Over the last decade I’ve learned so much about self-censorship. I’ve realized how important it is to be aware of all self-censorship because, in essence, it is an act of repression and therefore an inhibitor of growth. When we fully express ourselves, just as when all animals fully express themselves, we thrive and live to our fullest potential.
In my previous romantic relationship, I recognized my behaviors of self-censorship. When I saw it, I was heartbroken. I don’t know about everybody else but around age 30 I found the voice of my soul, my heart, my intuition, my internal guidance system, my God, me — I found my divine voice. When I found it, I listened to it often, I listened intently, I heeded the messages, and I acted in accordance to the guidance. It felt like a devotion to my soul — my connection to divine consciousness. I found purpose, unconditional love, and ultimate freedom.
But you know what humans do… I followed my internal guidance system—until I didn’t. Humans have these curtains that cloud our perception. Your perception is everything. And—your soul sees everything. Consider your soul to be like the keeper of the scale. Being human, you’re an animal, you are always going to tip the scale into the wild realm of existence—where the satiation of the beast rules. And the divine consciousness that we humans are blessed to have is always going to try to rebalance the scale pulling you more into your consciousness connected to divine consciousness.
In the wild realm of your existence, the priorities differ from the aims of divine consciousness. The wild is like chaos where survival, safety, and comfort rule. The divine consciousness is like order where solid foundations are built to grow upon with infinite stability to weather the storms of existence.
When we censor ourselves, we are siding with survival, safety, and comfort. In my previous romantic relationship I began to hide my true expressions. I felt things, but I didn’t share them. I am, can be, have been and still will be a big expressor. If you’ve been on this email list for years then you know. I write to express and I mean it when I say it comes from my soul, it comes from divine consciousness. I barely think to write these things, they just flow out of me.
The reason I want to share about self-censorship in my last relationship is because I recognize I’ve been doing it lately—although it’s different this time. I’ve been censoring my messages to you, and on my social media accounts. I have my reasons, we can justify my choice all day but the major problem is—I’m not expressing myself fully with you and as I had previously mentioned, to me this is an act of repression and therefore an inhibitor of my growth. That is just NOT like me. So, I’m done censoring myself, I’m coming clean…
I am with the man of my dreams, my mate in soul-work & child-rearing, my partner in healing the earth as well as humankind. Having connected with him at the perfectly ripe age of 39, we unexpectedly, but quite excitedly made a baby. I am 7 months pregnant and I feel like I am flying. Here’a a photo if you’d like to see 🙂
I’ve always wanted kids but it just never fit the bill at any time or in any relationship. About 2 years ago, my menstrual cycle started to change and did not look or feel heathy or fertile. I had my IUD removed with the intention to cease all external birth control methods. I vowed to learn about and heal whatever was going on in my body. I started down this path by choosing to see a doctor about my cycle health.
I went to the seemingly most natural doctor in town and was told I was premenopausal then put on thyroid medicine and hormone cream. This is 100% against my way but I was scared and desperate and seeking comfort for a problem I wasn’t ready to face on my own. By this time, fortunately, I had been working hard on my over-abundance of self-censorship and recognized by using the pharmaceuticals I was censoring my true feelings and therefore not behaving in alignment with my soul’s divine consciousness.
So, I stopped the pharmaceuticals and I spent time meditating and listening to the things I had been missing that came from my heart & intuition. In my meditations, in my intentions, in my full and uninhabited self-expression I healed myself. Coincidentally, not only did I learn my fertility healing journey needed my attention, but I learned even more about my censorship with my previous romantic partner and was finally empowered to end it.
Continuing to listen to my heart and intuition, I came to a place where it was ok to grieve not ever having children, and embrace all the ways I can remain fertile and devote myself to another path. I also came to a place where I was ready and felt resilient enough to be without a romantic relationship for a long time. The only choice according to my heart & soul was to wait for THE man who’s life, intention, and soul aligned with mine. THE man who could hold space for my fullest, most authentic expression and encourage me to always express freely.
It is my understanding that we self-censor in order to fit in, to be loved, and to keep conflict to a minimum. When we spend time with people or on things that don’t align with the aim of our soul’s divine consciousness, we come to a crossroads. One path chooses misalignment which, in essence, is choosing chaos but also choosing survival, safety, and comfort. The other path chooses alignment, to heed the message of the soul and to act despite the challenges that arise—to face life head on with the aim towards growth.
Expressing yourself honestly, vulnerably, and boldly IS the path towards growth. If you’re afraid you won’t fit in, if you’re afraid you won’t be loved, or if you’re afraid of the conflict that will inevitably arise you will censor yourself and ultimately repress your potential as well as inhibit your growth. In my experience being human, the lessons come up on repeat enough times that if I don’t choose growth, the only alternative is to keep running my head into a wall. That hurts, makes me less cute, and is ultimately exhausting. If you stay strong on the path, growth isn’t exhausting, it’s exhilarating.
Onward & upward — keep growing fellow humans.
Words from my soul to yours, Veazey