I keep looking at my girl Talulah-Jane and thinking “I am so lucky”. I repeat it, I take it in, I am so so so grateful to have this child. I’m recognizing that I am infinitely grateful because this is something I wished for for so long that I had given up. I fully surrendered to the truth that my deepest desire to have children would not come to be. I fully explored this reality and what I would use that generative energy for if not to have children. I no longer spent time wishing, hoping, praying, or grasping at smoke. I looked to my future and I said to myself “I’m going to give greatly of myself to this Earth, that which I would have given to a child.”

What a great lesson to want something so badly for so long that the only way to heal the ache in your heart caused by it’s absence was to fill the emptiness with raw, real, rich surrender. And then it just so happened upon that surrender, the very thing you wanted so badly for so long is gifted to you. This is a lesson I’ve learned over and over in my life. However, I’m not always gifted what I wished for, I’m often gifted what I needed instead.

In my last relationship I loved so many things that came with that relationship I had to break up with those things as much as I had to break up with him. I made a list of everything I didn’t want to lose that came with the relationship. Then I separated it all into two lists. One list was things I could create for myself, and the other list was the irreplaceable things I would lose if it ended. When I moved to Kansas with him he bought this amazing property. Five acres of more wild than tame landscaping—I had to literally break up with the property we lived on. The house was cussing rad—I had to break up with the house. He was an outdoorsman—a gem not that easy to find—I had to break-up with my free ticket to being outside in magical places, collecting nature’s treasures, every single week. I lived with three incredible working hunting dogs—I had to break up with the dogs… There were, of course, irreplaceable things about him in the relationship on the list, but I can’t find the list in my writings to share what they were (smirking to myself, that’s messed up). It appears I loved my life more than I loved my partner in the end. I mistook the life for the person.

The time had come for me to finally end the relationship for good and fully surrender all of it. That surrender allowed me to let go and therefore create space in my life and in my heart for more to come. I could be alone and create the life—the man didn’t create the life. Once the space became available, I began to build back for myself that which I was capable of creating. I bought a house, not as rad as his but it’s mine, and I remodeled it so that’s rad. I took myself to magical places and even found some birds to hunt without a dog. Then, I got a bird dog to hunt with who turned out to be the perfect hunting and perfect personality to match mine.

Then, as the lesson always goes… in walks my outdoorsman, with an incredible house, a sacred and holy property, and the heart and personality to match mine. The man didn’t create THE life, he completed the dream. And without my choosing, THE life I had built collided with the life I had dreamed of and my real, raw, rich surrender burst into the flames of destiny.

When coming up with the dream in your head of the perfect life for your future self. See it, feel it, smell it in all it’s perfection—then surrender it. Surrender and work on what you can. Reach the point of gut wrenching surrender where you grieve the loss and when the grieving within yourself has been satiated, you invite the very thing you surrendered into your life (or perhaps the thing you really needed all along). At that point, the lesson becomes patience and a test of your discipline in maintaining the authenticity of that surrender.

I’m just so so so lucky, and so so so grateful because I could still be patiently testing the authenticity of that surrender. But rather, I’m basking in the wonder that has come into my life.

. . .

I hope this story makes you think of some time in your life where you surrendered the NEED you once had to have and how that surrender invited in what you TRULY NEED in the end (or shall we call it the beginning). I’ll leave you with this: In the depths of my surrender from that past relationship, I wrote this…

I trust.

I trust hard, in humans, in circumstances, in the universe, and everything that happens.

I trust in people. I trust you to tell me the truth 99% of the time. I trust that you are doing the best you can. I trust that you do not wish to remain small. I trust that love and kindness are the greatest gifts that we give and receive as humans.

I trust that if you lied to me it is because you believe you must in that moment. I trust that if I lie to you it is because I believe I must in that moment. I trust the truth will be revealed in perfect timing.

I trust in circumstances. I trust I am meant to be right here. I trust I am meant to be doing this with the people I am doing it with. I trust that the people whose paths cross mine are there for me to notice. I trust that the things that I witness are meant for me to see.

I trust in the universe. I trust in energy. I trust in signs. I trust in a greater consciousness. I trust in the soul of the world. I trust that when I communicate with the universe, with the great consciousness and the soul of the world, that I am heard.

I trust in everything that happens. I trust that all I am not meant to do will not work out. I trust that all I am meant to do will work out in my favor and in perfect timing.

I trust. ~ June 18, 2020


Change Is Inevitable. Ride The Cussin Waves.


Patterns make order out of the chaos that arises in life. Sacred geometry reveals the patterns underneath the surface of all on Earth. Consciousness reveals the patterns within ourselves, within our habits, within our daily lives. We exist as an accumulation of patterns within and without.

An attention-rich life will allow you to see and to accept the patterns that exist in the world around you. An intention-rich life will allow you to gain control over the patterns that arise within your thoughts, words, and actions.

A pattern is a pattern because it repeats—the cycle comes back around over and over. Like a wave has crests and troughs. Like seasons continuously flow from one to the next. Like the life cycle of living beings.

Every little detail within your thoughts, words, and actions flows in this way. The more awareness you have of yourself, the more intention you put behind your thoughts, words, and actions, the more you come to understand and work the patterns that make you tick. If you can see, you can become aware. If you become aware, you can become intentional. If you become intentional, you can create. If you create, you can bear witness to the patterns and all that is possible.

Do you create your life or does your life create you? Ponder this. Make time to ponder this…

Are the circumstances within your life hindering you, depleting you, keeping you from happiness or holding you back? Or— Are the circumstances within your life revealing your inner truth to you daily? Do they present limitless enrichment and beauty for you to see? Do the circumstances of your life encourage you to grow?

Do you experience your emotions in a way that gracefully reveals to you the impact of what you’re going though? Do your emotions butt up against the people in your life or cause discomfort as well as conflicts within your relationships?

Does your connection to the spirit within you lead your way towards living with purpose, living with intention, living a creation of your own making for more than yourself, your family or your friends? Or — Does your disconnection from spirit create a bland existence for your life, void of purpose outside of providing for and being supportive of your family and friends. Does the spirit within guide you into the light, or do you live in the dark?

Seasons change year to year, waves change with the wind, your patterns change whether you mean to make them or not. Change is inevitable. Are you riding the waves of change to make shift happen or just letting it push you along as if it is all out of your control?

Change Is Inevitable. Ride The Cussin Waves.2022-12-27T23:24:16+00:00

the ON switch for your internal guidance system


if you’d rather listen to me read this, click here

your conscious awareness is the on switch for your internal guidance system. the more consciously aware of yourself you are, the more truth will be revealed within yourself. the more you intentionally align your thoughts, words, and actions into harmony with your personal truth, the more authentic you will find yourself to be.

depending on how consciously aware you are, you can make realizations about yourself seemingly every day. each day you live with those realizations from yesterday, you live with what you’ve learned of yourself in the past, and you live with the potential for you to learn more about yourself today.

think of all the ways you butt up against yourself each and every day. look at that habit you’ve formed out of convenience and look at how you know it doesn’t align with the conscious awareness you’ve put into the intention of who you aim to be, but change is overwhelming and hard. it’s easier to try not to think about the things that are not in alignment. it’s easier to ignore or to talk about how you need to change than to actually put effort into something different.

just knowing your behavior isn’t in alignment with whom you aim to be IS conscious awareness. knowing is a seed planted. it may take years for words and actions to follow suit, but knowing IS something. pay attention to what you know but choose not to speak of or act on. BUT not as a way of overwhelming yourself with all of the shortcomings within yourself that you wish to change. pay attention just to become familiar with the things that exist. notice what irks you the most about yourself. become more consciously aware of what rises to the surface needing your attention sooner than later.

many people die here never moving further along the path of growth and awakening. knowing is the foundation for knowledge, but knowing is not enough to power awakening. to live long and all-but-prosper in your knowing, prolong this leg of the journey by ignoring the thing you know. stuff down that information like it doesn’t exist. numb your feelings of betraying yourself and you may solve your problem of knowing too much—until you sober back up and feel your truth again. the bottom line is, you can’t escape knowing. you can learn to live with it, but you cannot un-know.

moving along the inevitable path after coming to know the thing… at some point, you will speak of the thing. you will speak of the observations you’ve made, of what you have become consciously aware of in yourself, and then you will speak of your intentions moving forward, but you’re actions have yet to fall inline. this, speaking about intentions is absolutely necessary to enable growth and awakening as it establishes your aim OUT LOUD and enables someone to hold you accountable for yourself.

this stage of speaking your intentions without acting on them can drive you to act now, OR can last for a very very long time. some people even get stuck here. the idea-man perpetually lives here. look closely at the aims you speak of and for how long you’ve had that particular aim. no amount of time to aim without action is good or bad, right or wrong, just look at what is, and become more consciously aware. perhaps you’ll come to hear yourself sounding like a broken record and that simple annoyance of your own behavior can fuel your engines to get a move on.

cognitive thinking and clear communication are the foundation of your awakening but when your behavior does not match the vibration of what’s within, there will be conflict, a major obstacle keeping you from becoming whom you intend to be. stay here too long and you will make yourself sick.

the place of ultimate embodiment, the hands-down, most effective way of becoming you—authenticity at it’s purest—arises when what you think, what you say, and how you behave align. from your first realization to manifesting a revised self into reality, when you are fully you—you will find you are fully submerged in the process of becoming—the journey of awakening.

to be a student in search of who you are right now is the souls journey, the journey of the consciousness—it is the point of being human. reveal from the depths of yourself more than light, love, and joy. see the unseen in your own darkness, explore the depths of your own experiences with suffering and become more authentically you by feeling the full spectrum of your experience from love to fear, joy to pain, and all that lies between.

awaken, human, to the truth of who you are and how you came to be here. live your story, witness your existence, and reveal all that is beautiful

the ON switch for your internal guidance system2022-04-24T15:01:47+00:00

beauty & chaos


if you’d rather listen to me read this, click here.

nature. it is the most beautiful chaos you’ve ever witnessed. she’s why we come here, get in these meat suits and do this jig. somehow, the enjoyment of her beauty outweighs the pain of her chaos.

[well… that’s a matter of perspective, i’m certain many cannot see it that way.]

humans are nature. human nature is wild, unpredictable — chaos. you are capable of playing a wildcard at any moment on any day. regardless of how predictably robotic you have become, you are still a wild human and capable of giving a surprise bite.

human nature is also aligning your vibe to go with the tribe — there is beauty in the order, there is safety in the predictability, and support in the deeply rooted human connection.

however, the more humans in a tribe, the more rules put in place to follow, the more expectations, obligations, and social norms — the bigger the bull and the smaller the china shop.

in addition to governing rules, there are unwritten social rules between two people. rules are established as the relationship grows, as unwritten expectations are not met, as we learn and unlearn about each other and ourselves. every relationship between two people has a list of these unwritten rules. and one list does not apply well to everyone.

inevitably, with all these rules, expectations, and obligations chaos will ensue. humans cannot meet all rules, expectations, and obligations. one wild human, no matter how closely connected to another wild human, will act in a wildly human way and it will surprise and disappoint the other.

an unconscious human, is pissed to have to eat disappointment soup while a conscious human, smells, tastes, and swallows the soup taking in what went into it and how it was made for future reference.

in really big tribes, all the governing rules and social norms can really help life run smoothly within the masses. but . . . chaos remember . . . governing rules and social norms can also push hard up against our wild human nature and mass chaos is the result. not all animals do well in cages. we all have the capacity for our wild nature to rise up and push back.

the human gift is our consciousness. we can use our consciousness to make order of things, even to make order of chaos. but . . . consciousness is like a cup you fill up over time. the more you become aware of, the more the cup fills. but this isn’t like the heart cup that fills up when you are experiencing something soulful. this is not the kind of cup that can overflow. this cup is mostly empty, for most people, most of the time.

a conscious human sees this life as a beautifully-wild adventure guided by free-will. an unconscious human is the victim, taken against his or her will, dropped into the hunger games arena, and is now being forced to play survival of the luckiest, cleverest, and fittest.

consciousness collects knowledge, collects dots, then by connecting dots we make order. knowledge is order. connection is order.

what is the root of order for wild humans? words. words create order. words bring order to the conscious knowledge in your mind. and when those words are received by someone, dots are connected, and more thoughts and words spring up growing from the conscious connection and sharing of words.

one difficulty for wild humans is, having feelings and emotions makes creating order — or finding words — very difficult. sometimes the words fly out like bats exiting a cave, but more often than not, for most people, words get bound up within, buried beneath every thought and emotion that have yet to be processed into conscious order — your own personal landfill of thoughts, feelings and emotions left for your unconscious mind to stew in.

i find that making time to write keeps me processing things. i will journal, write letters i never intend to share, and write letters i fully intend on sharing. i write down quotes i like and write what comes to mind about the quote at the time. the more i write the more i open and reopen doors enabling me to fill up my consciousness cup. if you write it, you can come back and read it. you can stand upon it and either grow from there or write about it again to lay a thicker foundation down over a rocky start.

you are — your mind, your being, your body — you are landscapes, infinite landscapes. your consciousness cannot see all of you, you are too vast, too overwhelming, too beautiful for a single consciousness to take in 🙂 — but if you share your story, share your wildness, and those words are received, a deeper connection is made. the more connections, the more you fill your consciousness cup with what you have learned and stand upon.

however, not all words enable connection. not all words will resonate between beings. free-will to create and share words opens the door to chaos, but consciousness gives rise to acceptance and a conscious mind is capable of taking nature into consideration to accept disagreements or differing perspectives.

nature is the beauty and the chaos that lives in vast landscapes. consciousness makes order of this experience so that you live on to bear witness to more beauty, and more chaos. and the more you fill your consciousness cup, the easier it will be to understand nature — that somehow, the enjoyment of her beauty outweighs the pain of her chaos.

beauty & chaos2022-04-24T14:56:54+00:00

what if jesus was just a human?


What if Jesus was just human?

First time I started asking this question I was a brand new yoga teacher at the bottom of the totem pole at this power Vinyasa yoga studio. They barely let me sub because I taught differently and it was never “enough“ to meet their expectations.

It was this exact week of the year and no other teacher was volunteering to teach on Christmas Eve. There’s only one class that day, so it’s generally full and I knew it was going to be. I was new, and I was not trusted to do what people would expect. I wanted to do this job so that I could blend in and start earning a better reputation.

Well… A tiger can’t change his stripes. It was the day before Christmas Eve and I was thinking what kind of message i could I begin the practice with. I’m not religious and my opinion is that Christmas is an altogether funny holiday sooo i really didn’t have anything to go off of.

I thought about the point of Christmas: to celebrate the birth of Jesus. Then I thought, OK well who is Jesus? He’s a human. He lived a long time ago. He thought differently than a lot of people. He was loving, compassionate and accepting. He was called to serve humankind. He was called to share what he experienced, what was true to him. He had no choice but to stand in the face of powerful opposition to deliver his messages. He was loved. He was hated. He was adored, but he was also feared. He stirred the pot. Stood firm on his own two feet. He did not fear death. He did not fear truth. His life is the story we share. His story is one possibility for a human life. His story is not so different from mine. His story is not so different from yours.

I realized that even though I did not find myself religious, or a believer in the god that was personified in the Bible, I believe in the power of one human when he is fully connected to the source of his consciousness. I believe there is some truth behind the outrageous stories of miracles. I also believe the stories have been elaborated upon to make sure they were heard and shared.

I believe one single person can impact millions without even needing social media to do it. I believe we are all faced with the hero’s journey and that Jesus‘s story was one possible outcome as we all face our own life-long path to freedom.

So, I had this thought about who Jesus was and I felt good about what i was thinking. I went in to teach this Christmas Eve class with this simple idea that Jesus was just a man—one possible man. I got everyone set up in child’s pose. I asked them if among the holiday chaos they remembered what this day is in celebration of. I explained how this day is to celebrate the birth of a human. And then I asked, what if Jesus was just a man and nothing more. What if it’s less important to worship him and more important to learn the power of one man’s story, one man’s existence, one man’s example.

Regardless of how clever I thought I was in my new understanding of who Jesus is, this room full of mostly Catholic, very Catholic, wealthy women did not see the beautiful image I had painted in my head prior to speaking those words at the beginning of their Christmas Eve yoga class.

I proceeded to explain how we sit on the same pedestal as Jesus because Jesus was just a man. That we have the same powers that he did. That he is not more special than we are, because he is our equal. He is no more magical, no more able or capable than we are right now. We should be celebrating ourselves!

In my mind, I’m blowing their minds with this new idea. In their mind, I am seriously insulting their faith. I said a few more things about creating power in your life and how this day should represent the impact of one possible human. Let him motivate us to live our own highest visions of what is possible. And ended with something about how dumb Santa and presents are as if we need an excuse for family get together‘s to connect and lift each other up.

How I am explaining it to you now, is nothing like the words that came out of my mouth that day. They were simpler, nondescript and incomplete. These people did not have the backstory full of exploration that went on in my head. All they had was one hot power Vinyasa class on this day and this was it.

We moved on from there. The rest of the class went ok. I didn’t feel like i proved a damn thing. And at the end, people just quietly left without saying a word to me.

Not long after class was over I received a call from the furious owner of the studio asking what the hell I had said to offend so many people. I said I talked about how Jesus was just a human and how we don’t have to put him on a pedestal because we can attain the same power in our lives to become his equal. She’s all “what?!” Our community is very serious about their faith. You can’t just go and say things like that, it’s offensive.” She knew it was an innocent fuck up, but needless to say she did not allow me to sub power for over a year after that 😆

Merry Christmas and don’t forget what tomorrow is really about — Santa and presents and eating like a glutton. See y’all on the other side.

what if jesus was just a human?2020-12-25T17:00:27+00:00

The Life Of A Word : Part 2


about a month ago i wrote about how words can be given life by the thoughts and energy you put behind the word. in the same way, words can become lifeless by a shift in your thoughts and feelings that change the energy behind a word.

when i wrote the story about the word shame (here it is if you missed it), i mentioned how i would be telling 3 stories about the life of a word. here is the second…

growing up, i spent all my summers and christmases in louisiana with my brother and 3 cousins, all boys. my uncle would take the boys hunting and fishing while i would stay behind with my aunt. at first, because i LOVE my aunt, i was excited that she wanted to spend time with me all to herself buuuuut, eventually i realized what the boys were doing without me.

for years, i begged them to take me with them, but for years i was never invited. i do recall a couple of fishing trips i got to tag along on but no hunting and i was so deeply disappointed about it.

fast forward almost 30 years and i get into a relationship with a guy who hunts and fishes in louisiana, just like my family, but he takes me with him 🙂 dream come true. i absolutely LOVE being a tag along while he hunts and fishes. it’s simply the best.

so i’m with this guy and i hunt with him and i watch his bird dog, Gypsy, hunting with him but mostly hunting FOR him. it’s so effing cool. this dog is hard wired to find the birds for her human to shoot, then find them once they’ve fallen, and retrieve them back to her human. this right here, is what this wildly energetic dog lives for. and she wants to repeat this process for eternity until you interrupt her by forcing her to drink water or by putting her back in the truck to go home.

after watching them do their thing together over and over i just had to have my own dog to do this for me! voodoo was 11 and not interested sooooo i got a puppy! he was an 8 week old english setter. white with a black head and black polka dots all over his body that they call “ticking”.

i hadn’t had a puppy in 11 years. he was perfection. he was sweet and cuddly as can be, showed me as much affection as i showed him, and when the time came, an EXCELLENT bird dog. his name was Hickory. he was brett and i’s first pup we raised together, and he was extremely special to both of us.

Hickory grew up staying on point (literally and figuratively) with his bird dog instincts and was a beauty and a blast to hunt with. not long after Hicks, Brett got a new pup he named Gus. Gus is a bigger dog and has a extra wild streak in him unlike the others.

of the three dogs, there was a clear favorite. Hickory was it. he had grace and spunk and more energy than the energizer bunny. he was great at holding steady points on birds, he was extremely obedient in the field, and he was Brett’s favorite dog to hunt with whether he admits it or not.

both of us had become extremely attached. even though i hate to admit the truth about how Brett did all the training so Hickory really hunted for him and not me, i still insisted that no matter their relationship, he was always MY dog, and brett insisted the opposite.

if you read the first part of this story about shame, you’d know that brett and i went through an extremely rocky and difficult time in our relationship between last year and this one. during this difficult time, thoughts of separating were on our minds but one thing that kept us tied together was that neither of us could bare the pain of losing Hicks. neither of us could stand to be separated from him. when only strings held us together, unknowingly Hickory was one of them.

if i heard the word Hickory, i had an instant smile, if not on the outside, on the inside for sure. only fondness existed when he came to mind. i especially enjoyed observing him move. he would leap around the yard, over fences, over dogs, or mostly over nothing but air like a little gazelle or antelope just really excited and hoppy.

so as you can see, the word hickory was pure light for me—that is, until he unexpectedly died in January. then things shifted, the light dimmed and the energy that existed when i heard the word hickory was dark, heavy, sinking and trying to pull me down with it. the vision that came to mind wasn’t of leaping hickory, it was of how he looked the last time i saw him—dead with his tongue hanging out.

our hickory thread was broken and our hearts were painfully broken, but miraculously, those broken hearts, broke us open and broke us into our relationship. the threads binding us together rerooted themselves as we dug deeper within ourselves. our new roots grew from our courage to get clear and be honest about our own truth and our own pain.

i believe the threads that connect us to others are made up of two strings, one from each of us, that spiral and bind together to make the whole thread. i believe the strongest of the last few threads between Brett and i was made up of all that we had held back from each other, all we didn’t say, all we didn’t do, all we didn’t appreciate and all we took for granted.

i entered into this relationship wearing my past experiences on my sleeve. i’m not saying that was right or wrong, just saying, the closing wounds and thoughts from my last relationships were still at the forefront of my mind and clouding my ability to see clear, to truly be clear and to be honest with myself and him. regardless, we are where we are, i can see more clearly than i could before, and it feels liberating to not hold anything back.

it came to the point where the fear of us separating was less than the fear of my not being my true authentic and honest self with him. ever since then, we’ve both been getting really honest and it has helped nurture the bond between us.

rewind to february—just a couple short weeks after hickory had died, i swooped up another puppy. voodoo had died the previous year, and although “we” had two more dogs, i felt like i didn’t have a dog anymore, and the thought of being dog-less felt unbearable during this tough time in my life.

the new pup’s name is Boggs and he is also an english setter. he is not very loving and cuddly, he does not leap all cute like a gazelle, and even though i adore him, he has very little interest in getting attention from me unless it involves food. he is a completely different kind of dog and a completely different teacher.

when we first got Boggs, and i would think about Hickory, i’d feel guilt and sadness. as much as i liked boggs, i’d compare him to hickory and get even more sad about losing my favorite little buddy. but, many months later, now that boggs is bigger and acting more like an adult setter, he reminds me of Hickory a lot and things have changed. the more Boggs acts like Hicks, barks like Hicks, hops like Hicks and so on, the more i smile remembering my lil buddy.

the more thoughts of Hickory that come to mind and the more i smile remembering him, the more life and vitality the word Hickory has to me.

time, patience, and love change everything. EVERYTHING. the life of “hickory” has been revived for me. in fact, that lil shit Boggs is outside barking right now and he sounds just like Hickory did. only problem now is, i keep wanting to call him Hicks…



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The Life Of A Word : Part 22019-11-10T13:44:51+00:00

It’s Happening And You Cannot Stop It.


It’s happening and you cannot stop it. Life will challenge you and you cannot escape.

I just sat down to write but I don’t have a plan of what to write. Finding—no scratch that—MAKING the time to sit down and write is by far the hardest part of writing for me.

But now, I’m sitting pretty because the hardest part is out of the way. Ok, what to write… Since I don’t have a clear vision of what i want to write, i’ll explain how i start. I use writing as a way to assess the state I’m in, to figure out what’s going on inside me, or to figure out what’s got my panties in a bunch. Regardless of what I am after, I just start with a simple question. This simple question opens the door for me to explore.

So what will the question be today? I don’t know, but i want to write about my insides, hmmmm. I’ll start with…

Why do you want to write about “your insides”?

Because lately, they’ve been quite interesting. There is a lot going on in my small world, including a lot going on in the lives of people close to me and when I watch people face challenges in their own lives, I become more and more intrigued by mankind.

No two people are the same, but our similarities with each other are everything.

It’s interesting how many people I’ve witnessed wanting so badly to be different, for their lives or circumstances to be unlike anyone else’s, so that they can insist on feeling as if it’s too hard for anyone to understand them.

Yet, at the root of that thought that keeps being repeated for them “I’m unlike any other so it’s too hard for anyone to understand me” is a screaming, crying human begging the world to see and understand them.

I’ve witnessed time and time again people putting up an arm, like a sword, to keep people from getting closer, to keep people from being able to truly see the real person beneath the armor. Many people do this, my friends do this, shit i do this.

I see this as a form of self-destruction, self-sabotage, self-mutilation and self-harm. But I don’t see this as WRONG, i see this as HUMAN and i see it as necessary. Fear convinces us that we are alone, that we are too far out for anyone to understand us, and that it’s better to just keep to ourselves and keep our shit to ourselves.

If you keep to yourself (keep your armor on) you don’t get your shit (your blood) on anybody and nobody gets their shit on you. Except that’s not true. Your shit IS you. It surrounds you. It exudes from you. It gets on everything you touch and seeps into every space you occupy.

If you think it’s better to keep your shit to yourself so that it doesn’t affect other people, you are delusional. Your shit is already affecting other people. YOU affect other people. Until your death, you can’t escape the world or it’s people. No matter how much you keep to yourself, know that your skin does not contain the mess within. You spill out into the world and onto people whether you mean to or not.

Take responsibility for your shit and everything you are going through. Work to heal your wounds by letting them breathe, by sharing your battle stories, by letting people see the real wounded human that you are. We cannot learn to understand the armored soldier who’s ready to fight. We can’t see his face, to see the pain. We never see his eyes, therefore we never see his soul.

The ironic thing about keeping our swords up, and our armor on is that the weight gets exhausting, the wounds stay wrapped up tight festering and the arm holding the sword has no strength left to wield it. Sure the armor keeps you together and the sword protects you from people getting too close but now you are weak, and you can barely defend yourself.

Taking off the armor is like setting down a weight, plus it lets the wounds breathe and heal. Putting our swords down enables us to take a break, to gain some strength back, and to use the arm for other things—like reaching out, instead of keeping everyone out.

My writing all of this started by acknowledging that people all around me are facing some tough situations. Challenging, tough situations stress us, wound us, and reveal the deepest, darkest things within us. Fear and pain thrive in stress, in wounds, and in darkness. It’s the tough and challenging times that bring up the toughest, most challenging things that exist inside us.

So what the cuss do you do when the tough and challenging time is upon you? You accept it. You accept that you are scared, that you are wounded and in pain. The only other thing to do is, deny it, suit up in your armor, and pick up your sword. But why do that? Are you going into battle?

You can battle through this or you can live through this. When you battle through, you fight. When you fight, you fight to win. But what does it mean for you to win here? You cannot win life.

You also cannot win against fear or pain because they are not your contenders. Fear and pain are your teachers. Rather than battle through, live through this and learn from each and every teacher that appears along the way.

Whether you win this battle or live through this hard time, you will not get out of being human alive. And when you die, you go alone, with all that stuff you’ve kept inside you. You can go with fear and pain scaring you all the way to death, or go with love and acceptance for the life you lived and learned from.

It’s Happening And You Cannot Stop It.2019-11-10T13:53:05+00:00

The Life Of A Word


all the words you know, have life because you breathe life into them. if a word causes you to feel something, it’s because you give the word a meaning to feel. i want to tell you three stories about three words i’ve had this experience with: shame, hickory and mallard.

I’m using these 3 stories as a way to share with you what i’ve been learning and experiencing over the last year and to make my way back to sharing with you, to connecting with you and to honor the deepest desires of my own heart—to live my human life boldly, out loud, and unapologetically as a perfectly, imperfect human doing the best she can while she’s still here.

all 3 stories end with the same note. this is the first of the three stories…

last year, i started feeling really frustrated, unsettled and uneasy in my relationship with my partner. we both knew it was happening, but neither of us knew how to make a move, make a shift, make a change, we just knew individually that we weren’t happy and thus we sat in the pile of our own mess we didn’t know how to clean up or move out of.

after months of this, i (subconsciously) came up with a way to move things that ended up sweeping our feet out from under us. i went against everything i’ve ever practiced, believed in, or stood for and for an entire month, I engaged in infidelity.

at the time, i truly and selfishly believed that what i was doing was exactly what i needed, exactly what i wanted, and it was pretty much inevitable with the way my relationship was going — but my feeling that way, was me convincing myself that I was owning my behavior and therefore OK with it. the more i convinced myself i deserved this time, the more at ease with it i became.

but underneath it all, i was never ok with it, i just wanted to be ok with it so that’s how i behaved.

when the month was over the storm began. NOTHING was ok. my partner wasn’t ok, i wasn’t ok, and our world was turned upside-down by my actions. i was upside-down with my head neck deep in shame, in disgust and in disbelief of what i had done and how much i had destroyed.

i had shattered his trust in me. i’ve never done anything like that with someone. I’m an honest person. i don’t hurt people. i don’t give people a reason not to trust me. i preach the importance of listening to and living through the truth of our own hearts — but my month of behavior turned against all of this.

i turned against myself — and this is how i gave shame a strong and powerful presence in my life for the months to come. this is how i gave life to the word “shame”.

in case you are unfamiliar with an experience like this (and god i hope you are), when partners decide to stay together and attempt to “work things out” after something like this, there is A LOT of talking.

talking means owning things and at this point, owning even the smallest true bit of my behavior brought on the biggest shame storm cloud. so, every single conversation (and there were waaaay too many to count), every single time i had the courage to own even a spec of this story, i would sit in the downpour of my own shame for days or sometimes weeks at a time.

i’ve never been that sad in all of my life. i was shocked to realize that the person that could make me feel the worst, was me, and me alone.

my extreme sadness and shame was a direct result of the pain i caused my partner. it felt impossible to bare the truth that I — as the honest & authentic person i thought myself to be — made conscious decisions that caused my partner to be unable to trust me. conscious decisions that caused the loss of my own integrity.

living in my own pit of despair, this was a regular conversation i had with myself

“why are you here? what’s keeping you here?”

“ugh, i’m just so, so, so fucking sad, i can’t shake it.”


“shame. i am absolutely disgusted with myself. i’ve never felt this ashamed in all my life”

“alright. shame then. if this is me now, what can i learn from all of this shame and sadness?”


– breaking the trust someone has in me is how my shame is conceived.

– the dishonesty that comes from lying to myself or someone else is shame’s life force.

– shame can arrive the size of a pea, and grow to the size of a boulder.

– shame is a reaction to myself when my behavior doesn’t align with my heart and soul.

– shame cannot coexist with acceptance, understanding and forgiveness.

– if i hide from shame, it attaches to my back and the weight drags me down but if i own my shame, if i pick it up and choose to carry it, it becomes lighter as i become stronger.

– acting out of alignment with my heart & soul causes me physical illness

After about 6 months of apprenticing shame, I had learned all that shame was able to teach me—this time. And after those six months, i had a better understanding of the life of shame. in that time, i actually befriended shame like an imaginary friend. i gave shame life by experiencing it, by feeling it and living it.

But in the end, i also took life away from shame. i became so familiar with how shame lives, all it’s habits, all it’s fears and i began to put myself face-to-face with all the little nuances that gave shame life. Through this process, I began to evict shame from my temple.

Today, shame is just a memory. It’s no longer a living, breathing entity in my life. I breathed life into shame, and then i sucked the life right out of it.

Shame, just like ‘love’, and just like ‘god’, is a word only you can breathe life into. And when you don’t need shame in your life any longer, it’s a word you can suck the life right back out of.


i’ve come to realize my life is not for getting better and better and better until i am the best i can be. it’s about learning, it’s about growing, and it’s about perpetuating the process. as i rise to higher levels of consciousness, of awareness, of understanding, no matter how seemingly ugly the experiences that got me there are, i must share what it’s like to be this human.

when i open up and share the truth about my struggles, my challenges, my failures, and my shame accompanied by my lessons, my understanding, my influence, my successes and my aim — those who see me, see themselves in me, see what’s possible in their own lives or come to a better understanding of how it may be for other people they know.

Either way, every single time i connect with you, learn about you, understand or support you, WE become stronger. my life isn’t about ME becoming stronger, my life is about US all rising together.

…and so is yours…

with so much love, and so much truth, i appreciate you being here with me, Veazey

The Life Of A Word2019-11-10T13:53:54+00:00

What’s Possible Is Part Of An Infinity Of Maybes.


now is real. what’s possible is part of an infinity of maybes. maybes are thoughts in your head — not real, unlike the tangible, sensable experience you’re having right now — which is as real as it gets.

moves that must be made right now, to respond to the current stimuli and situation are you acting in the present. this is you being.

you don’t get to BE in the past or in the future. the only place you get to be is here and now. but in your head, there are infinite possibilities and therefore infinite moves to be made to get from where you are here and now, to the imaginary illusion in your head.

but the imaginary illusion in your head, is part of an infinity of maybes. so if we’re being real, pretty much every maybe, every imaginary situation in your head isn’t even likely at all.

you guide the future, through your actions in the present. but, just like every imaginary situation in your head isn’t even likely at all, your actions control a microscopic amount of what actually occurs in the future.

on one level, you are mighty and powerful, on another level, you’re dust. your thoughts words and actions are extremely significant, yet completely virtually invisible to the beings on earth.

i like to think, your future belongs to what you put your mind to.
within life on earth, beauty surrounds you, because as a living being, the beauty you experience is tied and connected to your life. you cannot separate yourself from this world. as a living being of earth, you sense beauty, observe beautiful things, and feel beauty as an experience in your body.

beauty /ˈbyo͞odē/
noun. a combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses or the intellect.

to witness beauty, is to be conscious of this present moment, right now. you might create something beautiful in your mind, but you cannot witness true beauty within the confines of your head.

i think when you are unable to see beauty right in front of you, or have lost sight of it, then there is nothing to keep you here, present, paying attention to right now. if the lenses you see your life through do not detect things that please your senses or intellect, there’s nothing to draw you in. therefore, the thoughts in your mind draw you in as they are infinite, always changing, and many to toss around.

when you spend all your time in your head, attending to illusions, you cannot see what’s actually going on around you, you cannot see the beauty surrounding you. if you cannot see the truth, then your reactions, or responses, to the world around you will not align with what is true. your actions will align with the illusions you pay attention to in your head.

if your thoughts words and actions align better with the infinite possible maybes in your head than they do with the real beautiful world surrounding you, you are headed down a road of sadness, self-sabotage and loneliness.

let the truth and the beauty of this world have you. let what is happening right now guide your thoughts, words and actions. pay closer attention to the true beauty in every little thing and much less attention to the endless delusions in your own mind.

be a human being or you’ll miss out entirely on the beauty of this life.

What’s Possible Is Part Of An Infinity Of Maybes.2019-11-10T14:00:25+00:00

Keep An Open Mind, And Be Here


we’re just about halfway through yoga teacher training. it’s incredible how people change, shift, face their fears and grow. it’s more than incredible, it’s … there are no words … but no doubt this journey is changing my life. i will never forget this moment. guiding 11 people through the transition from yoga students to yoga teachers, is wonderfully illuminating, like beautiful soul magic. they are all so incredible. they blow my mind. they bring me to tears. they are really doing the work—and they are doing it under pressure. this course spans over 15 weeks and we are at the 10-week mark.

needless to say, i feel emotional, empowered, confident, impressed, excited and just plain stoked.

because i spend so much time guiding, coaching and teaching them as they go through all of this work, it feels NECESSARY that i stay on top of my own game, walking the walk as i talk the talk. i’ll be honest with you, i’ve been working through A LOT.

over the last 6 months i’ve been digging so cussing DEEP it pulls the breath out of me. in every aspect of my life, i’m asking myself, “what do you want?” i know that if i don’t like where i am, i get to make new choices about where i’m going, but first, i have to know where i want to go if i want to see whether or not i’m choosing what i want.

some parts of my life feel good and solid and certain while others are unsettled, in motion and not completely in my control. there are things i just don’t know how to address, things left out of sync, and things that still need my attention but i’m ignoring them because i don’t know what to do.

my future is very uncertain but i’m not especially concerned with it. i want to dig into this moment right now. just by taking the time to get more and more familiar with me, with my heart’s desires and what i REALLY want, i’ve been experiencing a lot emotionally, physically and spiritually. i’ve been recoiling, expanding, writing, sharing, hurting, healing, and curiously through it all, nurturing, thriving, and growing.

today, one of the students in my yoga teacher training taught the first half of an hour-long class for the first time. she fucking nailed it. she opened the class with the usual breathing, listening, mind/body connecting like we always do and right before we started to move she said:

“keep an open mind, and be here” — sometimes the universe tells people to say exactly what you need to hear. i needed to hear that as a reminder to set my focus on what’s happening in my body on my mat today and i needed that as a reminder to set my focus on what’s happening in my life right now.

part of the work i’ve been putting into myself has included breaking my habit of dreaming of something better than what i have. i’m constantly bringing myself back to the present moment and digging into emotions, feelings, and things happening right now that make me want to look away and dream of something better. i want to know why i insist on wishing, hoping, and dreaming of something better when i have more than enough power over my life to make different choices to work towards balance in the things i lack.

i want to listen to what my heart has to say, i want to put my finger on what i know to be true and mark it down for me to review. all i really want to do is “keep an open mind, and be here”. this is my work. at times, it seems this work will challenge me forever, but today, when she said that, the never-ending work became infinitely worth every hard lesson and challenge.

when i “keep an open mind, and be here”, the absolute truth is: life is good, life is precious, life is a gift—even when i pretend it’s not.

Keep An Open Mind, And Be Here2019-11-10T14:03:14+00:00
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