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So far veazey has created 39 blog entries.

connection flow VS connectivity issues


Life is full of those things that we don’t become mindful of—until we do.

Until recently, I had never tried to define or explain ‘connection’. To be honest, I don’t know if I can put my inner feelings about connection into words but I want to try.

It seems we learn human connection as babies and children. First from mom, then dad, then from your family or close friends. Everything you learn as a baby and a child molds your perception, or shall I say shapes the walls to contain your understanding of connection.

If your mom and dad are not deeply connected with each other or with you, then your understanding of connection will be shallow until something or someone comes along to show you more depth.

If you are lucky enough to have a childhood best friend that you get really close to, then you are able to expand your understanding of connection through every secret, through every tear, every fight, every laugh and every hug shared with that person.

As you age you experience continued relations with your parents, with your friends, in courtships and with lovers, further defining what connection is to you. Without ever having to put words to it, connection is defined, understood, and shaped by each and every relationship you’ve been a part of.

Once you’ve reached adulthood, your definition of connection can become a foundational support for your physical and mental well-being as a healthy human. When you find yourself able to connect with people easily without having to put up rules or boundaries about how that connection is flowing, then you will be able to find the beauty and value in meaningful connections with strangers passing by in an instant.

You may also reach adulthood with a very different idea around connection. Connection may be so sacred to you that it can only be experienced with certain people, in certain ways, through your certain walls that only allow the amount of connection to flow through that you deem necessary.

The flow of connection seems to be fluid, like rushing water, unable to truly be contained, therefore any flow restriction you experience, is a result of the barriers you’ve created inside yourself to cut you off from the flow.

The older I get the more connection seems to become all-encompassing. The most obvious connections are between myself and other humans, but then there is so so much more. Connection to pets, to the moon, to the meat I eat, from the ground to my feet. Connection is everywhere and we are surrounded with opportunities to go deeper and get weirder.

What I really want to write are my thoughts on adult human connection. I was tying to define connection for myself and the words “continuous curiosity with reciprocating compassion” keep circling back around. 

Continuous curiosity because to be connected, we must remain interested in their inner world, intrigued by the little gems you learn about them from time to time, and attentive when they share their truth with you. 

Reciprocating compassion because we must keep a genuine, mutual understanding, or a desire to come to understand one another whether or not we agree. Being aware of how each person has arrived where they are, gives a lot of insight as to why they think, speak, or act as they do.

When you lose that continuous curiosity, you lose interest, you lose gratitude for the little things you’ve learned from this person. There is nothing wrong or bad about this, it is simply a loss of connection. 

When you no longer share reciprocating compassion for each other, you lose understanding by always questioning, judging, or frustratingly disagreeing with their thoughts, words, and actions. If you no longer care to remember how they arrived here, then you will lack empathy and therefore lack connection altogether.

For a connection to truly flourish, continuous curiosity and reciprocating compassion flow both ways. When one person shuts down, the entire flow shuts down in both directions. Unless both the giving and receiving channels are open for both humans, the connection won’t be able to flow.

It’s a beautiful thing to connect with others, to experience that love, and to learn from them. It’s an honest human thing to lose a sense of connection with someone and to have to move on without that connection.

I believe connection is a sacred art within human nature. It’s not necessary to survive, but it is necessary to thrive.

connection flow VS connectivity issues2020-12-17T16:07:29+00:00

The Life Of A Word : Part 2


about a month ago i wrote about how words can be given life by the thoughts and energy you put behind the word. in the same way, words can become lifeless by a shift in your thoughts and feelings that change the energy behind a word.

when i wrote the story about the word shame (here it is if you missed it), i mentioned how i would be telling 3 stories about the life of a word. here is the second…

growing up, i spent all my summers and christmases in louisiana with my brother and 3 cousins, all boys. my uncle would take the boys hunting and fishing while i would stay behind with my aunt. at first, because i LOVE my aunt, i was excited that she wanted to spend time with me all to herself buuuuut, eventually i realized what the boys were doing without me.

for years, i begged them to take me with them, but for years i was never invited. i do recall a couple of fishing trips i got to tag along on but no hunting and i was so deeply disappointed about it.

fast forward almost 30 years and i get into a relationship with a guy who hunts and fishes in louisiana, just like my family, but he takes me with him 🙂 dream come true. i absolutely LOVE being a tag along while he hunts and fishes. it’s simply the best.

so i’m with this guy and i hunt with him and i watch his bird dog, Gypsy, hunting with him but mostly hunting FOR him. it’s so effing cool. this dog is hard wired to find the birds for her human to shoot, then find them once they’ve fallen, and retrieve them back to her human. this right here, is what this wildly energetic dog lives for. and she wants to repeat this process for eternity until you interrupt her by forcing her to drink water or by putting her back in the truck to go home.

after watching them do their thing together over and over i just had to have my own dog to do this for me! voodoo was 11 and not interested sooooo i got a puppy! he was an 8 week old english setter. white with a black head and black polka dots all over his body that they call “ticking”.

i hadn’t had a puppy in 11 years. he was perfection. he was sweet and cuddly as can be, showed me as much affection as i showed him, and when the time came, an EXCELLENT bird dog. his name was Hickory. he was brett and i’s first pup we raised together, and he was extremely special to both of us.

Hickory grew up staying on point (literally and figuratively) with his bird dog instincts and was a beauty and a blast to hunt with. not long after Hicks, Brett got a new pup he named Gus. Gus is a bigger dog and has a extra wild streak in him unlike the others.

of the three dogs, there was a clear favorite. Hickory was it. he had grace and spunk and more energy than the energizer bunny. he was great at holding steady points on birds, he was extremely obedient in the field, and he was Brett’s favorite dog to hunt with whether he admits it or not.

both of us had become extremely attached. even though i hate to admit the truth about how Brett did all the training so Hickory really hunted for him and not me, i still insisted that no matter their relationship, he was always MY dog, and brett insisted the opposite.

if you read the first part of this story about shame, you’d know that brett and i went through an extremely rocky and difficult time in our relationship between last year and this one. during this difficult time, thoughts of separating were on our minds but one thing that kept us tied together was that neither of us could bare the pain of losing Hicks. neither of us could stand to be separated from him. when only strings held us together, unknowingly Hickory was one of them.

if i heard the word Hickory, i had an instant smile, if not on the outside, on the inside for sure. only fondness existed when he came to mind. i especially enjoyed observing him move. he would leap around the yard, over fences, over dogs, or mostly over nothing but air like a little gazelle or antelope just really excited and hoppy.

so as you can see, the word hickory was pure light for me—that is, until he unexpectedly died in January. then things shifted, the light dimmed and the energy that existed when i heard the word hickory was dark, heavy, sinking and trying to pull me down with it. the vision that came to mind wasn’t of leaping hickory, it was of how he looked the last time i saw him—dead with his tongue hanging out.

our hickory thread was broken and our hearts were painfully broken, but miraculously, those broken hearts, broke us open and broke us into our relationship. the threads binding us together rerooted themselves as we dug deeper within ourselves. our new roots grew from our courage to get clear and be honest about our own truth and our own pain.

i believe the threads that connect us to others are made up of two strings, one from each of us, that spiral and bind together to make the whole thread. i believe the strongest of the last few threads between Brett and i was made up of all that we had held back from each other, all we didn’t say, all we didn’t do, all we didn’t appreciate and all we took for granted.

i entered into this relationship wearing my past experiences on my sleeve. i’m not saying that was right or wrong, just saying, the closing wounds and thoughts from my last relationships were still at the forefront of my mind and clouding my ability to see clear, to truly be clear and to be honest with myself and him. regardless, we are where we are, i can see more clearly than i could before, and it feels liberating to not hold anything back.

it came to the point where the fear of us separating was less than the fear of my not being my true authentic and honest self with him. ever since then, we’ve both been getting really honest and it has helped nurture the bond between us.

rewind to february—just a couple short weeks after hickory had died, i swooped up another puppy. voodoo had died the previous year, and although “we” had two more dogs, i felt like i didn’t have a dog anymore, and the thought of being dog-less felt unbearable during this tough time in my life.

the new pup’s name is Boggs and he is also an english setter. he is not very loving and cuddly, he does not leap all cute like a gazelle, and even though i adore him, he has very little interest in getting attention from me unless it involves food. he is a completely different kind of dog and a completely different teacher.

when we first got Boggs, and i would think about Hickory, i’d feel guilt and sadness. as much as i liked boggs, i’d compare him to hickory and get even more sad about losing my favorite little buddy. but, many months later, now that boggs is bigger and acting more like an adult setter, he reminds me of Hickory a lot and things have changed. the more Boggs acts like Hicks, barks like Hicks, hops like Hicks and so on, the more i smile remembering my lil buddy.

the more thoughts of Hickory that come to mind and the more i smile remembering him, the more life and vitality the word Hickory has to me.

time, patience, and love change everything. EVERYTHING. the life of “hickory” has been revived for me. in fact, that lil shit Boggs is outside barking right now and he sounds just like Hickory did. only problem now is, i keep wanting to call him Hicks…



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The Life Of A Word : Part 22019-11-10T13:44:51+00:00

It’s Happening And You Cannot Stop It.


It’s happening and you cannot stop it. Life will challenge you and you cannot escape.

I just sat down to write but I don’t have a plan of what to write. Finding—no scratch that—MAKING the time to sit down and write is by far the hardest part of writing for me.

But now, I’m sitting pretty because the hardest part is out of the way. Ok, what to write… Since I don’t have a clear vision of what i want to write, i’ll explain how i start. I use writing as a way to assess the state I’m in, to figure out what’s going on inside me, or to figure out what’s got my panties in a bunch. Regardless of what I am after, I just start with a simple question. This simple question opens the door for me to explore.

So what will the question be today? I don’t know, but i want to write about my insides, hmmmm. I’ll start with…

Why do you want to write about “your insides”?

Because lately, they’ve been quite interesting. There is a lot going on in my small world, including a lot going on in the lives of people close to me and when I watch people face challenges in their own lives, I become more and more intrigued by mankind.

No two people are the same, but our similarities with each other are everything.

It’s interesting how many people I’ve witnessed wanting so badly to be different, for their lives or circumstances to be unlike anyone else’s, so that they can insist on feeling as if it’s too hard for anyone to understand them.

Yet, at the root of that thought that keeps being repeated for them “I’m unlike any other so it’s too hard for anyone to understand me” is a screaming, crying human begging the world to see and understand them.

I’ve witnessed time and time again people putting up an arm, like a sword, to keep people from getting closer, to keep people from being able to truly see the real person beneath the armor. Many people do this, my friends do this, shit i do this.

I see this as a form of self-destruction, self-sabotage, self-mutilation and self-harm. But I don’t see this as WRONG, i see this as HUMAN and i see it as necessary. Fear convinces us that we are alone, that we are too far out for anyone to understand us, and that it’s better to just keep to ourselves and keep our shit to ourselves.

If you keep to yourself (keep your armor on) you don’t get your shit (your blood) on anybody and nobody gets their shit on you. Except that’s not true. Your shit IS you. It surrounds you. It exudes from you. It gets on everything you touch and seeps into every space you occupy.

If you think it’s better to keep your shit to yourself so that it doesn’t affect other people, you are delusional. Your shit is already affecting other people. YOU affect other people. Until your death, you can’t escape the world or it’s people. No matter how much you keep to yourself, know that your skin does not contain the mess within. You spill out into the world and onto people whether you mean to or not.

Take responsibility for your shit and everything you are going through. Work to heal your wounds by letting them breathe, by sharing your battle stories, by letting people see the real wounded human that you are. We cannot learn to understand the armored soldier who’s ready to fight. We can’t see his face, to see the pain. We never see his eyes, therefore we never see his soul.

The ironic thing about keeping our swords up, and our armor on is that the weight gets exhausting, the wounds stay wrapped up tight festering and the arm holding the sword has no strength left to wield it. Sure the armor keeps you together and the sword protects you from people getting too close but now you are weak, and you can barely defend yourself.

Taking off the armor is like setting down a weight, plus it lets the wounds breathe and heal. Putting our swords down enables us to take a break, to gain some strength back, and to use the arm for other things—like reaching out, instead of keeping everyone out.

My writing all of this started by acknowledging that people all around me are facing some tough situations. Challenging, tough situations stress us, wound us, and reveal the deepest, darkest things within us. Fear and pain thrive in stress, in wounds, and in darkness. It’s the tough and challenging times that bring up the toughest, most challenging things that exist inside us.

So what the cuss do you do when the tough and challenging time is upon you? You accept it. You accept that you are scared, that you are wounded and in pain. The only other thing to do is, deny it, suit up in your armor, and pick up your sword. But why do that? Are you going into battle?

You can battle through this or you can live through this. When you battle through, you fight. When you fight, you fight to win. But what does it mean for you to win here? You cannot win life.

You also cannot win against fear or pain because they are not your contenders. Fear and pain are your teachers. Rather than battle through, live through this and learn from each and every teacher that appears along the way.

Whether you win this battle or live through this hard time, you will not get out of being human alive. And when you die, you go alone, with all that stuff you’ve kept inside you. You can go with fear and pain scaring you all the way to death, or go with love and acceptance for the life you lived and learned from.

It’s Happening And You Cannot Stop It.2019-11-10T13:53:05+00:00

The Life Of A Word


all the words you know, have life because you breathe life into them. if a word causes you to feel something, it’s because you give the word a meaning to feel. i want to tell you three stories about three words i’ve had this experience with: shame, hickory and mallard.

I’m using these 3 stories as a way to share with you what i’ve been learning and experiencing over the last year and to make my way back to sharing with you, to connecting with you and to honor the deepest desires of my own heart—to live my human life boldly, out loud, and unapologetically as a perfectly, imperfect human doing the best she can while she’s still here.

all 3 stories end with the same note. this is the first of the three stories…

last year, i started feeling really frustrated, unsettled and uneasy in my relationship with my partner. we both knew it was happening, but neither of us knew how to make a move, make a shift, make a change, we just knew individually that we weren’t happy and thus we sat in the pile of our own mess we didn’t know how to clean up or move out of.

after months of this, i (subconsciously) came up with a way to move things that ended up sweeping our feet out from under us. i went against everything i’ve ever practiced, believed in, or stood for and for an entire month, I engaged in infidelity.

at the time, i truly and selfishly believed that what i was doing was exactly what i needed, exactly what i wanted, and it was pretty much inevitable with the way my relationship was going — but my feeling that way, was me convincing myself that I was owning my behavior and therefore OK with it. the more i convinced myself i deserved this time, the more at ease with it i became.

but underneath it all, i was never ok with it, i just wanted to be ok with it so that’s how i behaved.

when the month was over the storm began. NOTHING was ok. my partner wasn’t ok, i wasn’t ok, and our world was turned upside-down by my actions. i was upside-down with my head neck deep in shame, in disgust and in disbelief of what i had done and how much i had destroyed.

i had shattered his trust in me. i’ve never done anything like that with someone. I’m an honest person. i don’t hurt people. i don’t give people a reason not to trust me. i preach the importance of listening to and living through the truth of our own hearts — but my month of behavior turned against all of this.

i turned against myself — and this is how i gave shame a strong and powerful presence in my life for the months to come. this is how i gave life to the word “shame”.

in case you are unfamiliar with an experience like this (and god i hope you are), when partners decide to stay together and attempt to “work things out” after something like this, there is A LOT of talking.

talking means owning things and at this point, owning even the smallest true bit of my behavior brought on the biggest shame storm cloud. so, every single conversation (and there were waaaay too many to count), every single time i had the courage to own even a spec of this story, i would sit in the downpour of my own shame for days or sometimes weeks at a time.

i’ve never been that sad in all of my life. i was shocked to realize that the person that could make me feel the worst, was me, and me alone.

my extreme sadness and shame was a direct result of the pain i caused my partner. it felt impossible to bare the truth that I — as the honest & authentic person i thought myself to be — made conscious decisions that caused my partner to be unable to trust me. conscious decisions that caused the loss of my own integrity.

living in my own pit of despair, this was a regular conversation i had with myself

“why are you here? what’s keeping you here?”

“ugh, i’m just so, so, so fucking sad, i can’t shake it.”


“shame. i am absolutely disgusted with myself. i’ve never felt this ashamed in all my life”

“alright. shame then. if this is me now, what can i learn from all of this shame and sadness?”


– breaking the trust someone has in me is how my shame is conceived.

– the dishonesty that comes from lying to myself or someone else is shame’s life force.

– shame can arrive the size of a pea, and grow to the size of a boulder.

– shame is a reaction to myself when my behavior doesn’t align with my heart and soul.

– shame cannot coexist with acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.

– if i hide from shame, it attaches to my back and the weight drags me down but if i own my shame, if i pick it up and choose to carry it, it becomes lighter as i become stronger.

– acting out of alignment with my heart & soul causes me physical illness

After about 6 months of apprenticing shame, I had learned all that shame was able to teach me—this time. And after those six months, i had a better understanding of the life of shame. in that time, i actually befriended shame like an imaginary friend. i gave shame life by experiencing it, by feeling it and living it.

But in the end, i also took life away from shame. i became so familiar with how shame lives, all it’s habits, all it’s fears and i began to put myself face-to-face with all the little nuances that gave shame life. Through this process, I began to evict shame from my temple.

Today, shame is just a memory. It’s no longer a living, breathing entity in my life. I breathed life into shame, and then i sucked the life right out of it.

Shame, just like ‘love’, and just like ‘god’, is a word only you can breathe life into. And when you don’t need shame in your life any longer, it’s a word you can suck the life right back out of.


i’ve come to realize my life is not for getting better and better and better until i am the best i can be. it’s about learning, it’s about growing, and it’s about perpetuating the process. as i rise to higher levels of consciousness, of awareness, of understanding, no matter how seemingly ugly the experiences that got me there are, i must share what it’s like to be this human.

when i open up and share the truth about my struggles, my challenges, my failures, and my shame accompanied by my lessons, my understanding, my influence, my successes and my aim — those who see me, see themselves in me, see what’s possible in their own lives or come to a better understanding of how it may be for other people they know.

Either way, every single time i connect with you, learn about you, understand or support you, WE become stronger. my life isn’t about ME becoming stronger, my life is about US all rising together.

…and so is yours…

with so much love, and so much truth, i appreciate you being here with me, Veazey

The Life Of A Word2019-11-10T13:53:54+00:00

What’s Possible Is Part Of An Infinity Of Maybes.


now is real. what’s possible is part of an infinity of maybes. maybes are thoughts in your head — not real, unlike the tangible, sensable experience you’re having right now — which is as real as it gets.

moves that must be made right now, to respond to the current stimuli and situation are you acting in the present. this is you being.

you don’t get to BE in the past or in the future. the only place you get to be is here and now. but in your head, there are infinite possibilities and therefore infinite moves to be made to get from where you are here and now, to the imaginary illusion in your head.

but the imaginary illusion in your head, is part of an infinity of maybes. so if we’re being real, pretty much every maybe, every imaginary situation in your head isn’t even likely at all.

you guide the future, through your actions in the present. but, just like every imaginary situation in your head isn’t even likely at all, your actions control a microscopic amount of what actually occurs in the future.

on one level, you are mighty and powerful, on another level, you’re dust. your thoughts words and actions are extremely significant, yet completely virtually invisible to the beings on earth.

i like to think, your future belongs to what you put your mind to.
within life on earth, beauty surrounds you, because as a living being, the beauty you experience is tied and connected to your life. you cannot separate yourself from this world. as a living being of earth, you sense beauty, observe beautiful things, and feel beauty as an experience in your body.

beauty /ˈbyo͞odē/
noun. a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses or the intellect.

to witness beauty, is to be conscious of this present moment, right now. you might create something beautiful in your mind, but you cannot witness true beauty within the confines of your head.

i think when you are unable to see beauty right in front of you, or have lost sight of it, then there is nothing to keep you here, present, paying attention to right now. if the lenses you see your life through do not detect things that please your senses or intellect, there’s nothing to draw you in. therefore, the thoughts in your mind draw you in as they are infinite, always changing, and many to toss around.

when you spend all your time in your head, attending to illusions, you cannot see what’s actually going on around you, you cannot see the beauty surrounding you. if you cannot see the truth, then your reactions, or responses, to the world around you will not align with what is true. your actions will align with the illusions you pay attention to in your head.

if your thoughts words and actions align better with the infinite possible maybes in your head than they do with the real beautiful world surrounding you, you are headed down a road of sadness, self-sabotage and loneliness.

let the truth and the beauty of this world have you. let what is happening right now guide your thoughts, words and actions. pay closer attention to the true beauty in every little thing and much less attention to the endless delusions in your own mind.

be a human being or you’ll miss out entirely on the beauty of this life.

What’s Possible Is Part Of An Infinity Of Maybes.2019-11-10T14:00:25+00:00

Keep An Open Mind, And Be Here


we’re just about halfway through yoga teacher training. it’s incredible how people change, shift, face their fears and grow. it’s more than incredible, it’s … there are no words … but no doubt this journey is changing my life. i will never forget this moment. guiding 11 people through the transition from yoga students to yoga teachers, is wonderfully illuminating, like beautiful soul magic. they are all so incredible. they blow my mind. they bring me to tears. they are really doing the work—and they are doing it under pressure. this course spans over 15 weeks and we are at the 10-week mark.

needless to say, i feel emotional, empowered, confident, impressed, excited and just plain stoked.

because i spend so much time guiding, coaching and teaching them as they go through all of this work, it feels NECESSARY that i stay on top of my own game, walking the walk as i talk the talk. i’ll be honest with you, i’ve been working through A LOT.

over the last 6 months i’ve been digging so cussing DEEP it pulls the breath out of me. in every aspect of my life, i’m asking myself, “what do you want?” i know that if i don’t like where i am, i get to make new choices about where i’m going, but first, i have to know where i want to go if i want to see whether or not i’m choosing what i want.

some parts of my life feel good and solid and certain while others are unsettled, in motion and not completely in my control. there are things i just don’t know how to address, things left out of sync, and things that still need my attention but i’m ignoring them because i don’t know what to do.

my future is very uncertain but i’m not especially concerned with it. i want to dig into this moment right now. just by taking the time to get more and more familiar with me, with my heart’s desires and what i REALLY want, i’ve been experiencing a lot emotionally, physically and spiritually. i’ve been recoiling, expanding, writing, sharing, hurting, healing, and curiously through it all, nurturing, thriving, and growing.

today, one of the students in my yoga teacher training taught the first half of an hour-long class for the first time. she fucking nailed it. she opened the class with the usual breathing, listening, mind/body connecting like we always do and right before we started to move she said:

“keep an open mind, and be here” — sometimes the universe tells people to say exactly what you need to hear. i needed to hear that as a reminder to set my focus on what’s happening in my body on my mat today and i needed that as a reminder to set my focus on what’s happening in my life right now.

part of the work i’ve been putting into myself has included breaking my habit of dreaming of something better than what i have. i’m constantly bringing myself back to the present moment and digging into emotions, feelings, and things happening right now that make me want to look away and dream of something better. i want to know why i insist on wishing, hoping, and dreaming of something better when i have more than enough power over my life to make different choices to work towards balance in the things i lack.

i want to listen to what my heart has to say, i want to put my finger on what i know to be true and mark it down for me to review. all i really want to do is “keep an open mind, and be here”. this is my work. at times, it seems this work will challenge me forever, but today, when she said that, the never-ending work became infinitely worth every hard lesson and challenge.

when i “keep an open mind, and be here”, the absolute truth is: life is good, life is precious, life is a gift—even when i pretend it’s not.

Keep An Open Mind, And Be Here2019-11-10T14:03:14+00:00

The Idea-Man


have you ever met an idea-man? someone who loves to give you ideas for your life or business but they have no intentions of helping, of bringing anything to life, they are just full of ideas…

i’m full of ideas, for MY life and MY business, but i keep most of them to myself. Some of my ideas are even sacred to me, as if i personally need to fulfill them, so i could never just give them away. sure i brainstorm with people i trust but i let all the thoughts i gather about my idea roll around within me until the time is right and the idea for version 0.01 is complete.

we are all creative whether you believe it or not, whether you flex your creative muscle or not, whether you embrace your imaginative consciousness or not. our creativity as humans is like the coolest thing about us yet soooo many people say “i don’t have a creative bone in my body”.

it makes me sad to hear that or “i’m not creative”. it’s more like “i choose not to create” and truthfully that’s the saddest truth of all. you are more than able of creating, you are more than capable of coming up with new ideas to enhance your life, you are exponentially more powerful then you choose to believe you are.

your ideas are meant to fuel your life. but it’s the truth in your heart that leads your way towards the most fulfilling things you’ll ever experience. i believe our consciousness is behind our creative sparks. it’s not our human, he or she is just here to execute, it’s that spirit, that soul within you that thrives through your own purposeful creations.

therefore, if my theory is correct (which it probably isn’t and there is no way to prove it) then, your creativity, your ideas, are relatively private. i’m not saying you can’t share them, or tell people what has worked for you in hopes it will spark some idea within them but…

it’s almost intrusive to GIVE someone your ideas when they don’t ask for them. this is exactly what an idea-man does. gives without your openness to receive. idea-men come up with ways to help everyone but lack in ways to help themselves. they give you ideas and impatiently wait for you to run with ‘em.

have you ever been should on? sure you have, we all have and i’m sure you’ve even should on yourself a million times before now. but that’s the thing about idea-men, they should all over you and that shit builds up.

my dad’s a should-er. his most famous line is “you know what you need to do…” and NO, that is NOT a question, that’s a lead in for idea-man to explode his or her shoulds all over you.

what i really want to say is, reserve your creativity for the best things in your own life. if it’s your job, a special project, your favorite past time, whatever the thing, make sure it’s something that deserves your creativity, something that impacts your life, and something that will enhance what you do daily.

in the book “Big Magic”, Liz wrote one of the most important lessons i’ve ever learned about creativeity. the creations in your mind, want to be free and if you don’t free them, someone else will. meaning, that idea will go find another human to inhabit and that human will bring it to life because you weren’t doing the idea justice by letting it just live in your head.

sparks of creativity are not just nothing, they are EVERYTHING when it comes to creating the life you want to live. so don’t just aspire to be someone else’s idea-man. “i gave her that idea” is not actually something to praise, the execution of something successful is, but the idea that you gave had no role in bringing it to life, it’s no longer yours, and truthfully, never was.

if you treat your creativity, your ideas like they aren’t sacred or special, like they are doubloons to be thrown away off a Mardi Gras float, then all the best ideas will find better humans to bring them to life.

so use your creativity to create a fulfilling life worth living FOR YOU. sure, help people along the way, but creative advice is just like any other advice, it’s gross, no one likes being should on.

The Idea-Man2019-11-10T14:05:33+00:00

I Fell Into A Fear Trap


My own fears put a wall between myself and my partner.

I’m not exactly into the most common ways of doing things and because my way of thinking challenges our sturdy cultural foundation, I’m scared he will not accept or agree to the things I want.

But that paralyzing fear, keeps me from being honest and truthful — with myself AND with him. And therefore, prevents him from ever having the chance to accept all of me or to entertain my ideas.

I always say, “Let people surprise you” but I’m not taking my own advice when it comes to the most important person in my life.

Years back I read a book called ‘the way to love’.  It was so heavy, and so deep, and it challenged every natural human instinct I had.

So many chapters in the book encourage a release of expectations, attachments and the debilitating human need to be especial. These concepts changed my life. This way of thinking, living and being, brought so much lightness to my heart, it allowed me to begin cultivating grace and resilience as a result.

These lessons, these words and these practices changed my life, yet I have abandoned them by letting my fears overrule.

Fear is a sneaky, clever, conniving son of a bitch. I know I need fear so that i can easily recognize love and truth but im fucking pissed at fear. I feel like I got conned.

Buuut, that’s fear’s modus operandi isn’t it? To convince you to believe something that isn’t true.

Fear is not a supportive friend. Every time i bare my heart and write my partner a letter, fear says “he’s not going to understand you” “this will be the thing that makes him leave” “you’re too much”.

Fear is deceptive and manipulative, but my heart knows the truth. I must be honest — with myself and with him, out-fucking-loud. I must dare to be the bravest & rawest version of myself if i wish to live my own truth (despite my fears of what he may think).

Fear doesn’t love or understand love. Love isn’t capable of clinging or suffocating like fear. Love let’s go. Love is honest. And unconditional love doesn’t need to change or fix things to it’s liking.

I know I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I have commitment issues. But it’s all cussing FEAR.

I want unconditional love and commitment but fear separates me from it.

I’m afraid  that if I commit, my heart and body will switch on me. I don’t have complete control. Fuck I barley have any control despite years of practice.

I don’t know how people do it. Get married. Agree to a monogamous relationship forever and ever amen.

My current partner is the only person I’ve seriously considered marrying, and have even wanted to marry but I’ve been disloyal.

[this is where I want to scream “what the fuck is wrong with me?!” But I know the answer — i’m fucking human, and humans are a mess]

I want to say I don’t understand myself, as if I’m possessed, that way I’d have an excuse, but I think I’m in the middle of connecting some dots and figuring a few things out.

Like all humans, Im attached to getting what I want, and I expect that the person who I want the most from, will abide because I’m so especial to him. Well at least that’s how i’ve been acting and it makes me go “ew” at myself.

Obviously, it would do me some good to ponder some old lessons.

I’ll end with this quote my IG friend posted. Its exactly what I needed to hear today…

“If you were wise enough to know that this life would consist mostly of letting go of things you wanted, then why not get good at the letting go, rather than the trying to have.” Miranda July

I Fell Into A Fear Trap2019-11-10T14:08:01+00:00

The Heart Does Not Abide


my heart is the captain of this ship, but my head is the first mate callin the shots on deck. the first mate isn’t always loyal to the captain’s wishes. the first mate is both hungry for control and power but also capable of humility and obedience.

one version of the first mate will turn everything the captain says to be in his own favor, the other version sees eye to eye with the captain and happily executes his orders.

sometimes the captain and first mate are very close and truly understand each other, but sometimes the first mate isn’t willing to dig deeper to try to feel where the captain is coming from. sometimes the first mate makes decisions against the captains orders when he doesn’t understand. sometimes he’s just too afraid to do what the captain asks because he lacks faith.

but of course, with the chain of command as it is, when the first mate steps out of line, making his own rules, and wrecking havoc, the captain does not abide.

my heart has become tired of my head this week and chose to take over yesterday. my head set up a bunch of rules for me to follow so that i do only what i’m “supposed to do” but my heart does not abide.

i’ve given my heart the power it has. i’ve encouraged it to lead, to explore and to take me where i need to go even when my head cannot see a clear path to make sense of it. had it not been for this practice before now, i doubt my heart would be strong enough to override my unruly head.

i’m so thankful for all of the time i’ve spent cultivating a keen ear to hear what my heart is saying even when it whispers. in my opinion, you can’t just wake up one day and decide you will “listen your heart” especially if you never have or have betrayed it before.

you actually have to take the time to be still and practice listening, only then can your heart be heard. i think at times you even have to convince your heart that you are open to receive it’s calling by showing up repeatedly to listen even when it doesn’t speak.

i’m committing myself to more meditation in my life. i feel it deep down inside me, my entire being needs more heart — less know-it-all bullshit from my head, more faith and daring greatly from my heart.

from deep within, V

The Heart Does Not Abide2019-11-10T14:09:59+00:00

Being Human Is Tricky.


this brain… it’s so smart and so dumb and frustrating and annoying but incredible and quite the blessing. how in the world do we live with such a crazy organ controlling us?!?!?!

but IS it controlling us? IS it??? i want to say yes cuz i know it is sometimes buuuut… it almost seems like there’s this unexplainable, sooooomething elsssssse. i say that with so much uncertainty but this afternoon in my teacher training one of the attendees was talking about how the brain is just an organ with a specific job just like our other organs.

Buuuuut the brain can see itself. Ooooor, it can listen to itself, orrr maybe it’s our “consciousness” that is able to see the thoughts in our own brains? i dunno but that shit is more complex than my brain can understand.

It’s fucking CRAZY that you can actually observe thoughts going thru your brain, i mean… are there two of me!?!?!

how can it be that i KNOW what is best for me yet there is part of me that insists on choosing the things that do not align with what I KNOW to be best for me? how the cuss does that work?

i know you know what i mean.

i don’t even know if this is accurate to say but it’s like “part” of my brain works habitually or, in a programmed method, like it’s trying to conserve energy, make routines and keep shit simple. which makes sense… but then there’s this other “part” of my brain that IF IT SO CHOOSES, can pay attention to myself performing habits and choose to stop them. [brain exploding emoji here]

alright so i know i’m not completely in control of my brain, that part is obvious, but am i in complete control of my consciousness? i thiiiink so.

i want my consciousness to gain enough strength to tame my mind. it’s impossible to stop thinking, i know that, but i can focus my thoughts. with brain endurance and strength i can stay aware and shift the thoughts as they come. but this mind is WILD, there are too many total thoughts, it’s impossible to shift them all.

mmmm i think it’s all starting to come together for me. if part of my brain is really good at habits, programs, and routines, and i teach my brain, using my consciousness, what is expected, what the common theme is and what direction i tend to push my thoughts, then the program can take over and attempt to keep up my good habits right?!!?

i dunno… i kinda feel like i don’t know my brain at all right now. i think i’ll pick back up “The Power of Now” and get back to you on this.


Being Human Is Tricky.2019-11-10T14:11:22+00:00
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