it’s taken me over a decade to become the person i am. i started waking up around 25 years old and ever since then have put exponentially more intention into my thoughts, words and actions. one of the first and biggest things i realized (or became awake to something i was missing) was the truth about the great and all-powerful world of medicine.

before age 25, all of my experiences with doctor visits and medical facilities went as expected, all was well and the “experts” were easily trusted.

but since then i’ve learned that when i had knee surgeries, my small mind felt as if they (the doctors) were “fixing” me but over time, enduring experiences, and by opening my awareness to the many levels involved in healing, it has become known as absolute truth to me that doctors cannot fix people. doctors make (or make available) modifications on our path to healing—sometimes for the better with great success, sometimes for the worse, sometimes causing a person’s premature death.

medicine, and the modern medical availabilities, are “extra”. we humans can live and die just fine without it. some may argue, “yes we can live without medicine, but can we thrive?” i believe the potential for thriving without the medical world now is greater than any kind of thriving seen in the present day. i think with the way we are taught and indoctrinated, people truly believe we cannot live without medicine. with the state of mind, “i can’t heal myself without a doctor’s help” we instantly shrink ourselves down betraying our personal power and knowledge.

i actually believe doctors would be so much happier with their work if people assumed responsibility for themselves and only visited doctors for guidance or assistance on the path they’ve already chosen for their own healing. sure, doctors stay in business because people return but i believe doctors wish for their patients to heal enough to not have to return to them. would you really trust a doctor if he or she hopes you’ll need to come back for their help?

over the last decade, i’ve had several experiences with modern medicine that have changed my perspective forever. i’ve had a surgical procedure that didn’t work. i’ve been all but physically forced to have a surgical procedure that i very obviously was not in favor of—only to confirm the surgeon was overzealous and the procedure (along with all the pain and healing that followed) was completely unnecessary. and, i’ve had to find a way to heal myself of a year-long chronic infection because all my doctor could offer was medicine that didn’t work and caused other problems.

with those three experiences along with a few others, i’ve fallen completely out of trust. i am still open, and i still have hope, but i do not trust openly or willingly in medicine without a new trust being built situation by situation.

i am not the kind of person who fits into a box. i am the way i am because i’m not trying to fit in and in doing so have become unapologetically myself. as a result, i’ve come to trust my guts. when i invite in the thought, or knowledge, of someone i love getting the vaccine, my guts react. i am sad that people who have no use for the vaccine were talked into it and i am very concerned for all who have received it already. i’m not upset with anyone for getting it, i’m upset that there are people in the world who think it’s ok to convince people to get it.

when the word of a vaccine being worked on last year became such big news that all everyone could look forward to was having a vaccine so we could “go back to normal” my guts were reacting. first, i didn’t want a vaccine because i’ve made it all this time without having one and humanity is still booming, and two, the way people were talking, i was expected to get one whether i like it or not.

i know, most people don’t like being told what to do, so it could be a trigger because of that but, none of this felt right. so, i started reading my ass off for any indication that my getting a vaccine was the best way to behave in this situation. it turns out, if you wanna know about a vaccine, you have to first learn about the illness. i can honestly say, the history of many illnesses and the medical research behind the stories are SKETCH AS FUCK.

here’s the most interesting fact: something that the Spanish Flu, Polio, and Covid-19 all have in common—they’ve never been proved to pass from human to human. this means, no matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get a sick person with the Spanish Flu, Polio, or Covid-19 to infect someone else. NOT ONCE. do you know how they decided polio was a virus? they took tiny pieces of diseased spinal cord from a deceased paralyzed boy and first made two monkeys ingest it. when nothing happened, they injected it into the monkey’s brains. one died, the other was paralyzed. and so, the poliovirus was identified. later they realized they were getting sick from the water… so they vaccinated everyone and course-corrected the water problem and polio all but disappeared in most places. everyone praises the vaccine but — if they call what they did isolating polio, i’m skeptical as to what that vaccine was doing (especially since today polio is almost gone but there’s a bunch of vaccine-induced cases on the books).

i’m presently concluding that vaccines are possible illness prevention but they are not stable enough to stand on. they are a risk prevention that puts you at risk. they are … what you choose if you trust your doctor. arguably, they are what you choose if you trust your government. you choose this, because it feels like your only choice…

i cannot choose to be vaccinated, and it feels like my only choice. i am not anti-vaccinations. i commit to remaining open and hopeful that medical science will come back to the nature of things and the findings will blow all of our minds. i am open to surprises and open to finding a way to trust again, but until then i will actively watch from the bleachers with no intention to play. i’ll add this commentary, but i’ll mostly remain silent.

my question to every person encouraging others to get the vaccine—how do you have the audacity to urge someone to get the vaccine when you don’t even know if it’s safe? no one knows if it’s safe, period. although, some people’s experiences with it have caused them to feel it’s not safe.

just like any drug that hasn’t been around very long, how can anyone call it safe? we all know about the commercials that pop up 10 years down the road “have you or a loved one experienced [insert some common problem that shows up from taking some medicine]”.

do you know why this sabotaging cycle continues on and on? because in the world of medicine, “there’s a medicine for that”. we get prescribed medicine to deal with the side effects of medicine. we get prescribed medicine to help with the symptoms of our illness. WITH THE SYMPTOMS. the symptoms are part of your body’s guidance system communicating to you that some shit ain’t right. think of symptoms as a call for help. taking medicine for the symptom—while it can most definitely improve quality of life—mutes the call for help.

taking the vaccine is taking a risk of unknown magnitude to mitigate a risk of somewhat known magnitude. how can you feel ok talking anyone into that unknown?

during the pandemic, the ethical responsibility of “not getting others sick” was common. i heard over and over again “i’m not going to see them because i just couldn’t bare the thought of getting them sick”. but you’ll encourage someone to get a vaccine that could potentially make them sick or cause future health problems?

i think the most important thing i’ve learned in my decade of waking up is that my body doesn’t need my help. my conscious mind doesn’t have a clue about what my body is working on. what my body really needs, is my support. putting ointment and a bandaid on your cut doesn’t heal you, it supports the healing process.

everyone’s healing process is personal because it’s their body alone doing the healing and having the experience. no one else can tell you what you’re body is going through, but your body is telling you every moment of every day. your healing process is yours alone, and the decisions you make around supporting your body through that process are yours to make.

if you’ve decided a vaccine is the right action for you, that’s for you. if you’ve decided the vaccine is the right action for someone else, that’s not up to you. this body you have is your sole possession—own it, but don’t pretend like you own anyone else’s body too.