Ruta Skadi


some of the most powerful words i’ve ever read came from a book titled ‘The Subtle Knife’. this is actually the second book in the ‘His Dark Materials’ trilogy i mentioned in my last email about the pendulum. this is the line . . .

“Ruta Skadi lived so brilliantly in her nerves that she set up a responding thrill in the nerves of anyone close by.”

upon reading these words, i tattooed them onto my heart. let me just start with the first part she “lived so brilliantly in her nerves”. nerves are how we sense, they are the system from which we exhibit sensitivity. and important to note, to be a functioning nerve, you have to be connected to the brain—nerves are a necessary part of the whole.

imagine what it’s like, for you personally, to be human. think about all the stuff your brain does, is doing right now, and all that it’s capable of. to be human, you have to be able to juggle everything at once. and with our hyper-convenient, civilized society, there can be A LOT to juggle. how well your nervous system is functioning has probably never even crossed your mind, and if it has, it’s more than likely not something you think about often.

try to wrap your mind around what the nervous system sorta looks like. your spinal cord stems from your brain down your body with branches from the spine reaching out through your limbs. many nerves end at your skin. your nerves also surround your internal organs, sense your muscles and your bones. think about how you can feel just about any touch to your skin, you can feel pain in your belly, a sprained ankle, how you can feel everything across your entire body. your nerves pick up on everything that you experience and send a notification to your brain. your nerves are the internal communication system of your entire body.

Copyright has expired on this artwork. From my own archives, digitally restored.

and ALL of your nerves stem back to your brain—which contains, your mind, the conscious part of your brain. your mind holds so much power if your mind thinks you are sick, your body can become sick via the command of the mind.

therefore, the sensitivity of your nerves is directly connected to your mind as well. therefore, if you don’t think about your nervous system, or challenge it, or activate it, your mind will not be as strongly connected to your nerves as it would be had you a daily practice of challenging, activating, and charging up your nervous system.

pranayama (breathing exercises) and kundalini (which includes many breathing exercises) have given me unforgettable experiences revealing to me the power of the nervous system. going through kundalini teacher training left me uncomfortably raw and sensitive beyond measure.

something i’ve experienced, that cannot be seen or proven, is receptivity beyond my skin. it is absolutely clear to me that this “further reach beyond my skin” is absolutely happening and it seems to communicate through my nervous system. if you’ve ever read or watched spiderman, think “spidey sense”.

coming back to the quote, “Ruta Skadi lived so brilliantly in her nerves that she set up a responding thrill in the nerves of anyone close by.” not only does she live fully into her own nerves, she lives and exists beyond herself, beyond her fingertips. she not only gives to, but receives from, the space around her. she has the power to reach well beyond herself as if her nerves are antenna to extend her own senses—to extend her reach into the air and into the ether.

when i read this for the first time years ago, i knew nothing about my own body, nothing of my nerves, the words just struck me and have never left me since. now however, just now as i was reminded of these words the other day, i see ruta skadi (she’s a good witch by the way) is, and always was, my aim.

— to fully live into my mind & body. feeling, healing, & continuously connecting.
— to live brilliantly within my mind and body via curiosity, compassion & love.
— to insight thrill within myself and therefore within others to live and breathe and bear witness to the magic of being alive.

this fire, this flame, has existed in me for as long as i can remember. makes me wonder if you wonder, or if you know, what burns inside of you? does this? does something else? what’s your heart-fire fueled by? you don’t have to answer unless you want to, I just wanted to make sure you took some time to inquire within you.

Ruta Skadi2022-04-24T14:49:37+00:00

The Pendulum


i know this is a little long, but if you hang in there, it gets really interesting…

we are here, humans alive on earth, by way of divine intention. we are made conscious, and through that consciousness, we all have our very own connection to divine intention. many people call this connection “accessing your higher self” which is beautifully articulated because you are not separate from the conscious collective however the only way for you to access the source consciousness is through the divine intention within you.

for years, I’ve made a conscious intention to connect deeper to the underpinnings of earth, of humans, of creation and of god. i’ve learned so much, i’ve even found a purpose in my life by helping people connect more deeply with themselves, but i can’t stop digging deeper to the roots of how we humans got into this mess, or what kind of karma our species have themselves tangled up in.

i’ve tried meditation, i’ve tried drugs, i’ve tried hypnosis, and even tried a “psychic development course”. all of these roads sent me in the right direction but also sent me wandering without true intention.

recently, i’ve discovered the path that i’ve been seeking for the last 7 years. i’m now on the yellow brick road, making my way to the center, to the beginning, to the curtain veiling all truth.

coincidentally, it was about 7 years ago that i read a trilogy of books called “His Dark Materials” by Philip Pullman. you may have heard of the first book, “The Golden Compass”, because they made it into a movie.

the main character in the first book is a young girl who is given a “golden compass” known as an alethiometer. she is given the device in a hasty exchange without explanation except that it tells the truth, and to keep it a secret. in the the book, the scholars have studied and written many in-depth books about the alethiometer. reading the device is a skill that few in existence have.

the young girl however, has taught herself to read it without any teaching outside of her guts and intuition. she becomes so well versed in the tools language it becomes an extension of her. she becomes both the force and the conduit from which the energy of truth flows through her as well as the device.

her explanation about how she reads the alethiometer is intriguing and peculiar. the way she describes it is a little bit like meditation. she says she has to put her mind in a specific state, one that isn’t in thought, nor creatively focused, but somewhere in this blurry unidentified place within it all. [those are my words, from what i remember of the story.]

what i really want to share with you is . . . i’ve found my very own alethiometer, in the form of a pendulum. imagine a small 1 inch cube of wood shaped into a bulbous teardrop with a well-defined point. the point of the teardrop points down and a chain is secured to the opposite end vertically leading up to another much smaller wood ball to hold the chain from.

i dangle this pendulum a half inch or less over a piece of paper with a circle of letters and numbers printed on it. there’s a tiny dot at the center i keep the pendulum hovering over at all times, and there are lines, like sun rays, radiating from a small open circle around that center point to the corresponding letters or numbers printed larger away from the center point. as the pendulum swings, it spells things out.

i know i keep saying “about 7 years ago” but that really is the time when i bought my first pendulum. i never could get it to work very well even asking simple yes and no questions. but now, i’ve finally come to the right state of mind and spirit to be able to use the pendulum with relative ease to receive messages.

nearly every day since i received it in july i have used it, played with it, practiced my craft with it. i love testing it’s limits and looking for it’s boundaries. it’s a device i use to speak with my higher self. i’m always speaking through and receiving messages from my higher self. i’ve read that’s why it’s a trusted tool by psychics because the information doesn’t come from somewhere outside of yourself.

but, what’s crazy is, my higher self has access to things, and people, and past that i am consciously unable to access. i begin by asking a yes or no question to engage like, “may i ask my higher self…” usually the answer is yes, but sometimes it’s a no. when i asked if i can connect with god it said no. same answer for angels. then when i asked if my higher self can ask a certain other person’s higher self for a message sometimes it says yes, sometimes it says no. the people it says no to are closed to this hippy-dippy shit, and therefore closed off from connection.

i’ve learned i can ask pets who have passed away for messages. i’ve received messages from my own dogs that have died and messages from other people’s animals for them. i can also ask passed people for messages. i’ve been audacious enough to ask for messages from loved ones who have died, for me to give their surviving significant others. i can access messages about my own past lives but no one else’s.

the first time i asked for a message from my higher self i received “You fill a big hole in this world. Past, present, and future.”

i asked “what do I use this pendulum for?”
the pendulum responded “Your world. Help others see love truly. Very important.”

i asked for a message from my friend’s 2-year old to help her soothe her back to sleep in the middle of the night when she wakes up. i need to ask her if that worked at all.

i’ve learned it’s best not to ask about the future. the future is unclear and always changing. inquiring about the present, about things right now seems to be very beneficial for many people, myself included.

one of the coolest messages i’ve received was…

I am asking my higher self to connect with every other soul in the US willing to be open to me for them all to give me a message for all of us.

Trust in humanity.
Understand that more are influenced by light than dark.
Far more awake than you ever could imagine.
Politics in line with evil energy.
Higher frequencies will conquer the earth soon.
Have faith.
Trust faith is enough.
Trust you are not going as they say.
Go your own way.
Trust your heart to guide you.
Trust in humanity.

my most recent ask from the world collective was…

I’d like to tap into every single soul in the world now who is open to me. Please give me a collective message to share.

Now is the time to fight for a human’s free will.

Advice on how to do that?

Exercise no over and over.

i’ll leave you with this that I asked today…

Please give me a message from my highest self to share.

Love is unifying righteous humans. Fear is questioning human nature.

What is human nature?

What we do from a place of instinct

What is evil?

High moral superiority

What is human?

Play. Playfulness with consciousness. Playtime for spirit.

call me crazy but… i believe it speaks truth.

love, V.

The Pendulum2022-04-24T14:46:09+00:00

humankind’s patriot


for a very long time, i’ve let the wind blow me where i need to go. for about a decade now, i’ve kept my connection to my heart strong so that i can hear it whether it whispers, sings, or sounds the alarm. when i meditate, i allow myself to be pulled into a world beyond my own capacity for understanding. while awake i watch for signs, synchronicities, energetic pushes, the appearance of animals, the weather, the rise and fall of the sun as well as the moon. while asleep i see, experience, and bear witness to a whole world of things unavailable to my conscious mind.

the soul’s longing of the great spirit is everywhere. our human experience is steeped in it. if you’re looking to see with only your eyes you’ll never see all there is to see. if you’re listening to this world with only your ears, you’re missing out on so so much. if feeling is something you only experience through your skin and emotions, you have yet to experience the depths of feeling—feeling can become knowing. what you ‘know’ is a vast, infinite array of knowledge stretching far beyond your learned experience here on earth as this human.

it’s my understanding that we arrive here, as babes, in-tune with, and aware of, that infinite knowledge but we must learn to ‘know’ as a human, along with learning to know everything else that comes with being human. each day we learn things, pick up on things, and express things as both babes and adults. the process of maturation (birth, becoming mature, then dying) is the box we humans live in.

say we know before we can speak, but our inabilities hold our tongue. human life uses a ton of brain capacity. so, in order to thrive as human, we prioritize the knowledge we’ve consumed and make the important stuff for survival and comfort readily available. we keep memories from this lifetime indexed and ready to recall when something similar happens to us so that we can reference them. therefore, inevitably (with very very few exceptions), humans forget what we once knew—in order to be human.

as we mature, we experience a great many possibilities to awaken with more and more awareness of ourselves and the world, to create consciousness beyond the simple experience of our senses, and to build a better understanding of true nature.

the walls of the box we’re in are thick, built with human experience, based on primal instincts—that drive to survive. these walls are cemented in with our trauma and pain. then, plastered with the lies of civilization. even humans living closer to nature have their walls plastered with the dogmas of their people. every human lives within these dense walls, some humans have a lil thinner walls, while some are extremely thick, some humans learn of tools at a young age to pierce holes in the walls gaining tiny peeks at the fabric of existence—what’s behind the curtain if you will.

i am on a hole-poking journey. i don’t think everyone comes here (becomes human) to go on this kind of journey, but i most certainly did. i also came here to be-the-fuck out of being human. as every human is capable of complacency, i am not immune. but, my drive to continuously bring myself up is unbreakable. don’t get me wrong, i am not aiming for super human. i am most certainly not aiming to be someone else. but i observe traits in people and aim to embody those traits out of admiration and because their way, in this particular arena, resonates with me and my way.

it’s inherent to mimic things learned BUT complacency will have you continuing to mimic until death do you and your habits part, stagnant and true to tradition—todays US patriot. however, mimicking alongside your own ascension (accumulating awareness, consciousness and knowledge), will have you evolving with your maturation—humankind’s patriot.

i am, and you are, wild mother-cussin animals crazed and mad to the core, but i am, and you are, capable of some radical matrix magic. being human is fucking NUTS. you’ll die a mad wild animal if you don’t start poking holes in your box. it doesn’t matter how old you are. it doesn’t matter how much time you have. it doesn’t matter how sick you’ve become in mind or body, if you get a glimpse of what lies beyond, even though it’s completely unknowable, the fabric of existence will carry you on—a magic cussin carpet ride if you will.

go deeper, get weirder.

humankind’s patriot2021-06-14T13:07:51+00:00

Searching For Love


August 26, 2014

I don’t remember when it all started but I do remember in middle school, just wanting to be noticed. What is it about being noticed that has so much power? It’s like someone verifying your existence. But why do we need that verification? Perhaps in a sea of other preteens, I wished to be seen. I wished that me, my unique and weird self would be seen and loved. Now did I need that because I wasn’t getting a ton of attention at home? Or did I need that because all preteens need that? I don’t know, but that is the earliest memory I have of craving love.

After being noticed I wanted to be liked. I wanted someone to notice me, my unique self, and then I wanted them to like me. What a bitch it is to seek others approval, yet most everyone does it at some point. I started off needing my parents approval, then from my friends at school and then my teachers, counselors and even strangers. It’s so much easier when people like (or approve of) your words, your thoughts and your actions. If everyone likes and approves of you, who challenges you? Back then it felt like those who truly challenged me, didn’t like me, so I would stay clear of them. I only wanted to be liked, to be loved, I had no room for disapproval in my life.

Once I was liked by someone I wished to be accepted and understood. I wanted those who knew me to see it all, like it all, understood the way I tick and accept me exactly as I am. With my best girlfriends this was easy most of the time. Little girls growing up together, tend to think alike, be alike, even dress alike and act alike. All the rubbing off onto each other paves the way to be accepted and understood by these close friends. So i found love in the space between me and my friends.

Now that I had experienced what it was like to be seen, and liked, and understood, and accepted, i was exposed to the desire to have this in a partner. I don’t know why, but it was the thing to do. I don’t know where I got the idea (maybe from movies) or how in the world it became so powerful but my ideas of what love was were expanding, and I had yet to feel it this way, so naturally, the next step in experiencing this thing called love was to find a partner to experience it with.

This is when love got harder. Not only did I need to be noticed, liked understood and accepted, I had to notice, like, understand and accept someone else exactly as they are. This was so easy to do with my girlfriends. I could see their entire lives, I knew everything, making it so easy for us to understand each other’s words, thoughts and actions. But with someone new, you don’t really get to dive in the same way as with childhood friends. You have to start sharing your story but it’s scary to be so vulnerable with a new person. What if he doesn’t like this? Or understand that? Just the thought of not being accepted when I put myself out there brought in a hint of shame. How did that come to be? Why in THIS moment is it so important for THIS person to understand and accept me? I gave so much power to these moments and the outcome was always only one of two: we both put some stuff out there and were seen, liked, accepted and understood for a while or… something, somewhere in the process was not seen, not liked, not accepted or not understood so I’d quit putting my energy into it. Regardless of whichever way it went, none of these partnerships ever lasted very long but I never ceased to keep searching for a partner that I could have all these gifts with and fully surrender into.

I don’t know why this is such a common thing for so many people, women especially. To wish to seek and find “the” person that will fulfill us. At what point were we programmed to think that we aren’t full without this? What about the people who don’t search for this? Why do we think it’s sad if they always live alone, if they never have kids or a partner in their lives? Perhaps their lives are absent of this particular experience but there are many experiences I myself have not been through. Why does THIS one seem to weigh much more than other common desirable experiences. Growing up, I think the subject came up more than college or my future did. But why? As if heartache is needed to go on with my life, as if disappointment in others really inspires me to keep going, as if I can’t focus on other things until I have this thing.

Along the way, I’d have long moments in need of solitude. What I was looking for in others, I never found, and at times I’d feel that I was the only one who could truly show up for me and I honored that. But before too long, I’d always witness a beautiful partnership and choose to continue my search. This pattern went on for years with no partnership ever sticking for more than a few months at a time. I felt complicated, and misunderstood. I was so sick of missing my mark with all these tryouts so I gave up. I surrendered, and was no longer searching, in fact I was fed up with the thought of a partner all together. So of course, that’s when “he” walked into my life. He noticed me right away, he liked me from the start, he accepted my weirdness as it came up and he always tried his hardest to understand me. I noticed that he noticed, I liked him from the start, I accepted all the weird things about him and I always found a way to understand him. I was 25, and I was finally able to end the search and surrender into safe, secure, trustworthily contentment. Unconditional love. It was pure bliss. I was me, he was him, and it was perfect.

Because I had finally filled that hole that felt like a missing piece, I no longer felt like I was missing out on something that really mattered to me. So for years I rested in complete contentment, happiness and freedom to just be me. Everything that had happened in my life up until this point felt absolutely perfect. Confirming those programmed beliefs that heartache is a necessary experience, disappointment in others never stomped out my hope, and now that I have THIS thing, I can focus on other things. So, I found another hole to fill, another missing piece. This piece was my purpose (did I seriously need a partner before I could address something so fucking important?! I guess I did) and it was more than just MY purpose, it was OUR purpose. So I started posing questions out into the universe and began a new journey within my journey.

The answers I received while on my quest for purpose were irritating at first. “The answer is inside you”, “you already have the knowledge you need”, “look within”, “there’s nothing to search for, you already have it”. Like a broken record all of these answers rolling around in my head day in and day out. So I discovered ways to look within and that’s where I found the REAL hole. I hadn’t given myself me, my love, my energy, my power, my acceptance or my compassion, none of it… and it left a big gaping hole inside me. This hole was so much bigger than the missing partner hole, I think that maybe that was just a divot on the surface caused by the giant underground cave that was below. How is it that this so very important piece of myself has been overlooked for so long and NO ONE had ever taught me about it? How is this not important enough to teach in school?! I remember at the time knowing that I could have never come to this place in my life had I not had that amazing partner in my life. I knew that without him filling that space, I could have never seen these all too important things that need my attention below. Without him, I’d still be on the surface trying to fill the only hole I knew existed.

Right away, I started filling in the cave. I gave myself me, my time, my energy, and started listening to my heart. I gave myself love. I stopped judging myself so harshly and replaced the judgement with acceptance and compassion. Before long, it wasn’t a gaping hole anymore. The more time, energy, and self love, I put into the hole, the fuller it got. I started smashing so much into that hole that it started over flowing and even pushing the partner hole on the surface up and out of existence. Now, he wasn’t filling a hole anymore, he was sitting on top of where the hole used to be. He still noticed me, he still loved me, he still understood me and accepted every crazy part of me, but now, while I did still notice him, love him, accept him and understand him, I didn’t need a partner to fill that need for me anymore. I never really did but the illusion was there and I still believed in it until now.

That’s when I made the most difficult decision that I’ve ever made. I decided to leave my beautiful, perfect partner that noticed me, loved me with all of his heart, understood me and accepted all of me. So now, it’s just me and my (supposedly) whole self. I’m finding how lonely it can be as I realize how dependent I was on him to fill other little holes like my need for attention and approval. As time goes on, being alone is cultivating a sensitivity to things I haven’t been aware of in the past. I am able to see more of myself, I am able to put more faith in myself, and with all of this new awareness, I’m able to love even more of myself. I’ve replaced searching with seeing, seeking with creating, and I know now that, everything I need, really is, within me.

Now I see that love isn’t something to be found. If you seek it, you won’t find it. If you force it, you won’t have it. And if you curse it, you become hardened against it. Your love, isn’t in other people. Your love isn’t in things. Your love is deep within the depths of your soul and it doesn’t need a thing, except for you to “see” it.

I’ve realized I don’t need a partner as much as I need connections. Connections that integrate with all of me instead of filling in holes I haven’t filled myself. Connections that expand the surface area of my being, challenging me and supporting me as I grow bigger than I ever imagined I could be.

Searching For Love2020-12-16T14:10:39+00:00

connection flow VS connectivity issues


Life is full of those things that we don’t become mindful of—until we do.

Until recently, I had never tried to define or explain ‘connection’. To be honest, I don’t know if I can put my inner feelings about connection into words but I want to try.

It seems we learn human connection as babies and children. First from mom, then dad, then from your family or close friends. Everything you learn as a baby and a child molds your perception, or shall I say shapes the walls to contain your understanding of connection.

If your mom and dad are not deeply connected with each other or with you, then your understanding of connection will be shallow until something or someone comes along to show you more depth.

If you are lucky enough to have a childhood best friend that you get really close to, then you are able to expand your understanding of connection through every secret, through every tear, every fight, every laugh and every hug shared with that person.

As you age you experience continued relations with your parents, with your friends, in courtships and with lovers, further defining what connection is to you. Without ever having to put words to it, connection is defined, understood, and shaped by each and every relationship you’ve been a part of.

Once you’ve reached adulthood, your definition of connection can become a foundational support for your physical and mental well-being as a healthy human. When you find yourself able to connect with people easily without having to put up rules or boundaries about how that connection is flowing, then you will be able to find the beauty and value in meaningful connections with strangers passing by in an instant.

You may also reach adulthood with a very different idea around connection. Connection may be so sacred to you that it can only be experienced with certain people, in certain ways, through your certain walls that only allow the amount of connection to flow through that you deem necessary.

The flow of connection seems to be fluid, like rushing water, unable to truly be contained, therefore any flow restriction you experience, is a result of the barriers you’ve created inside yourself to cut you off from the flow.

The older I get the more connection seems to become all-encompassing. The most obvious connections are between myself and other humans, but then there is so so much more. Connection to pets, to the moon, to the meat I eat, from the ground to my feet. Connection is everywhere and we are surrounded with opportunities to go deeper and get weirder.

What I really want to write are my thoughts on adult human connection. I was tying to define connection for myself and the words “continuous curiosity with reciprocating compassion” keep circling back around. 

Continuous curiosity because to be connected, we must remain interested in their inner world, intrigued by the little gems you learn about them from time to time, and attentive when they share their truth with you. 

Reciprocating compassion because we must keep a genuine, mutual understanding, or a desire to come to understand one another whether or not we agree. Being aware of how each person has arrived where they are, gives a lot of insight as to why they think, speak, or act as they do.

When you lose that continuous curiosity, you lose interest, you lose gratitude for the little things you’ve learned from this person. There is nothing wrong or bad about this, it is simply a loss of connection. 

When you no longer share reciprocating compassion for each other, you lose understanding by always questioning, judging, or frustratingly disagreeing with their thoughts, words, and actions. If you no longer care to remember how they arrived here, then you will lack empathy and therefore lack connection altogether.

For a connection to truly flourish, continuous curiosity and reciprocating compassion flow both ways. When one person shuts down, the entire flow shuts down in both directions. Unless both the giving and receiving channels are open for both humans, the connection won’t be able to flow.

It’s a beautiful thing to connect with others, to experience that love, and to learn from them. It’s an honest human thing to lose a sense of connection with someone and to have to move on without that connection.

I believe connection is a sacred art within human nature. It’s not necessary to survive, but it is necessary to thrive.

connection flow VS connectivity issues2020-12-17T16:07:29+00:00
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