I keep looking at my girl Talulah-Jane and thinking “I am so lucky”. I repeat it, I take it in, I am so so so grateful to have this child. I’m recognizing that I am infinitely grateful because this is something I wished for for so long that I had given up. I fully surrendered to the truth that my deepest desire to have children would not come to be. I fully explored this reality and what I would use that generative energy for if not to have children. I no longer spent time wishing, hoping, praying, or grasping at smoke. I looked to my future and I said to myself “I’m going to give greatly of myself to this Earth, that which I would have given to a child.”
What a great lesson to want something so badly for so long that the only way to heal the ache in your heart caused by it’s absence was to fill the emptiness with raw, real, rich surrender. And then it just so happened upon that surrender, the very thing you wanted so badly for so long is gifted to you. This is a lesson I’ve learned over and over in my life. However, I’m not always gifted what I wished for, I’m often gifted what I needed instead.
In my last relationship I loved so many things that came with that relationship I had to break up with those things as much as I had to break up with him. I made a list of everything I didn’t want to lose that came with the relationship. Then I separated it all into two lists. One list was things I could create for myself, and the other list was the irreplaceable things I would lose if it ended. When I moved to Kansas with him he bought this amazing property. Five acres of more wild than tame landscaping—I had to literally break up with the property we lived on. The house was cussing rad—I had to break up with the house. He was an outdoorsman—a gem not that easy to find—I had to break-up with my free ticket to being outside in magical places, collecting nature’s treasures, every single week. I lived with three incredible working hunting dogs—I had to break up with the dogs… There were, of course, irreplaceable things about him in the relationship on the list, but I can’t find the list in my writings to share what they were (smirking to myself, that’s messed up). It appears I loved my life more than I loved my partner in the end. I mistook the life for the person.
The time had come for me to finally end the relationship for good and fully surrender all of it. That surrender allowed me to let go and therefore create space in my life and in my heart for more to come. I could be alone and create the life—the man didn’t create the life. Once the space became available, I began to build back for myself that which I was capable of creating. I bought a house, not as rad as his but it’s mine, and I remodeled it so that’s rad. I took myself to magical places and even found some birds to hunt without a dog. Then, I got a bird dog to hunt with who turned out to be the perfect hunting and perfect personality to match mine.
Then, as the lesson always goes… in walks my outdoorsman, with an incredible house, a sacred and holy property, and the heart and personality to match mine. The man didn’t create THE life, he completed the dream. And without my choosing, THE life I had built collided with the life I had dreamed of and my real, raw, rich surrender burst into the flames of destiny.
When coming up with the dream in your head of the perfect life for your future self. See it, feel it, smell it in all it’s perfection—then surrender it. Surrender and work on what you can. Reach the point of gut wrenching surrender where you grieve the loss and when the grieving within yourself has been satiated, you invite the very thing you surrendered into your life (or perhaps the thing you really needed all along). At that point, the lesson becomes patience and a test of your discipline in maintaining the authenticity of that surrender.
I’m just so so so lucky, and so so so grateful because I could still be patiently testing the authenticity of that surrender. But rather, I’m basking in the wonder that has come into my life.
. . .
I hope this story makes you think of some time in your life where you surrendered the NEED you once had to have and how that surrender invited in what you TRULY NEED in the end (or shall we call it the beginning). I’ll leave you with this: In the depths of my surrender from that past relationship, I wrote this…
I trust.
I trust hard, in humans, in circumstances, in the universe, and everything that happens.
I trust in people. I trust you to tell me the truth 99% of the time. I trust that you are doing the best you can. I trust that you do not wish to remain small. I trust that love and kindness are the greatest gifts that we give and receive as humans.
I trust that if you lied to me it is because you believe you must in that moment. I trust that if I lie to you it is because I believe I must in that moment. I trust the truth will be revealed in perfect timing.
I trust in circumstances. I trust I am meant to be right here. I trust I am meant to be doing this with the people I am doing it with. I trust that the people whose paths cross mine are there for me to notice. I trust that the things that I witness are meant for me to see.
I trust in the universe. I trust in energy. I trust in signs. I trust in a greater consciousness. I trust in the soul of the world. I trust that when I communicate with the universe, with the great consciousness and the soul of the world, that I am heard.
I trust in everything that happens. I trust that all I am not meant to do will not work out. I trust that all I am meant to do will work out in my favor and in perfect timing.
I trust. ~ June 18, 2020