conscious awareness

I’ve been censoring myself


Over the last decade I’ve learned so much about self-censorship. I’ve realized how important it is to be aware of all self-censorship because, in essence, it is an act of repression and therefore an inhibitor of growth. When we fully express ourselves, just as when all animals fully express themselves, we thrive and live to our fullest potential.

In my previous romantic relationship, I recognized my behaviors of self-censorship. When I saw it, I was heartbroken. I don’t know about everybody else but around age 30 I found the voice of my soul, my heart, my intuition, my internal guidance system, my God, me — I found my divine voice. When I found it, I listened to it often, I listened intently, I heeded the messages, and I acted in accordance to the guidance. It felt like a devotion to my soul — my connection to divine consciousness. I found purpose, unconditional love, and ultimate freedom.

But you know what humans do… I followed my internal guidance system—until I didn’t. Humans have these curtains that cloud our perception. Your perception is everything. And—your soul sees everything. Consider your soul to be like the keeper of the scale. Being human, you’re an animal, you are always going to tip the scale into the wild realm of existence—where the satiation of the beast rules. And the divine consciousness that we humans are blessed to have is always going to try to rebalance the scale pulling you more into your consciousness connected to divine consciousness.

In the wild realm of your existence, the priorities differ from the aims of divine consciousness. The wild is like chaos where survival, safety, and comfort rule. The divine consciousness is like order where solid foundations are built to grow upon with infinite stability to weather the storms of existence.

When we censor ourselves, we are siding with survival, safety, and comfort. In my previous romantic relationship I began to hide my true expressions. I felt things, but I didn’t share them. I am, can be, have been and still will be a big expressor. If you’ve been on this email list for years then you know. I write to express and I mean it when I say it comes from my soul, it comes from divine consciousness. I barely think to write these things, they just flow out of me.

The reason I want to share about self-censorship in my last relationship is because I recognize I’ve been doing it lately—although it’s different this time. I’ve been censoring my messages to you, and on my social media accounts. I have my reasons, we can justify my choice all day but the major problem is—I’m not expressing myself fully with you and as I had previously mentioned, to me this is an act of repression and therefore an inhibitor of my growth. That is just NOT like me. So, I’m done censoring myself, I’m coming clean…

I am with the man of my dreams, my mate in soul-work & child-rearing, my partner in healing the earth as well as humankind. Having connected with him at the perfectly ripe age of 39, we unexpectedly, but quite excitedly made a baby. I am 7 months pregnant and I feel like I am flying. Here’a a photo if you’d like to see 🙂

I’ve always wanted kids but it just never fit the bill at any time or in any relationship. About 2 years ago, my menstrual cycle started to change and did not look or feel heathy or fertile. I had my IUD removed with the intention to cease all external birth control methods. I vowed to learn about and heal whatever was going on in my body. I started down this path by choosing to see a doctor about my cycle health.

I went to the seemingly most natural doctor in town and was told I was premenopausal then put on thyroid medicine and hormone cream. This is 100% against my way but I was scared and desperate and seeking comfort for a problem I wasn’t ready to face on my own. By this time, fortunately, I had been working hard on my over-abundance of self-censorship and recognized by using the pharmaceuticals I was censoring my true feelings and therefore not behaving in alignment with my soul’s divine consciousness.

So, I stopped the pharmaceuticals and I spent time meditating and listening to the things I had been missing that came from my heart & intuition. In my meditations, in my intentions, in my full and uninhabited self-expression I healed myself. Coincidentally, not only did I learn my fertility healing journey needed my attention, but I learned even more about my censorship with my previous romantic partner and was finally empowered to end it.

Continuing to listen to my heart and intuition, I came to a place where it was ok to grieve not ever having children, and embrace all the ways I can remain fertile and devote myself to another path. I also came to a place where I was ready and felt resilient enough to be without a romantic relationship for a long time. The only choice according to my heart & soul was to wait for THE man who’s life, intention, and soul aligned with mine. THE man who could hold space for my fullest, most authentic expression and encourage me to always express freely.

It is my understanding that we self-censor in order to fit in, to be loved, and to keep conflict to a minimum. When we spend time with people or on things that don’t align with the aim of our soul’s divine consciousness, we come to a crossroads. One path chooses misalignment which, in essence, is choosing chaos but also choosing survival, safety, and comfort. The other path chooses alignment, to heed the message of the soul and to act despite the challenges that arise—to face life head on with the aim towards growth.

Expressing yourself honestly, vulnerably, and boldly IS the path towards growth. If you’re afraid you won’t fit in, if you’re afraid you won’t be loved, or if you’re afraid of the conflict that will inevitably arise you will censor yourself and ultimately repress your potential as well as inhibit your growth. In my experience being human, the lessons come up on repeat enough times that if I don’t choose growth, the only alternative is to keep running my head into a wall. That hurts, makes me less cute, and is ultimately exhausting. If you stay strong on the path, growth isn’t exhausting, it’s exhilarating.

Onward & upward — keep growing fellow humans.

Words from my soul to yours, Veazey

I’ve been censoring myself2022-12-27T23:26:35+00:00

Authenticity’s arch nemesis is “the lie”.


*If you’d rather listen, I posted a video on Instagram

What’s worse? Causing someone pain or lying to keep from causing someone pain? Lying to not only them, but lying to yourself — denying and betraying the truth in your heart.

Do you lie because you don’t want the truth known?
— embarrassed by your own feelings, afraid you won’t be understood.
Do you lie to avoid an uncomfortable conversation?
— because you don’t want to incite pain, emotions, or tears.
Do you lie to make it more comfortable for everyone?
— including for yourself, best to avoid confrontation, conflict and discomfort.
Do you lie because telling the truth will be a whole thing?
— questions will arise and it will take too much time or energy to answer.

To be authentic is to live a life that honors the truth in your heart, as well as the truth within others — unapologetic authenticity does not avoid truth, neither yours nor theirs. To be authentic is to explore anything you find yourself lying about — like your own inner mama bear moves in to the house and doesn’t let you get away with anything. To be authentic is to take time to become more aware of yourself in order to become yourself from the inside out — rather than develop a sense of self based on the world around you.

It’s understandable why you wouldn’t want to cause another person pain. We hurt ourselves when we hurt others. But pain cannot be separated from growth. Growing pains your soul when a shift is needed to bring alignment between your head and heart — your heart whispers, sings and cries out to make you aware of the truth in your heart. Your heart aches for you to see the depths of yourself and to live according to your soul’s desires.

Growing pains your body in many ways. Thoughts and emotions penetrate your peaceful equilibrium unsettling your body. Unintentional neglect of different elements of your life that affect your body can cause a slow-growing illness or create a weakened state that enables an injury to occur. Pain from injury, pain from illness, and pain from emotions are capable of all carrying the same amount of discomfort. Pain is your body’s way of communicating to you about something you aren’t fully aware of yet.

Growing pains your mind. Acknowledge the way a thought can make you sick. As long as there is conflict, stress and tension between what your heart is asking of you and the way you are actually living your life moment by moment, you will experience pain and discomfort in your mind.

Growth requires you to go through your pain and to learn from it. What do you do when you feel pain? If you’re ever going to heal your own pain, you must become aware of it. Can you make it a habit to face it despite your fear of it? Watch yourself the way you’d get into a movie. See when you try and fail to separate yourself from pain — to separate yourself from the pain that is inside you, the pain that IS you, inseparable from you. Facing pain owns it, acts upon it, and ultimately overcomes it by allowing it to pass each and every time is arises slowly becoming less and less painful as each flow passes.

Growth, and therefore healing, are easily stunted by simply choosing to oppose or to deny pain when it arises. By turning away from pain, you succumb to it. By ignoring it, numbing it, or just hoping it will go away it has already overcome you.

Realize though, that both growth and pain arise when you take the path that leads towards deeper and deeper alignment between your head and your heart.

Every situation in your life provides infinite moments to practice thinking, speaking, and acting in alignment with your heart. No one is all the way there,— otherwise, you couldn’t be called a human as we are flawed by design.

Every single human — YOU, in each and every moment of your life, are somewhere in the practice of looking for ways to align with your heart to express your authenticity and to empower your own sovereignty.

Every single human — YOU are also cowering away from the fear of pain that comes from your own betrayal, from the pain of growth, and the pain that must be endured to heal.

This is why we must go looking for all of the ways we lie. Lying is a pain deterrent. Lying is an authenticity destroyer. Lying is driven by fear. Lying is not living, it is dying, cowardly.

You are not a victim of circumstance unless you choose that point of view to contain yourself in. You are not in control of your life unless you choose that point of view opening yourself up to infinite potential.

You don’t have to be what others have asked you to. You don’t have to think how others insist you think. You don’t have to do what others expect you to do. You don’t have to ANYTHING — you GET to do it all. You GET to act like a fool assuming the whole world is against you because you’re choosing to see it from a narrow point of view. You GET to go wild and crazy in life and test your limitations despite the pain that arises with each fall.

You get to have the experience you choose to have. You get to be what you ask of yourself. You get to think how you insist yourself to think. You get to do what your heart expects from you.

You get to everything in this life from within yourself. Your mind, body, and heart are the vessel sailing you forward from moment to moment. You sail through heaven and hell, you sail through fear and pain, you get to sail into possibility and pleasure upon your choosing.

The journey is the destination — let your heart be your guide through the ecstasy that this life provides.

Authenticity’s arch nemesis is “the lie”.2022-04-24T14:35:08+00:00

are your eyes open or closed to the possibility


if you’d rather listen to me read this, click here

is evil real? have you ever pondered that? i have pondered it many times over. in the beginning i was somewhat younger and had subscribed to the rosy-glasses society chanting positive thoughts and positive actions telling myself and others that that would make positive results.

knowing i used to be that way makes me cringe but recognizing i was that way turned my world upside down. that was a rough year. i realized anger is real but still, i had no better understanding of evil. i think it’s important to note that ignorance keeps you feeling safe. ignorance is a comfort zone.

if i closed my eyes to the possibility of evil then it didn’t exist. but then I realized one day: all of the scary movies with a malicious evil doer were written by SOMEONE. if the thought of evil is there, doesn’t that verify the existence of evil?

i still didn’t buy into evil really existing, i just realized that humans are capable of thinking evil thoughts and, in some not-quite-as-bad-as-the-real-thing way, were acting out those thoughts to tell a compelling story.

for no reason i can explain, i had these preconceived notions that evil was reserved for demons not for man. i was so attached to the notion of this quote that “everyone is doing the best they can in their own state of consciousness” but now i see that evil inserts itself between us and our consciousness.

remember old school cartoons where an angel and a devil would appear on a character’s shoulders with two very different points of view? the angel would always guide with truth towards love, acceptance, compassion, and understanding. and the devil… the devil would always guide from anger, hate and fear and aim to uproot comfort & happiness.

the angel is consciousness. the angel sees all, feels all, and blesses all despite any perceivable flaws. the devil, animalistic in nature, sees he has the power to get what he wants, feels a need to gain power to have more, and aims to conquer.

our consciousness seems to come from some extraordinary source, but the body comes from nature—the beautifully tragic thing we call life. the brain belongs to the body, the mind belongs to your soul consciousness.

nature is chaos. nature is what holds the possibility of evil. nature allows the potential for evil. evil inserts itself between the mind (the consciousness) and the body (the brain).

a mindful person understands both body and mind. the conscious choice to aim for continuous learning inadvertently gains mindfulness. but what is the other side of the coin? the other side of a mindful person is… a mindless person. all body, no mind. fully open to evil potential because there is no mind to see, to feel, to bless, to clear out any obstacles in the way of seeing truth.

the angel on your shoulder is your own mindfulness using truth to clear the path of evil that tries to continuously insert itself between your brain and your consciousness. truth is what is. what can you do with what is? accept, love, appreciate, understand, absorb, trust, see, observe, become…

the devil on your shoulder pulls your strings, as if you were a marionette, pushing buttons on the animal that you are. the animal wants, craves, is wild and primal, angry, capable of maliciousness, fearful, irritable, doubtful, and uneasy. the animal that you are is much much more than all of that, but the truth is, none of those things are bad or wrong. they are what is. they are truth.

consider these words by Maya Angelou: “I don’t know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes — it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘Well, if I’d known better I’d had done better’, that’s all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, ‘I’m sorry’, and then you say to yourself ‘I’m sorry’. If we all hold onto the mistake, we can’t see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can’t see what we’re capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one’s own self.”

what you are capable of being = what is

you may be capable of making terrible terrible mistakes, that’s truth — that’s what is. but you are capable of miraculous magic as well and that’s the truth — that’s what is.

there are these two words to describe the relationship between evil and truth fairly well. as “duality” evil and truth are always at war and inevitably one side is always winning. but i prefer to look at evil and truth and call it “polarity” because to recognize truth, evil exists, and to recognize evil, truth exists.

to clear the evil from your own thoughts words and actions, witness truth as well as evil within yourself and you will come to realize they are two sides to the same coin. evil will keep you in a cage. truth will set you free.

are your eyes open or closed to the possibility2022-04-24T15:03:46+00:00

Ruta Skadi


some of the most powerful words i’ve ever read came from a book titled ‘The Subtle Knife’. this is actually the second book in the ‘His Dark Materials’ trilogy i mentioned in my last email about the pendulum. this is the line . . .

“Ruta Skadi lived so brilliantly in her nerves that she set up a responding thrill in the nerves of anyone close by.”

upon reading these words, i tattooed them onto my heart. let me just start with the first part she “lived so brilliantly in her nerves”. nerves are how we sense, they are the system from which we exhibit sensitivity. and important to note, to be a functioning nerve, you have to be connected to the brain—nerves are a necessary part of the whole.

imagine what it’s like, for you personally, to be human. think about all the stuff your brain does, is doing right now, and all that it’s capable of. to be human, you have to be able to juggle everything at once. and with our hyper-convenient, civilized society, there can be A LOT to juggle. how well your nervous system is functioning has probably never even crossed your mind, and if it has, it’s more than likely not something you think about often.

try to wrap your mind around what the nervous system sorta looks like. your spinal cord stems from your brain down your body with branches from the spine reaching out through your limbs. many nerves end at your skin. your nerves also surround your internal organs, sense your muscles and your bones. think about how you can feel just about any touch to your skin, you can feel pain in your belly, a sprained ankle, how you can feel everything across your entire body. your nerves pick up on everything that you experience and send a notification to your brain. your nerves are the internal communication system of your entire body.

Copyright has expired on this artwork. From my own archives, digitally restored.

and ALL of your nerves stem back to your brain—which contains, your mind, the conscious part of your brain. your mind holds so much power if your mind thinks you are sick, your body can become sick via the command of the mind.

therefore, the sensitivity of your nerves is directly connected to your mind as well. therefore, if you don’t think about your nervous system, or challenge it, or activate it, your mind will not be as strongly connected to your nerves as it would be had you a daily practice of challenging, activating, and charging up your nervous system.

pranayama (breathing exercises) and kundalini (which includes many breathing exercises) have given me unforgettable experiences revealing to me the power of the nervous system. going through kundalini teacher training left me uncomfortably raw and sensitive beyond measure.

something i’ve experienced, that cannot be seen or proven, is receptivity beyond my skin. it is absolutely clear to me that this “further reach beyond my skin” is absolutely happening and it seems to communicate through my nervous system. if you’ve ever read or watched spiderman, think “spidey sense”.

coming back to the quote, “Ruta Skadi lived so brilliantly in her nerves that she set up a responding thrill in the nerves of anyone close by.” not only does she live fully into her own nerves, she lives and exists beyond herself, beyond her fingertips. she not only gives to, but receives from, the space around her. she has the power to reach well beyond herself as if her nerves are antenna to extend her own senses—to extend her reach into the air and into the ether.

when i read this for the first time years ago, i knew nothing about my own body, nothing of my nerves, the words just struck me and have never left me since. now however, just now as i was reminded of these words the other day, i see ruta skadi (she’s a good witch by the way) is, and always was, my aim.

— to fully live into my mind & body. feeling, healing, & continuously connecting.
— to live brilliantly within my mind and body via curiosity, compassion & love.
— to insight thrill within myself and therefore within others to live and breathe and bear witness to the magic of being alive.

this fire, this flame, has existed in me for as long as i can remember. makes me wonder if you wonder, or if you know, what burns inside of you? does this? does something else? what’s your heart-fire fueled by? you don’t have to answer unless you want to, I just wanted to make sure you took some time to inquire within you.

Ruta Skadi2022-04-24T14:49:37+00:00

facing powerless puppet syndrome


what if you learned that the world you live in was consistently sabotaging your mental, physical and emotional well-being every single day? Osho said it about as poetically as it could possibly be stated:

“No society wants you to become wise: it is against the investment of all societies. If people are wise they cannot be exploited. If they are intelligent they cannot be subjugated, they cannot be forced in a mechanical life, to live like robots. They will assert their individuality. They will have the fragrance of rebellion around them. They will like to live in freedom. Freedom comes with wisdom, intrinsically. They are inseparable, and no society wants people to be free. The communist society, the fascist society, the capitalist society, the Hindu, the Mohammedan, the Christian — no society — would like people to use their own intelligence because the moment they start using their intelligence they become dangerous — dangerous to the establishment, dangerous to the people who are in power, dangerous to the ‘haves’; dangerous to all kinds of oppression, exploitation, suppression; dangerous to the churches, dangerous to the states, dangerous to the nations. In fact, a wise man is afire, alive, aflame. But he cannot sell his life, he cannot serve them. He would like rather to die than to be enslaved.”

can you feel the truth in that? i’m seriously asking, can you feel it inside you, can you feel it in your bones, in your heart, in your soul? can you make yourself aware of this without crumbling, or drowning in your own ignorance for missing something so blatantly obvious? the stench of this truth has been in your nose for decades.

without arguing, without denying, without excusing yourself from this situation—this truer than true, long-con puppeteering, slap-you-in-your-face unintentional ignorance—what would you have yourself do?

my answer? my only answer… bare it all. bare your emotions and feelings. bare your experiences, your stories and your intellectual thoughts. bare your passions and fears. bare your physical body with scars and battle wounds. bare your body in it’s current state of neglect. hide nothing, for each and every body must endure life, having withstood all it has had to endure up until this point. bare your face without fear, without control, without your favorite, perfect angle and without digital alterations. bare yourself and all that you are mentally, physically, emotionally—mind, body and soul.

why is this my answer? because hiding from the truth of who you are, how you fair, and how you got here only serves to keep you small. underestimating yourself keeps you incapable and ignorant of your greatest potential. blindness towards your own being keeps you from recognizing the power you have over ALL of you. remaining powerless, keeps you from responding to a world that consistently sabotages your mental, physical and emotional well-being every single day.

you may feel the state of the world with all of our wonderful, convenient technology has made life so easy that to complain would have you looking ungrateful for our place here and all that we have. but what do you have when your food is poison? what do you have when your education is contaminated? what do you have when your life has become so “easy” and “convenient” that staying healthy is the most difficult thing you have to do each day? what do you have when you can’t believe the talking heads on the TV claiming they bring you the truth?

we have broken hearts, broken minds, and broken bodies. we have blinded vision, senseless actions and unconscious words. we have been separated from our true wild human nature. our bond to the earth has been severed. our nerves and antennae are unable to actually feel the energy that is all around, flowing around us, flowing from us and submerging us in sickness.

if you are rooted, centered and sensitive, the truth of who you are will reveal itself to you continuously as you shift, change and grow. if you are aware, conscious, and mindful you will pick up on all that surrounds you: the blessings, the suffering, the holy, and the evil. if you open yourself up, empower your being from the inside out, and radiate your truth privately as well as publicly, your purpose in this world will reveal itself to you.

now is not the time to be meek. now is not the time to be silent. now is not the time to stand down.

wake up. stand up. speak up. and go in (as well as go out) with a mother-cussin bang.

…or not. just go back to sleep and ignore all the manipulation that has made you this tiny lil peon—a powerless puppet of a strategically engineered world out to kill all potential freedom.

facing powerless puppet syndrome2021-08-17T14:35:29+00:00

wildly conscious as a perfectly flawed human


your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health… is an inside job.

i wrote in my last email about how i believe we are born with infinite knowledge deep within us but our human brain is only capable of so much at once. for example, have you ever heard of a young child speaking about a moment in history that they lived and experienced when there is no way someone taught them that and they most certainly didn’t read it in a book. it’s like they haven’t fully lost touch with that infinite knowledge within themselves yet and so they speak of it. it’s more than likely that these same kids won’t remember ever talking about this just a few short years later.

my point is, even if we knew all there was to know in the universe (cuz you do), even if we had all the answers we need for every problem (cuz they are within you), we would still be human (a mess of imperfection)—with human problems to solve on the regular. being human is so damn difficult there’s no way for us to tap into everything we know, or have ever known, all at once. it’s more common for us to have to keep learning lessons over and over again than it is to meet someone who’s got everything figured out, and seems to consistently have it together.

aside from all of the problems that arise with being an adult human like finances, family and more, there’s a very very important job that we human adults are always working on whether you know it or not. i’m talking about your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. and the reason i’m calling this a “problem” is because you are human, and humans are a mess. it’s a problem until you’ve solved it, and even after you’ve solved it, there’s always more problems within these areas and more work to be done.

if i had to piece it out in the order in which we come to work on our health, i’d say it begins with a mental health shift that makes you aware of your physical health—then, in doing so, makes you aware of your mental health more keenly. if you think about our lives like the souls locked into the matrix, it’s like we are helplessly plugged into the chaos of the world and our tiny little lives in it. to come online to your mental health, you have to become “unplugged” from the chaos (or the matrix) for the first time. first you release from what appears to be in order to become a witness to what is within you. this opens the door for you to become a witness of how all of that chaos impacts your physical body. once you realize the impact on your physical body, you realize the impact on your brain, your mind, your mental health more keenly.

when it comes to health, mental, physical and emotional health make up the foundation of your human health. the difference between humans and animals is, we can consciously come to see ourselves and how we, and this world, impact our health, animals cannot do this.

this ‘first-level’ recognition of ourselves unfortunately means you can never go backwards to un-know what you now know. for the rest of your life, you will know when you are betraying your health on every level because you have become aware. and so, the game begins—to play a role in enhancing your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health, OR to ignore what you now know begs of your attention.

mental health is learning mental self-regulation and control. you mental health dictates the well-being of your physical and emotional states.

physical health is learning physical self-regulation and control. your physical health dictates the well-being of your mental and emotional states.

emotional health is learning emotional self-regulation and control. your emotional health dictates the well-being of your mental and physical states.

spiritual health is learning self-regulation and control of your mental, physical, and emotional states in order to find the path to your own spiritual well-being.

‘discipline’ is the name of this game. the object of the game is ‘you do you with intention to continuously grow your health physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. the game ends at death. the winners of this game are raw, real, and authentic humans with a deep spiritual connection to earth and ether. the winners are not afraid of fear, not afraid of pain, not afraid of living or dying. the winners understand what they have control over and what they do not. and the winners understand the capacity of their human body and they fucking own it.

it’s a big deal to do the work to play this game. you have to pay attention to yourself and others. you have to look at patterns, habits, and neuroses. you have to open door after door to rooms you know you don’t have the energy to walk into yet but need to know what you’re in for.

playing this game means to explore yourself from end to end curiously and continuously. it means to poke at your habits and deprogram yourself. it means you reprogram yourself intentionally and often. it means being present a hell of a lot more often than being absent. playing this game means you live until you die.

in closing, i’m curious: are you going to play or not?

don’t be a stick in the mud.

don’t be afraid to lose.

just come as you are and participate.

riding the bench is optional (and fucking lame).

play a good game and you will be rewarded.

a good strategy for this game is balance. you cannot be perfectly conscious because you are wildly human. walk the line: wildly conscious as a perfectly flawed human.

wildly conscious as a perfectly flawed human2021-08-17T14:36:00+00:00

humankind’s patriot


for a very long time, i’ve let the wind blow me where i need to go. for about a decade now, i’ve kept my connection to my heart strong so that i can hear it whether it whispers, sings, or sounds the alarm. when i meditate, i allow myself to be pulled into a world beyond my own capacity for understanding. while awake i watch for signs, synchronicities, energetic pushes, the appearance of animals, the weather, the rise and fall of the sun as well as the moon. while asleep i see, experience, and bear witness to a whole world of things unavailable to my conscious mind.

the soul’s longing of the great spirit is everywhere. our human experience is steeped in it. if you’re looking to see with only your eyes you’ll never see all there is to see. if you’re listening to this world with only your ears, you’re missing out on so so much. if feeling is something you only experience through your skin and emotions, you have yet to experience the depths of feeling—feeling can become knowing. what you ‘know’ is a vast, infinite array of knowledge stretching far beyond your learned experience here on earth as this human.

it’s my understanding that we arrive here, as babes, in-tune with, and aware of, that infinite knowledge but we must learn to ‘know’ as a human, along with learning to know everything else that comes with being human. each day we learn things, pick up on things, and express things as both babes and adults. the process of maturation (birth, becoming mature, then dying) is the box we humans live in.

say we know before we can speak, but our inabilities hold our tongue. human life uses a ton of brain capacity. so, in order to thrive as human, we prioritize the knowledge we’ve consumed and make the important stuff for survival and comfort readily available. we keep memories from this lifetime indexed and ready to recall when something similar happens to us so that we can reference them. therefore, inevitably (with very very few exceptions), humans forget what we once knew—in order to be human.

as we mature, we experience a great many possibilities to awaken with more and more awareness of ourselves and the world, to create consciousness beyond the simple experience of our senses, and to build a better understanding of true nature.

the walls of the box we’re in are thick, built with human experience, based on primal instincts—that drive to survive. these walls are cemented in with our trauma and pain. then, plastered with the lies of civilization. even humans living closer to nature have their walls plastered with the dogmas of their people. every human lives within these dense walls, some humans have a lil thinner walls, while some are extremely thick, some humans learn of tools at a young age to pierce holes in the walls gaining tiny peeks at the fabric of existence—what’s behind the curtain if you will.

i am on a hole-poking journey. i don’t think everyone comes here (becomes human) to go on this kind of journey, but i most certainly did. i also came here to be-the-fuck out of being human. as every human is capable of complacency, i am not immune. but, my drive to continuously bring myself up is unbreakable. don’t get me wrong, i am not aiming for super human. i am most certainly not aiming to be someone else. but i observe traits in people and aim to embody those traits out of admiration and because their way, in this particular arena, resonates with me and my way.

it’s inherent to mimic things learned BUT complacency will have you continuing to mimic until death do you and your habits part, stagnant and true to tradition—todays US patriot. however, mimicking alongside your own ascension (accumulating awareness, consciousness and knowledge), will have you evolving with your maturation—humankind’s patriot.

i am, and you are, wild mother-cussin animals crazed and mad to the core, but i am, and you are, capable of some radical matrix magic. being human is fucking NUTS. you’ll die a mad wild animal if you don’t start poking holes in your box. it doesn’t matter how old you are. it doesn’t matter how much time you have. it doesn’t matter how sick you’ve become in mind or body, if you get a glimpse of what lies beyond, even though it’s completely unknowable, the fabric of existence will carry you on—a magic cussin carpet ride if you will.

go deeper, get weirder.

humankind’s patriot2021-06-14T13:07:51+00:00

Distinguishing emotions, feelings in the body, thoughts & fears


I want to share more about the unknowns that come with practicing yoga. A lot of people who practice can tell you that yoga is life-changing but would fall short in articulating all the ways it has changed their lives.

So, I’ve decided to share my experiences on this awareness journey just in case you, or someone you know, needs to hear this.

Yoga isn’t just gaining strength and flexibility, it’s gaining awareness of your strength and flexibility and deepening this awareness to touch as many arenas in your life as you please.

There is no “yoga for weight-loss” but yoga provides the space for your truth to be revealed. Time spent on your mat may reveal to you all of the obstacles in your way keeping you from weight-loss. What’s more valuable? A yoga class that causes a minuscule amount of weight-loss or a practice that enlightens you on your weight-loss journey? To each his own, but we all know that real change isn’t simple, we all know that habits are tough to quit, we all know that discipline is everything — but we just want the effing weight-loss yoga class because that sounds way easier. It’s not though, that’s just what you keep telling yourself. You know I’m not reeeeeally talking about weight-loss yoga, right?

Open your mind, open your mouth, and tell yourself a new story.

Faith is built by putting attention and intention into the good you experience then making time to let go of whatever might happen, making time to ride the wave of trust that arises from the intentional thoughts and actions you’ve been putting out there. What you put out there will bring back to you, like a magnet, more of the same.

For just a brief moment in your everyday schedule, make time to let go and let faith grow.

p.s. here’s the.brain.guy’s IG video

Distinguishing emotions, feelings in the body, thoughts & fears2021-02-09T14:50:28+00:00

pleasure, necessity, and convenience — in your mouth


here you are. in this place, surrounded by these people, shopping at these stores, buying the things offered—living by way of the people that surround you and the things offered to you for survival.

some of the people and places offer the most pleasurable tastes and experiences. some offer what is absolutely necessary for survival, while some offer the “extras”. most offers are somewhere in the middle of pleasurable and necessary and so we choose.

every single day decisions are put in front of us based on what the people and places around us are offering. you can pick based on pleasure, you can pick based on necessity, or you can pick to find your own way.

convenience comes in both the pleasure-full and the necessary. challenge often arises when you do not choose the convenient way. not one is right or more right than any other, they are all just options to pick from.

pleasure pleases you. pleasure leaves a smile on your face and some feel-good chemicals in your brain. it’s delightful, it’s intoxicating, and it leaves you wanting more.

necessity is need fulfilling. to get from here to there and have the experience i am aiming for, it is necessary for me to have this thing. whether or not it’s actually necessary for you to get from here to there is a different thing altogether, but ultimately, this thing is necessary for my survival, for my growth, or for my pleasure (that word “pleasure” again).

the reason i threw pleasure in at the end of necessity is that the way we live our lives is soft. most everything is unnecessary but because we want our lives to include it, it becomes necessary.

food is one of the foundations for survival, a truly necessary piece of life. food for pleasure can bring on ecstasy. food for necessity can bring on illness. but food for pleasure can also bring on illness, while food for necessity can strengthen vital health.

if you want food for pleasure, you can have it. if you want food for necessity, you can have it. if you want food for convenience and pleasure, you can have it. if you want food for it’s essential nutrients, and necessity, you can have it. you can even have essential nutrients, necessity, AND pleasure, you just have to open your mind and your schedule (because you need time to pay more attention).

two major differences between choosing the live, nutrient-rich foods that come from the Earth and the convenient processed foods that come from most store shelves are:

1. the amount of time it takes you to prepare your food
2. the number of hands in the process of getting the food from it’s origin to your mouth

it’s easy to get you to choose something that is fast and convenient but to get you to choose it knowing it ain’t natural and there were countless hands in the process of creating it, they distract you by turnin the pleasure experience way-the-cuss up.

mass food manufacturers study, in-depth, the pleasure response of their food. they make sure they push as many pleasure buttons as possible. mass food manufacturers have so much money, they can afford to figure out how to produce more and more pleasure, no matter the price.

in mass food manufacturing, often times the cost, or the price is the sacrifice of integrity. integrity meaning: remaining human in the process. keeping in mind the impact of food ingredients on health. they know what is harmful because someone did a study to tell them this much of this thing is harmful. but no one did a study on trace amounts, sooooo trace amounts are ok—a bunch of shit that isn’t human friendly is put into all food because if you make it a small enough amount, it will fly…

the shit they put in tap water is poison. same with the shit they spray on plants and feed livestock.

of course, there are exceptions, there are many people/businesses around the globe changing the way they do things to make consciousness more of a priority. very few companies in the grand scheme leave out the harmful shit as well as change processes to limit the amount of waste they put out. these are the companies and products i support, but at the end of the day i’m always looking for fewer hands, fewer ingredients and fewer words i can’t pronounce or define.

it seems to me, because we insist on doing more, having more and fitting more into our days, the convenience of mass food production isn’t changing anytime soon. foods are actually coming so prepared, the end consumer barely has any work to do other than using their hands to open the package.

because convenient products will always exist, it’s up to each of us individually to make our choices: ‘food from the earth’ or ‘food from a box’. if you can’t spare the time to think about what you’re going to be eating later, then you are a slave to convenience. if you include thoughts about preparation necessary for your upcoming meals throughout your day, then ‘food from the Earth’ isn’t so cumbersome to prepare.

conscious awareness of ourselves provides the time needed to make conscious choices about food. convenience provides all the food you want or need without having to think a lick. it takes time to develop conscious awareness within yourself. it takes time spent alone listening, communing with breath and body. it takes love and appreciation for yourself enough to give yourself the time for this practice. convenience requires nothing from you except—lack of time and lack of conscious awareness.

life can be totally fun when you’re asleep and living the convenient life, but life is enriched 10 fold when you are consciously aware and can see beyond the surface to the depths of your existence in this world.

this human you’ve been gifted to care for is 100% your responsibility. you can choose to rise up and assume accountability for it or, you can let the food industry shove their convenience down your throat until you’re so sick that you feel you must ask for help from a doctor who will just treat your symptoms with pills rather than explain to you that the convenience you’re putting in your mouth every day is what keeps you sick.

whatever reasons you have for choosing the things you do, are YOUR reasons. you can choose to change if you please, or choose to stay the same if it’s more convenient for you.

pleasure, necessity, and convenience — in your mouth2020-12-14T13:46:09+00:00
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