My own fears put a wall between myself and my partner.

I’m not exactly into the most common ways of doing things and because my way of thinking challenges our sturdy cultural foundation, I’m scared he will not accept or agree to the things I want.

But that paralyzing fear, keeps me from being honest and truthful — with myself AND with him. And therefore, prevents him from ever having the chance to accept all of me or to entertain my ideas.

I always say, “Let people surprise you” but I’m not taking my own advice when it comes to the most important person in my life.

Years back I read a book called ‘the way to love’.  It was so heavy, and so deep, and it challenged every natural human instinct I had.

So many chapters in the book encourage a release of expectations, attachments and the debilitating human need to be especial. These concepts changed my life. This way of thinking, living and being, brought so much lightness to my heart, it allowed me to begin cultivating grace and resilience as a result.

These lessons, these words and these practices changed my life, yet I have abandoned them by letting my fears overrule.

Fear is a sneaky, clever, conniving son of a bitch. I know I need fear so that i can easily recognize love and truth but im fucking pissed at fear. I feel like I got conned.

Buuut, that’s fear’s modus operandi isn’t it? To convince you to believe something that isn’t true.

Fear is not a supportive friend. Every time i bare my heart and write my partner a letter, fear says “he’s not going to understand you” “this will be the thing that makes him leave” “you’re too much”.

Fear is deceptive and manipulative, but my heart knows the truth. I must be honest — with myself and with him, out-fucking-loud. I must dare to be the bravest & rawest version of myself if i wish to live my own truth (despite my fears of what he may think).

Fear doesn’t love or understand love. Love isn’t capable of clinging or suffocating like fear. Love let’s go. Love is honest. And unconditional love doesn’t need to change or fix things to it’s liking.

I know I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I have commitment issues. But it’s all cussing FEAR.

I want unconditional love and commitment but fear separates me from it.

I’m afraid  that if I commit, my heart and body will switch on me. I don’t have complete control. Fuck I barley have any control despite years of practice.

I don’t know how people do it. Get married. Agree to a monogamous relationship forever and ever amen.

My current partner is the only person I’ve seriously considered marrying, and have even wanted to marry but I’ve been disloyal.

[this is where I want to scream “what the fuck is wrong with me?!” But I know the answer — i’m fucking human, and humans are a mess]

I want to say I don’t understand myself, as if I’m possessed, that way I’d have an excuse, but I think I’m in the middle of connecting some dots and figuring a few things out.

Like all humans, Im attached to getting what I want, and I expect that the person who I want the most from, will abide because I’m so especial to him. Well at least that’s how i’ve been acting and it makes me go “ew” at myself.

Obviously, it would do me some good to ponder some old lessons.

I’ll end with this quote my IG friend posted. Its exactly what I needed to hear today…

“If you were wise enough to know that this life would consist mostly of letting go of things you wanted, then why not get good at the letting go, rather than the trying to have.” Miranda July