone. I’m an honest person. i don’t hurt people. i don’t give people a reason not to trust me. i preach the importance of listening to and living through the truth of our own hearts — but my month of behavior turned against all of this.

i turned against myself — and this is how i gave shame a strong and powerful presence in my life for the months to come. this is how i gave life to the word “shame”.

in case you are unfamiliar with an experience like this (and god i hope you are), when partners decide to stay together and attempt to “work things out” after something like this, there is A LOT of talking.

talking means owning things and at this point, owning even the smallest true bit of my behavior brought on the biggest shame storm cloud. so, every single conversation (and there were waaaay too many to count), every single time i had the courage to own even a spec of this story, i would sit in the downpour of my own shame for days or sometimes weeks at a time.

i’ve never been that sad in all of my life. i was shocked to realize that the person that could make me feel the worst, was me, and me alone.

my extreme sadness and shame was a direct result of the pain i caused my partner. it felt impossible to bare the truth that I — as the honest & authentic person i thought myself to be — made conscious decisions that caused my partner to be unable to trust me. conscious decisions that caused the loss of my own integrity.

living in my own pit of despair, this was a regular conversation i had with myself

“why are you here? what’s keeping you here?”

“ugh, i’m just so, so, so fucking sad, i can’t shake it.”


“shame. i am absolutely disgusted with myself. i’ve never felt this ashamed in all my life”

“alright. shame then. if this is me now, what can i learn from all of this shame and sadness?”


– breaking the trust someone has in me is how my shame is conceived.

– the dishonesty that comes from lying to myself or someone else is shame’s life force.

– shame can arrive the size of a pea, and grow to the size of a boulder.

– shame is a reaction to myself when my behavior doesn’t align with my heart and soul.

– shame cannot coexist with acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.

– if i hide from shame, it attaches to my back and the weight drags me down but if i own my shame, if i pick it up and choose to carry it, it becomes lighter as i become stronger.

– acting out of alignment with my heart & soul causes me physical illness

After about 6 months of apprenticing shame, I had learned all that shame was able to teach me—this time. And after those six months, i had a better understanding of the life of shame. in that time, i actually befriended shame like an imaginary friend. i gave shame life by experiencing it, by feeling it and living it.

But in the end, i also took life away from shame. i became so familiar with how shame lives, all it’s habits, all it’s fears and i began to put myself face-to-face with all the little nuances that gave shame life. Through this process, I began to evict shame from my temple.

Today, shame is just a memory. It’s no longer a living, breathing entity in my life. I breathed life into shame, and then i sucked the life right out of it.

Shame, just like ‘love’, and just like ‘god’, is a word only you can breathe life into. And when you don’t need shame in your life any longer, it’s a word you can suck the life right back out of.


i’ve come to realize my life is not for getting better and better and better until i am the best i can be. it’s about learning, it’s about growing, and it’s about perpetuating the process. as i rise to higher levels of consciousness, of awareness, of understanding, no matter how seemingly ugly the experiences that got me there are, i must share what it’s like to be this human.

when i open up and share the truth about my struggles, my challenges, my failures, and my shame accompanied by my lessons, my understanding, my influence, my successes and my aim — those who see me, see themselves in me, see what’s possible in their own lives or come to a better understanding of how it may be for other people they know.

Either way, every single time i connect with you, learn about you, understand or support you, WE become stronger. my life isn’t about ME becoming stronger, my life is about US all rising together.

…and so is yours…

with so much love, and so much truth, i appreciate you being here with me, Veazey

The Life Of A Word2019-11-10T13:53:54+00:00

What’s Possible Is Part Of An Infinity Of Maybes.


now is real. what’s possible is part of an infinity of maybes. maybes are thoughts in your head — not real, unlike the tangible, sensable experience you’re having right now — which is as real as it gets.

moves that must be made right now, to respond to the current stimuli and situation are you acting in the present. this is you being.

you don’t get to BE in the past or in the future. the only place you get to be is here and now. but in your head, there are infinite possibilities and therefore infinite moves to be made to get from where you are here and now, to the imaginary illusion in your head.

but the imaginary illusion in your head, is part of an infinity of maybes. so if we’re being real, pretty much every maybe, every imaginary situation in your head isn’t even likely at all.

you guide the future, through your actions in the present. but, just like every imaginary situation in your head isn’t even likely at all, your actions control a microscopic amount of what actually occurs in the future.

on one level, you are mighty and powerful, on another level, you’re dust. your thoughts words and actions are extremely significant, yet completely virtually invisible to the beings on earth.

i like to think, your future belongs to what you put your mind to.
within life on earth, beauty surrounds you, because as a living being, the beauty you experience is tied and connected to your life. you cannot separate yourself from this world. as a living being of earth, you sense beauty, observe beautiful things, and feel beauty as an experience in your body.

beauty /ˈbyo͞odē/
noun. a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses or the intellect.

to witness beauty, is to be conscious of this present moment, right now. you might create something beautiful in your mind, but you cannot witness true beauty within the confines of your head.

i think when you are unable to see beauty right in front of you, or have lost sight of it, then there is nothing to keep you here, present, paying attention to right now. if the lenses you see your life through do not detect things that please your senses or intellect, there’s nothing to draw you in. therefore, the thoughts in your mind draw you in as they are infinite, always changing, and many to toss around.

when you spend all your time in your head, attending to illusions, you cannot see what’s actually going on around you, you cannot see the beauty surrounding you. if you cannot see the truth, then your reactions, or responses, to the world around you will not align with what is true. your actions will align with the illusions you pay attention to in your head.

if your thoughts words and actions align better with the infinite possible maybes in your head than they do with the real beautiful world surrounding you, you are headed down a road of sadness, self-sabotage and loneliness.

let the truth and the beauty of this world have you. let what is happening right now guide your thoughts, words and actions. pay closer attention to the true beauty in every little thing and much less attention to the endless delusions in your own mind.

be a human being or you’ll miss out entirely on the beauty of this life.

What’s Possible Is Part Of An Infinity Of Maybes.2019-11-10T14:00:25+00:00

Keep An Open Mind, And Be Here


we’re just about halfway through yoga teacher training. it’s incredible how people change, shift, face their fears and grow. it’s more than incredible, it’s … there are no words … but no doubt this journey is changing my life. i will never forget this moment. guiding 11 people through the transition from yoga students to yoga teachers, is wonderfully illuminating, like beautiful soul magic. they are all so incredible. they blow my mind. they bring me to tears. they are really doing the work—and they are doing it under pressure. this course spans over 15 weeks and we are at the 10-week mark.

needless to say, i feel emotional, empowered, confident, impressed, excited and just plain stoked.

because i spend so much time guiding, coaching and teaching them as they go through all of this work, it feels NECESSARY that i stay on top of my own game, walking the walk as i talk the talk. i’ll be honest with you, i’ve been working through A LOT.

over the last 6 months i’ve been digging so cussing DEEP it pulls the breath out of me. in every aspect of my life, i’m asking myself, “what do you want?” i know that if i don’t like where i am, i get to make new choices about where i’m going, but first, i have to know where i want to go if i want to see whether or not i’m choosing what i want.

some parts of my life feel good and solid and certain while others are unsettled, in motion and not completely in my control. there are things i just don’t know how to address, things left out of sync, and things that still need my attention but i’m ignoring them because i don’t know what to do.

my future is very uncertain but i’m not especially concerned with it. i want to dig into this moment right now. just by taking the time to get more and more familiar with me, with my heart’s desires and what i REALLY want, i’ve been experiencing a lot emotionally, physically and spiritually. i’ve been recoiling, expanding, writing, sharing, hurting, healing, and curiously through it all, nurturing, thriving, and growing.

today, one of the students in my yoga teacher training taught the first half of an hour-long class for the first time. she fucking nailed it. she opened the class with the usual breathing, listening, mind/body connecting like we always do and right before we started to move she said:

“keep an open mind, and be here” — sometimes the universe tells people to say exactly what you need to hear. i needed to hear that as a reminder to set my focus on what’s happening in my body on my mat today and i needed that as a reminder to set my focus on what’s happening in my life right now.

part of the work i’ve been putting into myself has included breaking my habit of dreaming of something better than what i have. i’m constantly bringing myself back to the present moment and digging into emotions, feelings, and things happening right now that make me want to look away and dream of something better. i want to know why i insist on wishing, hoping, and dreaming of something better when i have more than enough power over my life to make different choices to work towards balance in the things i lack.

i want to listen to what my heart has to say, i want to put my finger on what i know to be true and mark it down for me to review. all i really want to do is “keep an open mind, and be here”. this is my work. at times, it seems this work will challenge me forever, but today, when she said that, the never-ending work became infinitely worth every hard lesson and challenge.

when i “keep an open mind, and be here”, the absolute truth is: life is good, life is precious, life is a gift—even when i pretend it’s not.

Keep An Open Mind, And Be Here2019-11-10T14:03:14+00:00

The Idea-Man


have you ever met an idea-man? someone who loves to give you ideas for your life or business but they have no intentions of helping, of bringing anything to life, they are just full of ideas…

i’m full of ideas, for MY life and MY business, but i keep most of them to myself. Some of my ideas are even sacred to me, as if i personally need to fulfill them, so i could never just give them away. sure i brainstorm with people i trust but i let all the thoughts i gather about my idea roll around within me until the time is right and the idea for version 0.01 is complete.

we are all creative whether you believe it or not, whether you flex your creative muscle or not, whether you embrace your imaginative consciousness or not. our creativity as humans is like the coolest thing about us yet soooo many people say “i don’t have a creative bone in my body”.

it makes me sad to hear that or “i’m not creative”. it’s more like “i choose not to create” and truthfully that’s the saddest truth of all. you are more than able of creating, you are more than capable of coming up with new ideas to enhance your life, you are exponentially more powerful then you choose to believe you are.

your ideas are meant to fuel your life. but it’s the truth in your heart that leads your way towards the most fulfilling things you’ll ever experience. i believe our consciousness is behind our creative sparks. it’s not our human, he or she is just here to execute, it’s that spirit, that soul within you that thrives through your own purposeful creations.

therefore, if my theory is correct (which it probably isn’t and there is no way to prove it) then, your creativity, your ideas, are relatively private. i’m not saying you can’t share them, or tell people what has worked for you in hopes it will spark some idea within them but…

it’s almost intrusive to GIVE someone your ideas when they don’t ask for them. this is exactly what an idea-man does. gives without your openness to receive. idea-men come up with ways to help everyone but lack in ways to help themselves. they give you ideas and impatiently wait for you to run with ‘em.

have you ever been should on? sure you have, we all have and i’m sure you’ve even should on yourself a million times before now. but that’s the thing about idea-men, they should all over you and that shit builds up.

my dad’s a should-er. his most famous line is “you know what you need to do…” and NO, that is NOT a question, that’s a lead in for idea-man to explode his or her shoulds all over you.

what i really want to say is, reserve your creativity for the best things in your own life. if it’s your job, a special project, your favorite past time, whatever the thing, make sure it’s something that deserves your creativity, something that impacts your life, and something that will enhance what you do daily.

in the book “Big Magic”, Liz wrote one of the most important lessons i’ve ever learned about creativeity. the creations in your mind, want to be free and if you don’t free them, someone else will. meaning, that idea will go find another human to inhabit and that human will bring it to life because you weren’t doing the idea justice by letting it just live in your head.

sparks of creativity are not just nothing, they are EVERYTHING when it comes to creating the life you want to live. so don’t just aspire to be someone else’s idea-man. “i gave her that idea” is not actually something to praise, the execution of something successful is, but the idea that you gave had no role in bringing it to life, it’s no longer yours, and truthfully, never was.

if you treat your creativity, your ideas like they aren’t sacred or special, like they are doubloons to be thrown away off a Mardi Gras float, then all the best ideas will find better humans to bring them to life.

so use your creativity to create a fulfilling life worth living FOR YOU. sure, help people along the way, but creative advice is just like any other advice, it’s gross, no one likes being should on.

The Idea-Man2019-11-10T14:05:33+00:00

I Fell Into A Fear Trap


My own fears put a wall between myself and my partner.

I’m not exactly into the most common ways of doing things and because my way of thinking challenges our sturdy cultural foundation, I’m scared he will not accept or agree to the things I want.

But that paralyzing fear, keeps me from being honest and truthful — with myself AND with him. And therefore, prevents him from ever having the chance to accept all of me or to entertain my ideas.

I always say, “Let people surprise you” but I’m not taking my own advice when it comes to the most important person in my life.

Years back I read a book called ‘the way to love’.  It was so heavy, and so deep, and it challenged every natural human instinct I had.

So many chapters in the book encourage a release of expectations, attachments and the debilitating human need to be especial. These concepts changed my life. This way of thinking, living and being, brought so much lightness to my heart, it allowed me to begin cultivating grace and resilience as a result.

These lessons, these words and these practices changed my life, yet I have abandoned them by letting my fears overrule.

Fear is a sneaky, clever, conniving son of a bitch. I know I need fear so that i can easily recognize love and truth but im fucking pissed at fear. I feel like I got conned.

Buuut, that’s fear’s modus operandi isn’t it? To convince you to believe something that isn’t true.

Fear is not a supportive friend. Every time i bare my heart and write my partner a letter, fear says “he’s not going to understand you” “this will be the thing that makes him leave” “you’re too much”.

Fear is deceptive and manipulative, but my heart knows the truth. I must be honest — with myself and with him, out-fucking-loud. I must dare to be the bravest & rawest version of myself if i wish to live my own truth (despite my fears of what he may think).

Fear doesn’t love or understand love. Love isn’t capable of clinging or suffocating like fear. Love let’s go. Love is honest. And unconditional love doesn’t need to change or fix things to it’s liking.

I know I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I have commitment issues. But it’s all cussing FEAR.

I want unconditional love and commitment but fear separates me from it.

I’m afraid  that if I commit, my heart and body will switch on me. I don’t have complete control. Fuck I barley have any control despite years of practice.

I don’t know how people do it. Get married. Agree to a monogamous relationship forever and ever amen.

My current partner is the only person I’ve seriously considered marrying, and have even wanted to marry but I’ve been disloyal.

[this is where I want to scream “what the fuck is wrong with me?!” But I know the answer — i’m fucking human, and humans are a mess]

I want to say I don’t understand myself, as if I’m possessed, that way I’d have an excuse, but I think I’m in the middle of connecting some dots and figuring a few things out.

Like all humans, Im attached to getting what I want, and I expect that the person who I want the most from, will abide because I’m so especial to him. Well at least that’s how i’ve been acting and it makes me go “ew” at myself.

Obviously, it would do me some good to ponder some old lessons.

I’ll end with this quote my IG friend posted. Its exactly what I needed to hear today…

“If you were wise enough to know that this life would consist mostly of letting go of things you wanted, then why not get good at the letting go, rather than the trying to have.” Miranda July

I Fell Into A Fear Trap2019-11-10T14:08:01+00:00

The Heart Does Not Abide


my heart is the captain of this ship, but my head is the first mate callin the shots on deck. the first mate isn’t always loyal to the captain’s wishes. the first mate is both hungry for control and power but also capable of humility and obedience.

one version of the first mate will turn everything the captain says to be in his own favor, the other version sees eye to eye with the captain and happily executes his orders.

sometimes the captain and first mate are very close and truly understand each other, but sometimes the first mate isn’t willing to dig deeper to try to feel where the captain is coming from. sometimes the first mate makes decisions against the captains orders when he doesn’t understand. sometimes he’s just too afraid to do what the captain asks because he lacks faith.

but of course, with the chain of command as it is, when the first mate steps out of line, making his own rules, and wrecking havoc, the captain does not abide.

my heart has become tired of my head this week and chose to take over yesterday. my head set up a bunch of rules for me to follow so that i do only what i’m “supposed to do” but my heart does not abide.

i’ve given my heart the power it has. i’ve encouraged it to lead, to explore and to take me where i need to go even when my head cannot see a clear path to make sense of it. had it not been for this practice before now, i doubt my heart would be strong enough to override my unruly head.

i’m so thankful for all of the time i’ve spent cultivating a keen ear to hear what my heart is saying even when it whispers. in my opinion, you can’t just wake up one day and decide you will “listen your heart” especially if you never have or have betrayed it before.

you actually have to take the time to be still and practice listening, only then can your heart be heard. i think at times you even have to convince your heart that you are open to receive it’s calling by showing up repeatedly to listen even when it doesn’t speak.

i’m committing myself to more meditation in my life. i feel it deep down inside me, my entire being needs more heart — less know-it-all bullshit from my head, more faith and daring greatly from my heart.

from deep within, V

The Heart Does Not Abide2019-11-10T14:09:59+00:00

Being Human Is Tricky.


this brain… it’s so smart and so dumb and frustrating and annoying but incredible and quite the blessing. how in the world do we live with such a crazy organ controlling us?!?!?!

but IS it controlling us? IS it??? i want to say yes cuz i know it is sometimes buuuut… it almost seems like there’s this unexplainable, sooooomething elsssssse. i say that with so much uncertainty but this afternoon in my teacher training one of the attendees was talking about how the brain is just an organ with a specific job just like our other organs.

Buuuuut the brain can see itself. Ooooor, it can listen to itself, orrr maybe it’s our “consciousness” that is able to see the thoughts in our own brains? i dunno but that shit is more complex than my brain can understand.

It’s fucking CRAZY that you can actually observe thoughts going thru your brain, i mean… are there two of me!?!?!

how can it be that i KNOW what is best for me yet there is part of me that insists on choosing the things that do not align with what I KNOW to be best for me? how the cuss does that work?

i know you know what i mean.

i don’t even know if this is accurate to say but it’s like “part” of my brain works habitually or, in a programmed method, like it’s trying to conserve energy, make routines and keep shit simple. which makes sense… but then there’s this other “part” of my brain that IF IT SO CHOOSES, can pay attention to myself performing habits and choose to stop them. [brain exploding emoji here]

alright so i know i’m not completely in control of my brain, that part is obvious, but am i in complete control of my consciousness? i thiiiink so.

i want my consciousness to gain enough strength to tame my mind. it’s impossible to stop thinking, i know that, but i can focus my thoughts. with brain endurance and strength i can stay aware and shift the thoughts as they come. but this mind is WILD, there are too many total thoughts, it’s impossible to shift them all.

mmmm i think it’s all starting to come together for me. if part of my brain is really good at habits, programs, and routines, and i teach my brain, using my consciousness, what is expected, what the common theme is and what direction i tend to push my thoughts, then the program can take over and attempt to keep up my good habits right?!!?

i dunno… i kinda feel like i don’t know my brain at all right now. i think i’ll pick back up “The Power of Now” and get back to you on this.


Being Human Is Tricky.2019-11-10T14:11:22+00:00

Whether You Land The Step, Or Fall, It’s Still Forward Motion


what did you wanna do when you grew up?
fuck if i ever really knew. i have commitment issues.

what about after high school?
i couldn’t make up my mind.

when was the first time you knew what you wanted to do with yourself, with your life, and with your time?
i knew about 7 years ago when i decided i wanted to take yoga teacher training. during the training, i was asked to write “what do you stand for, what impact do you wish to make?”

i answered “i mean to empower the people i come into contact with. to inspire, not only through my service, but through living by example.” “i stand for self-empowerment, i want everyone to believe in their own power.” And in my answers to the writing prompts that followed i wrote all about how i see myself living a balanced, wholehearted life in the future.

[if you’ve never heard Brene Brown’s description of wholehearted people or read any of her books, GET ON THAT SHIT. start with The Gifts of Imperfection]

i wrote that when i was 30. for the first time in my life, i declared what i wanted, what i meant to do and how i meant to spend my time. and i fucking meant it.

but how do i go from mildly conscious, getting pushed around by life, unhappy in so many arenas, hurt, sad, angry, and laying flat on my back where my life had left me — to where i wanted to be?

first thing’s first. when you’re lying flat on your back, start by rolling over. make like a cat and get your feet on the ground, this part is survival instinct, i can’t tell you how, it’s just like a bug or a turtle who gets flipped over, if you want to live, you just do it.

then what do you do? shit, YOU MOVE FORWARD. if all you can do is crawl, you slide one knee forward, if you can stand up, you step into that lunge position to prepare. you absolutely cannot rely on someone else to help you up, YOU have got to do this work.

and then you fucking propel yourself forward and find the strength to get your second leg to move forward as well, you catch yourself, you wobble but you learn how to balance all over again, you learn to walk, and jog, and run, and jump all over again. you get to where you’re goin, when you keep moving forward, ONE step at a time.

that’s how i got here. i learned to own all of myself. i learned to control all of myself. i learned this is a never-ending process and i’ll never master it. BUT with all my forward motion, SHIFT HAPPENED. for most of it, i had my head down just barreling though some seriously tough stuff but a few years ago i lifted my head and realized, i was mostly there.

i also wrote in my journal during training that in 10 years “I will have multiple levels of balance in my life due to an acute awareness of all things that surround me”. i wrote that in my mildly conscious state, getting pushed around by my life, unhappy in so many arenas of my life, hurt, sad, angry, and laying flat on my back where my life had left me.

in a dark hour, i had hope, i could see the light, and even though i had no cussing clue how i was going to get myself from here to there, i took one baby step forward at a time, through the muck, falling, allowing myself to wallow for a short time, then pulling myself back up. the aim has always been to just keep moving forward. whether it’s a step or a fall, it’s still forward motion.

and with that simple, solid method of forcing myself to continually take ONE step forward, i made it here. awake, aware, conscious and continuously ready to learn, to experience and sometimes to just be without the need to “do” anything. part of balance is, just being, and taking it all in — i know that now.

i’m still a work in progress. although my discipline to keep up with my intentional daily habits fluctuates, i generally get enough sleep, i eat more food that comes from the earth than from a box, i enjoy going to work everyday and my job is to empower people to empower themselves.

balance will always be an aim for me and as my life changes, the way i balance my life and my time will change too.

clear conscious awareness is also always my aim. i want to see the steps i took to succeed as much as i see the small little jabs i take at myself. i try to always be hyper aware of what i’m doing to continue to grow AND what i’m doing to create my own self sabotage.

being a human is tricky. finding balance as a human in a modern world is extremely tricky. so, if you’re going to get control of yourself, ya better get clever and find a way to walk, talk, and stand steady in an ever-changing chaotic world.

here’s a tip — always maintain enough courage and strength to take one step forward. even if you fall, it’s still forward motion.

last night, i led Day 1 of my very own Yoga Teacher Training program. the work may never be done, but, i made it. i’m finally succeeding in what i set out to do, how to be, and how to live.

i feel like a blessing to myself. i did all that work, so much cussing work JUST. FOR. ME. and now i’m right here, exactly where i meant for myself to be. 🙂

Whether You Land The Step, Or Fall, It’s Still Forward Motion2019-11-10T14:13:17+00:00

My Phone Has Me On A Leash


i hear teachers talking about the extremely low attention spans in children these days. i think i got the bug too. i can see myself unsettled and under-stimulated as i reach for my phone with NO real purpose other than to compulsively look at it to keep me DOING something.

i see how that stupid little handheld device is owning me.

i’ve written about my phone and how i’m was trying to break my bad habit of touching it before but nothing has ever stuck. i think the real change will come after my countless realizations about the person i have become (habits and all) and the mindful awareness that something other than me is running the show from time to time.

i don’t like to be ruled, bossed, owned, or controlled in any way (i’m sort of a brat like that). if i realize enough times that my phone is keeping me on a leash, i’ll change. i can feel the strength for this change building inside me but i may be a while out from something big.

My real life, OFF the screen is SO good. part of my compulsion is to take photos of my “so good real life”. As if i cannot trust my brain to remember the things i experience (although that may be true) and if i don’t share my life on my IG story no one will know how good it is. I have to intentionally remind myself NOT to take a picture because that’s how i miss the moment passing over and over again.

another compulsion is to keep my email inbox clean. so when email notifications come though that i can move to a folder or delete, I MUST DO IT immediately. i find this behavior to be some strong auto-pilot thing i started when i was overwhelmed with freelance work a few years ago and i haven’t been able to cut it out since.

of course, social media is an addiction but more than not, i open the app, see if i have notifications, realize i don’t and close it back down. is that really necessary?! no… i’m saying no, so why do i compulsively do it!?

perhaps it all comes down to my lack of appreciation for the space between. i’m always trying to fill it with something. while driving i can’t just drive i must look at the phone or sing with the radio. while working when i need a break, i don’t get up and walk, i pick up my phone (forehead smack). when i’m outside with my dogs and am pausing for a moment to let them run around, why not get a phone fix?

i’ve decided i’m not going to set yet another worthless goal to change my habits but i am going to commit to paying more attention to how i spend my time in the space between the things i do.

stillness, patience, waiting — these are the things i need to practice rather than finger dexterity 50+ times a day.

always practicing, always winning and losing, always sharing how it goes, Veazey

My Phone Has Me On A Leash2019-11-10T14:15:15+00:00

Visiting Cementland


step out of your regular environment, just for a second, and see where your heart takes you.

my heart brought me to houston to see a friend. ugh, houston is not my favorite. i moved here when i was 20 to finish college at the Art Institute of Houston. i was here because here is where i was doing the work. the moment i was done with my degree, i moved away.

i arrived here in houston last night around 7pm. immediately, i remembered what my 21 year old self realized so long ago — this place is OFF. i couldn’t put my finger on it years ago but i called it “cementland” which is, in essence, the foundation of why the moment i arrive here i feel OFF.

cement puts a barrier between you and the earth beneath your feet. the “off” that i feel is the severed connection between me and the Earth. i just realized this and realized how important it has been to me my whole life whether i realized it or not. i NEED the Earth, i need to touch it and feel it and breath it… OFTEN.

whether it’s in the subconscious, the unconscious or in full awareness, your body needs to know that the Earth is near. your body needs to touch it to recharge. your body needs to breathe it to feel alive. your body needs the earth to LIVE.

last weekend i received a message that a guy i went to college with here in houston is in the ICU and shit doesn’t look good. i asked my people, “can you cover for me?” and they said yes so here i am. in houston. in cementland. surrounded by dis-EASE.

disease isn’t necessarily something that attacks you. disease happens when your body falls out of sync with it’s usual contented state of “ease”. imbalance within yourself IS dis-ease. imbalance between you and the world around you is disease. anything that keeps you from the truth, the roots, the most natural state of you, can create disease in your life and in your body.

i came here to feel something, but right now, i just feel sad. i came to be with my friend and that’s all i’m really here to do. everything else that bubbles up is bonus.

let me be clear, i don’t think that all my people here in houston are sick because of the cementland BUT… i don’t think it’s helping. disease can find anyone, anywhere at anytime. it’s so so so much bigger than this. this is just what i’m writing about today.

if you’re here, i’m not bragging like i live in a “better” place, i’m noticing that where i live, i feel much more connected and THAT enables more ease in my life.

there is a lot on my mind right now, but this is all that is willing to pour out of my fingerstips.


Visiting Cementland2019-11-10T14:17:07+00:00