human sovereignty

I’ve been censoring myself


Over the last decade I’ve learned so much about self-censorship. I’ve realized how important it is to be aware of all self-censorship because, in essence, it is an act of repression and therefore an inhibitor of growth. When we fully express ourselves, just as when all animals fully express themselves, we thrive and live to our fullest potential.

In my previous romantic relationship, I recognized my behaviors of self-censorship. When I saw it, I was heartbroken. I don’t know about everybody else but around age 30 I found the voice of my soul, my heart, my intuition, my internal guidance system, my God, me — I found my divine voice. When I found it, I listened to it often, I listened intently, I heeded the messages, and I acted in accordance to the guidance. It felt like a devotion to my soul — my connection to divine consciousness. I found purpose, unconditional love, and ultimate freedom.

But you know what humans do… I followed my internal guidance system—until I didn’t. Humans have these curtains that cloud our perception. Your perception is everything. And—your soul sees everything. Consider your soul to be like the keeper of the scale. Being human, you’re an animal, you are always going to tip the scale into the wild realm of existence—where the satiation of the beast rules. And the divine consciousness that we humans are blessed to have is always going to try to rebalance the scale pulling you more into your consciousness connected to divine consciousness.

In the wild realm of your existence, the priorities differ from the aims of divine consciousness. The wild is like chaos where survival, safety, and comfort rule. The divine consciousness is like order where solid foundations are built to grow upon with infinite stability to weather the storms of existence.

When we censor ourselves, we are siding with survival, safety, and comfort. In my previous romantic relationship I began to hide my true expressions. I felt things, but I didn’t share them. I am, can be, have been and still will be a big expressor. If you’ve been on this email list for years then you know. I write to express and I mean it when I say it comes from my soul, it comes from divine consciousness. I barely think to write these things, they just flow out of me.

The reason I want to share about self-censorship in my last relationship is because I recognize I’ve been doing it lately—although it’s different this time. I’ve been censoring my messages to you, and on my social media accounts. I have my reasons, we can justify my choice all day but the major problem is—I’m not expressing myself fully with you and as I had previously mentioned, to me this is an act of repression and therefore an inhibitor of my growth. That is just NOT like me. So, I’m done censoring myself, I’m coming clean…

I am with the man of my dreams, my mate in soul-work & child-rearing, my partner in healing the earth as well as humankind. Having connected with him at the perfectly ripe age of 39, we unexpectedly, but quite excitedly made a baby. I am 7 months pregnant and I feel like I am flying. Here’a a photo if you’d like to see 🙂

I’ve always wanted kids but it just never fit the bill at any time or in any relationship. About 2 years ago, my menstrual cycle started to change and did not look or feel heathy or fertile. I had my IUD removed with the intention to cease all external birth control methods. I vowed to learn about and heal whatever was going on in my body. I started down this path by choosing to see a doctor about my cycle health.

I went to the seemingly most natural doctor in town and was told I was premenopausal then put on thyroid medicine and hormone cream. This is 100% against my way but I was scared and desperate and seeking comfort for a problem I wasn’t ready to face on my own. By this time, fortunately, I had been working hard on my over-abundance of self-censorship and recognized by using the pharmaceuticals I was censoring my true feelings and therefore not behaving in alignment with my soul’s divine consciousness.

So, I stopped the pharmaceuticals and I spent time meditating and listening to the things I had been missing that came from my heart & intuition. In my meditations, in my intentions, in my full and uninhabited self-expression I healed myself. Coincidentally, not only did I learn my fertility healing journey needed my attention, but I learned even more about my censorship with my previous romantic partner and was finally empowered to end it.

Continuing to listen to my heart and intuition, I came to a place where it was ok to grieve not ever having children, and embrace all the ways I can remain fertile and devote myself to another path. I also came to a place where I was ready and felt resilient enough to be without a romantic relationship for a long time. The only choice according to my heart & soul was to wait for THE man who’s life, intention, and soul aligned with mine. THE man who could hold space for my fullest, most authentic expression and encourage me to always express freely.

It is my understanding that we self-censor in order to fit in, to be loved, and to keep conflict to a minimum. When we spend time with people or on things that don’t align with the aim of our soul’s divine consciousness, we come to a crossroads. One path chooses misalignment which, in essence, is choosing chaos but also choosing survival, safety, and comfort. The other path chooses alignment, to heed the message of the soul and to act despite the challenges that arise—to face life head on with the aim towards growth.

Expressing yourself honestly, vulnerably, and boldly IS the path towards growth. If you’re afraid you won’t fit in, if you’re afraid you won’t be loved, or if you’re afraid of the conflict that will inevitably arise you will censor yourself and ultimately repress your potential as well as inhibit your growth. In my experience being human, the lessons come up on repeat enough times that if I don’t choose growth, the only alternative is to keep running my head into a wall. That hurts, makes me less cute, and is ultimately exhausting. If you stay strong on the path, growth isn’t exhausting, it’s exhilarating.

Onward & upward — keep growing fellow humans.

Words from my soul to yours, Veazey

I’ve been censoring myself2022-12-27T23:26:35+00:00

Authenticity’s arch nemesis is “the lie”.


*If you’d rather listen, I posted a video on Instagram

What’s worse? Causing someone pain or lying to keep from causing someone pain? Lying to not only them, but lying to yourself — denying and betraying the truth in your heart.

Do you lie because you don’t want the truth known?
— embarrassed by your own feelings, afraid you won’t be understood.
Do you lie to avoid an uncomfortable conversation?
— because you don’t want to incite pain, emotions, or tears.
Do you lie to make it more comfortable for everyone?
— including for yourself, best to avoid confrontation, conflict and discomfort.
Do you lie because telling the truth will be a whole thing?
— questions will arise and it will take too much time or energy to answer.

To be authentic is to live a life that honors the truth in your heart, as well as the truth within others — unapologetic authenticity does not avoid truth, neither yours nor theirs. To be authentic is to explore anything you find yourself lying about — like your own inner mama bear moves in to the house and doesn’t let you get away with anything. To be authentic is to take time to become more aware of yourself in order to become yourself from the inside out — rather than develop a sense of self based on the world around you.

It’s understandable why you wouldn’t want to cause another person pain. We hurt ourselves when we hurt others. But pain cannot be separated from growth. Growing pains your soul when a shift is needed to bring alignment between your head and heart — your heart whispers, sings and cries out to make you aware of the truth in your heart. Your heart aches for you to see the depths of yourself and to live according to your soul’s desires.

Growing pains your body in many ways. Thoughts and emotions penetrate your peaceful equilibrium unsettling your body. Unintentional neglect of different elements of your life that affect your body can cause a slow-growing illness or create a weakened state that enables an injury to occur. Pain from injury, pain from illness, and pain from emotions are capable of all carrying the same amount of discomfort. Pain is your body’s way of communicating to you about something you aren’t fully aware of yet.

Growing pains your mind. Acknowledge the way a thought can make you sick. As long as there is conflict, stress and tension between what your heart is asking of you and the way you are actually living your life moment by moment, you will experience pain and discomfort in your mind.

Growth requires you to go through your pain and to learn from it. What do you do when you feel pain? If you’re ever going to heal your own pain, you must become aware of it. Can you make it a habit to face it despite your fear of it? Watch yourself the way you’d get into a movie. See when you try and fail to separate yourself from pain — to separate yourself from the pain that is inside you, the pain that IS you, inseparable from you. Facing pain owns it, acts upon it, and ultimately overcomes it by allowing it to pass each and every time is arises slowly becoming less and less painful as each flow passes.

Growth, and therefore healing, are easily stunted by simply choosing to oppose or to deny pain when it arises. By turning away from pain, you succumb to it. By ignoring it, numbing it, or just hoping it will go away it has already overcome you.

Realize though, that both growth and pain arise when you take the path that leads towards deeper and deeper alignment between your head and your heart.

Every situation in your life provides infinite moments to practice thinking, speaking, and acting in alignment with your heart. No one is all the way there,— otherwise, you couldn’t be called a human as we are flawed by design.

Every single human — YOU, in each and every moment of your life, are somewhere in the practice of looking for ways to align with your heart to express your authenticity and to empower your own sovereignty.

Every single human — YOU are also cowering away from the fear of pain that comes from your own betrayal, from the pain of growth, and the pain that must be endured to heal.

This is why we must go looking for all of the ways we lie. Lying is a pain deterrent. Lying is an authenticity destroyer. Lying is driven by fear. Lying is not living, it is dying, cowardly.

You are not a victim of circumstance unless you choose that point of view to contain yourself in. You are not in control of your life unless you choose that point of view opening yourself up to infinite potential.

You don’t have to be what others have asked you to. You don’t have to think how others insist you think. You don’t have to do what others expect you to do. You don’t have to ANYTHING — you GET to do it all. You GET to act like a fool assuming the whole world is against you because you’re choosing to see it from a narrow point of view. You GET to go wild and crazy in life and test your limitations despite the pain that arises with each fall.

You get to have the experience you choose to have. You get to be what you ask of yourself. You get to think how you insist yourself to think. You get to do what your heart expects from you.

You get to everything in this life from within yourself. Your mind, body, and heart are the vessel sailing you forward from moment to moment. You sail through heaven and hell, you sail through fear and pain, you get to sail into possibility and pleasure upon your choosing.

The journey is the destination — let your heart be your guide through the ecstasy that this life provides.

Authenticity’s arch nemesis is “the lie”.2022-04-24T14:35:08+00:00

wield your power or yield it


“There’s something just as inevitable as death. And thats life. Think of the power of the universe… turning the Earth, growing trees. That’s the same power within you… if you’ll only have the courage and the will to use it.” Charlie Chaplin

money gives the illusion of power, but choice reflects the true essence of power. the greatest power of all is willpower. what’s interesting to me is that it’s not the kind of thing where you either have it or you don’t. your soul, your consciousness IS willpower. your spirit IS willpower because you are a product of creation and further still, a creator as well. the soul spark inside you is the will of all creation and behind it all is the greatest power in existence.

you are not a mere weakling. you are not a mere anything! if you choose to open yourself up, you will see that you are undeniably a great and powerful being. just “being” alone, with intention, uses and exudes extraordinary amounts of energy. wielding energy takes power and great will, letting your energy be wielded by outside forces weakens you by means of you not wielding it yourself.

— are you here reading this on purpose, or did you just happen upon it?

— did you stay up late dickin around last night, or did you get the sleep you need to feel good today?

— did you plan ahead to know what you would eat so that you aren’t forced to pick something up in a pinch?

— did you land here because you were brought here or by your own free will?

consider weakness to be a willful choice not to use power. if you’re tired and weak and can’t hold yourself up, is it because you used great amounts of energy by your own willpower and need to recover or because you’re taking it easy, exhibiting lack of willpower, so that hard things become harder as you become weaker?

have you allowed a situation to bind you so that it feels your freewill is restricted? remember it was your willpower that made the choice to allow it to begin with.

were you dealt a shitty hand in life so that it feels, despite your will, that you inevitably fall victim to your circumstances no matter what? everything you think, say and do is an opportunity to use your power to make shift happen—shift your perspective and you inevitably shift your circumstances. it’s not a quick and easy thing, it’s a life-long affair dancing with fear and love. the stronger your will, the more powerful your love.

an interesting dichotomy that exists for humans is that you’re meant to simultaneously figure shit out alone while you realize that you are not separate from anyone or anything else. you are tragically in charge of this complex human life but you are beautifully equipped with grace, intelligence and virtue provided to you by your soul. you just have to use your willpower to be what you are, choose what you do and live with what turns out.

but the truth is “just using your willpower” has become very very difficult. say we are each like lotus flowers born buried beneath the mud underneath tons of water. the world we live in, the society and what not, is like the mud. it’s thick, and dark, and very very difficult to push through. and not only mud but there are roots and other vegetation on top of you and there is no clear path to freedom. there are schedules, and norms, and money, and grocery stores, and socially acceptable rules, and trends, and money, and stories, and shame, and conveniences, and expectations, and money and a bunch of shit in your way to finding a path to freedom, to the light, to heaven.

i’ve made a choice to believe that heaven and hell are on earth, not separate from it. they are earthly words and as far as i’ve witnessed, they both exist right here on the ground. BUT, what’s crazy is, they exist in our own minds as well. i believe when you die, and become free from your mind, you are also free from this human heaven and hell.

back to the lotus. a lotus doesn’t have a human mind. it has nature’s instinct to push upward, to grow, and pull from all that is within and around it to thrive, and to then die naturally without a fight. having a human mind IS the challenge that gets in our way as we reach to the surface. your human mind looks at the obstacle in front of itself and then chooses how to proceed. the lotus proceeds without any sight at all. the mind can think and ponder a way to navigate the mud and the roots and all the things in the way and come up with a plan of how to get through this mess. but the mind feels and learns pain along the way, realizing that pushing forward is painful. and with the great willpower behind all that the mind is capable of, it’s easier to choose to be comfortable. if you don’t push forward, you don’t have to get stuck, you don’t have to get tangled in the world’s web, you can just lay low, living in the mud you were born into, never exhausting yourself with the fight for freedom, for light, for heaven.

but … within you is that soul spark that originates from the conscious will of creation. it is the will of all living beings to grow and thrive and reach the highest possibility of existence. that spark is what pushes the lotus flower through the journey up to the surface to bloom. no matter how comfortable you become with complacency and living in the mud as well as being trapped in the webs of the world, the conscious will of creation is within you burning. if you so choose, your mind, body and being are available to become conduits for the conscious will of creation to flow through you. also though, if you so choose, you can allow your mind to get stuck, tangled in the webs and mud unable to feel deeply, unable to see clearly, unable to bloom. you can choose to close yourself off from the fire of your will, you can choose to let the world smother your flame and all but put it out.

even if you’ve allowed your willpower to be consumed by the world around you, know that there is never a time when you cannot begin again to open yourself up to that power within you. the simplest way to begin again is to use your god-given power to think, speak and act with intention.

choose with intention

… the words you read

… how much time you need to sleep

… what you put in your mouth

… your aim, right this second

have the courage and the will to live on purpose. respond to the tragedy of life with grace. remember that ultimately, you and earth and all of the earthly beings are not separate. your shit is their shit. “inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit” is a good saying cuz our minds are full of bullshit but “inhale the bullshit, exhale the good shit” makes better sense here. take in all of it, the good and the bad. process it, transmute the bad within yourself to something honest and true viewed through a lens of love. then, do everything in your power to push all that good in you out into the world.

use the power you’ve been given to go on a fantastic ride and listen to soulful music along the way to keep that fire raging inside you.

wield your power or yield it2021-09-30T19:40:12+00:00

facing powerless puppet syndrome


what if you learned that the world you live in was consistently sabotaging your mental, physical and emotional well-being every single day? Osho said it about as poetically as it could possibly be stated:

“No society wants you to become wise: it is against the investment of all societies. If people are wise they cannot be exploited. If they are intelligent they cannot be subjugated, they cannot be forced in a mechanical life, to live like robots. They will assert their individuality. They will have the fragrance of rebellion around them. They will like to live in freedom. Freedom comes with wisdom, intrinsically. They are inseparable, and no society wants people to be free. The communist society, the fascist society, the capitalist society, the Hindu, the Mohammedan, the Christian — no society — would like people to use their own intelligence because the moment they start using their intelligence they become dangerous — dangerous to the establishment, dangerous to the people who are in power, dangerous to the ‘haves’; dangerous to all kinds of oppression, exploitation, suppression; dangerous to the churches, dangerous to the states, dangerous to the nations. In fact, a wise man is afire, alive, aflame. But he cannot sell his life, he cannot serve them. He would like rather to die than to be enslaved.”

can you feel the truth in that? i’m seriously asking, can you feel it inside you, can you feel it in your bones, in your heart, in your soul? can you make yourself aware of this without crumbling, or drowning in your own ignorance for missing something so blatantly obvious? the stench of this truth has been in your nose for decades.

without arguing, without denying, without excusing yourself from this situation—this truer than true, long-con puppeteering, slap-you-in-your-face unintentional ignorance—what would you have yourself do?

my answer? my only answer… bare it all. bare your emotions and feelings. bare your experiences, your stories and your intellectual thoughts. bare your passions and fears. bare your physical body with scars and battle wounds. bare your body in it’s current state of neglect. hide nothing, for each and every body must endure life, having withstood all it has had to endure up until this point. bare your face without fear, without control, without your favorite, perfect angle and without digital alterations. bare yourself and all that you are mentally, physically, emotionally—mind, body and soul.

why is this my answer? because hiding from the truth of who you are, how you fair, and how you got here only serves to keep you small. underestimating yourself keeps you incapable and ignorant of your greatest potential. blindness towards your own being keeps you from recognizing the power you have over ALL of you. remaining powerless, keeps you from responding to a world that consistently sabotages your mental, physical and emotional well-being every single day.

you may feel the state of the world with all of our wonderful, convenient technology has made life so easy that to complain would have you looking ungrateful for our place here and all that we have. but what do you have when your food is poison? what do you have when your education is contaminated? what do you have when your life has become so “easy” and “convenient” that staying healthy is the most difficult thing you have to do each day? what do you have when you can’t believe the talking heads on the TV claiming they bring you the truth?

we have broken hearts, broken minds, and broken bodies. we have blinded vision, senseless actions and unconscious words. we have been separated from our true wild human nature. our bond to the earth has been severed. our nerves and antennae are unable to actually feel the energy that is all around, flowing around us, flowing from us and submerging us in sickness.

if you are rooted, centered and sensitive, the truth of who you are will reveal itself to you continuously as you shift, change and grow. if you are aware, conscious, and mindful you will pick up on all that surrounds you: the blessings, the suffering, the holy, and the evil. if you open yourself up, empower your being from the inside out, and radiate your truth privately as well as publicly, your purpose in this world will reveal itself to you.

now is not the time to be meek. now is not the time to be silent. now is not the time to stand down.

wake up. stand up. speak up. and go in (as well as go out) with a mother-cussin bang.

…or not. just go back to sleep and ignore all the manipulation that has made you this tiny lil peon—a powerless puppet of a strategically engineered world out to kill all potential freedom.

facing powerless puppet syndrome2021-08-17T14:35:29+00:00

wildly conscious as a perfectly flawed human


your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health… is an inside job.

i wrote in my last email about how i believe we are born with infinite knowledge deep within us but our human brain is only capable of so much at once. for example, have you ever heard of a young child speaking about a moment in history that they lived and experienced when there is no way someone taught them that and they most certainly didn’t read it in a book. it’s like they haven’t fully lost touch with that infinite knowledge within themselves yet and so they speak of it. it’s more than likely that these same kids won’t remember ever talking about this just a few short years later.

my point is, even if we knew all there was to know in the universe (cuz you do), even if we had all the answers we need for every problem (cuz they are within you), we would still be human (a mess of imperfection)—with human problems to solve on the regular. being human is so damn difficult there’s no way for us to tap into everything we know, or have ever known, all at once. it’s more common for us to have to keep learning lessons over and over again than it is to meet someone who’s got everything figured out, and seems to consistently have it together.

aside from all of the problems that arise with being an adult human like finances, family and more, there’s a very very important job that we human adults are always working on whether you know it or not. i’m talking about your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. and the reason i’m calling this a “problem” is because you are human, and humans are a mess. it’s a problem until you’ve solved it, and even after you’ve solved it, there’s always more problems within these areas and more work to be done.

if i had to piece it out in the order in which we come to work on our health, i’d say it begins with a mental health shift that makes you aware of your physical health—then, in doing so, makes you aware of your mental health more keenly. if you think about our lives like the souls locked into the matrix, it’s like we are helplessly plugged into the chaos of the world and our tiny little lives in it. to come online to your mental health, you have to become “unplugged” from the chaos (or the matrix) for the first time. first you release from what appears to be in order to become a witness to what is within you. this opens the door for you to become a witness of how all of that chaos impacts your physical body. once you realize the impact on your physical body, you realize the impact on your brain, your mind, your mental health more keenly.

when it comes to health, mental, physical and emotional health make up the foundation of your human health. the difference between humans and animals is, we can consciously come to see ourselves and how we, and this world, impact our health, animals cannot do this.

this ‘first-level’ recognition of ourselves unfortunately means you can never go backwards to un-know what you now know. for the rest of your life, you will know when you are betraying your health on every level because you have become aware. and so, the game begins—to play a role in enhancing your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health, OR to ignore what you now know begs of your attention.

mental health is learning mental self-regulation and control. you mental health dictates the well-being of your physical and emotional states.

physical health is learning physical self-regulation and control. your physical health dictates the well-being of your mental and emotional states.

emotional health is learning emotional self-regulation and control. your emotional health dictates the well-being of your mental and physical states.

spiritual health is learning self-regulation and control of your mental, physical, and emotional states in order to find the path to your own spiritual well-being.

‘discipline’ is the name of this game. the object of the game is ‘you do you with intention to continuously grow your health physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. the game ends at death. the winners of this game are raw, real, and authentic humans with a deep spiritual connection to earth and ether. the winners are not afraid of fear, not afraid of pain, not afraid of living or dying. the winners understand what they have control over and what they do not. and the winners understand the capacity of their human body and they fucking own it.

it’s a big deal to do the work to play this game. you have to pay attention to yourself and others. you have to look at patterns, habits, and neuroses. you have to open door after door to rooms you know you don’t have the energy to walk into yet but need to know what you’re in for.

playing this game means to explore yourself from end to end curiously and continuously. it means to poke at your habits and deprogram yourself. it means you reprogram yourself intentionally and often. it means being present a hell of a lot more often than being absent. playing this game means you live until you die.

in closing, i’m curious: are you going to play or not?

don’t be a stick in the mud.

don’t be afraid to lose.

just come as you are and participate.

riding the bench is optional (and fucking lame).

play a good game and you will be rewarded.

a good strategy for this game is balance. you cannot be perfectly conscious because you are wildly human. walk the line: wildly conscious as a perfectly flawed human.

wildly conscious as a perfectly flawed human2021-08-17T14:36:00+00:00

symptoms of delusion


it’s taken me over a decade to become the person i am. i started waking up around 25 years old and ever since then have put exponentially more intention into my thoughts, words and actions. one of the first and biggest things i realized (or became awake to something i was missing) was the truth about the great and all-powerful world of medicine.

before age 25, all of my experiences with doctor visits and medical facilities went as expected, all was well and the “experts” were easily trusted.

but since then i’ve learned that when i had knee surgeries, my small mind felt as if they (the doctors) were “fixing” me but over time, enduring experiences, and by opening my awareness to the many levels involved in healing, it has become known as absolute truth to me that doctors cannot fix people. doctors make (or make available) modifications on our path to healing—sometimes for the better with great success, sometimes for the worse, sometimes causing a person’s premature death.

medicine, and the modern medical availabilities, are “extra”. we humans can live and die just fine without it. some may argue, “yes we can live without medicine, but can we thrive?” i believe the potential for thriving without the medical world now is greater than any kind of thriving seen in the present day. i think with the way we are taught and indoctrinated, people truly believe we cannot live without medicine. with the state of mind, “i can’t heal myself without a doctor’s help” we instantly shrink ourselves down betraying our personal power and knowledge.

i actually believe doctors would be so much happier with their work if people assumed responsibility for themselves and only visited doctors for guidance or assistance on the path they’ve already chosen for their own healing. sure, doctors stay in business because people return but i believe doctors wish for their patients to heal enough to not have to return to them. would you really trust a doctor if he or she hopes you’ll need to come back for their help?

over the last decade, i’ve had several experiences with modern medicine that have changed my perspective forever. i’ve had a surgical procedure that didn’t work. i’ve been all but physically forced to have a surgical procedure that i very obviously was not in favor of—only to confirm the surgeon was overzealous and the procedure (along with all the pain and healing that followed) was completely unnecessary. and, i’ve had to find a way to heal myself of a year-long chronic infection because all my doctor could offer was medicine that didn’t work and caused other problems.

with those three experiences along with a few others, i’ve fallen completely out of trust. i am still open, and i still have hope, but i do not trust openly or willingly in medicine without a new trust being built situation by situation.

i am not the kind of person who fits into a box. i am the way i am because i’m not trying to fit in and in doing so have become unapologetically myself. as a result, i’ve come to trust my guts. when i invite in the thought, or knowledge, of someone i love getting the vaccine, my guts react. i am sad that people who have no use for the vaccine were talked into it and i am very concerned for all who have received it already. i’m not upset with anyone for getting it, i’m upset that there are people in the world who think it’s ok to convince people to get it.

when the word of a vaccine being worked on last year became such big news that all everyone could look forward to was having a vaccine so we could “go back to normal” my guts were reacting. first, i didn’t want a vaccine because i’ve made it all this time without having one and humanity is still booming, and two, the way people were talking, i was expected to get one whether i like it or not.

i know, most people don’t like being told what to do, so it could be a trigger because of that but, none of this felt right. so, i started reading my ass off for any indication that my getting a vaccine was the best way to behave in this situation. it turns out, if you wanna know about a vaccine, you have to first learn about the illness. i can honestly say, the history of many illnesses and the medical research behind the stories are SKETCH AS FUCK.

here’s the most interesting fact: something that the Spanish Flu, Polio, and Covid-19 all have in common—they’ve never been proved to pass from human to human. this means, no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get a sick person with the Spanish Flu, Polio, or Covid-19 to infect someone else. NOT ONCE. do you know how they decided polio was a virus? they took tiny pieces of diseased spinal cord from a deceased paralyzed boy and first made two monkeys ingest it. when nothing happened, they injected it into the monkey’s brains. one died, the other was paralyzed. and so, the poliovirus was identified. later they realized they were getting sick from the water… so they vaccinated everyone and course-corrected the water problem and polio all but disappeared in most places. everyone praises the vaccine but — if they call what they did isolating polio, i’m skeptical as to what that vaccine was doing (especially since today polio is almost gone but there’s a bunch of vaccine-induced cases on the books).

i’m presently concluding that vaccines are possible illness prevention but they are not stable enough to stand on. they are a risk prevention that puts you at risk. they are … what you choose if you trust your doctor. arguably, they are what you choose if you trust your government. you choose this, because it feels like your only choice…

i cannot choose to be vaccinated, and it feels like my only choice. i am not anti-vaccinations. i commit to remaining open and hopeful that medical science will come back to the nature of things and the findings will blow all of our minds. i am open to surprises and open to finding a way to trust again, but until then i will actively watch from the bleachers with no intention to play. i’ll add this commentary, but i’ll mostly remain silent.

my question to every person encouraging others to get the vaccine—how do you have the audacity to urge someone to get the vaccine when you don’t even know if it’s safe? no one knows if it’s safe, period. although, some people’s experiences with it have caused them to feel it’s not safe.

just like any drug that hasn’t been around very long, how can anyone call it safe? we all know about the commercials that pop up 10 years down the road “have you or a loved one experienced [insert some common problem that shows up from taking some medicine]”.

do you know why this sabotaging cycle continues on and on? because in the world of medicine, “there’s a medicine for that”. we get prescribed medicine to deal with the side effects of medicine. we get prescribed medicine to help with the symptoms of our illness. WITH THE SYMPTOMS. the symptoms are part of your body’s guidance system communicating to you that some shit ain’t right. think of symptoms as a call for help. taking medicine for the symptom—while it can most definitely improve quality of life—mutes the call for help.

taking the vaccine is taking a risk of unknown magnitude to mitigate a risk of somewhat known magnitude. how can you feel ok talking anyone into that unknown?

during the pandemic, the ethical responsibility of “not getting others sick” was common. i heard over and over again “i’m not going to see them because i just couldn’t bare the thought of getting them sick”. but you’ll encourage someone to get a vaccine that could potentially make them sick or cause future health problems?

i think the most important thing i’ve learned in my decade of waking up is that my body doesn’t need my help. my conscious mind doesn’t have a clue about what my body is working on. what my body really needs, is my support. putting ointment and a bandaid on your cut doesn’t heal you, it supports the healing process.

everyone’s healing process is personal because it’s their body alone doing the healing and having the experience. no one else can tell you what you’re body is going through, but your body is telling you every moment of every day. your healing process is yours alone, and the decisions you make around supporting your body through that process are yours to make.

if you’ve decided a vaccine is the right action for you, that’s for you. if you’ve decided the vaccine is the right action for someone else, that’s not up to you. this body you have is your sole possession—own it, but don’t pretend like you own anyone else’s body too.

symptoms of delusion2021-08-18T01:27:52+00:00
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