what did you wanna do when you grew up?
fuck if i ever really knew. i have commitment issues.

what about after high school?
i couldn’t make up my mind.

when was the first time you knew what you wanted to do with yourself, with your life, and with your time?
i knew about 7 years ago when i decided i wanted to take yoga teacher training. during the training, i was asked to write “what do you stand for, what impact do you wish to make?”

i answered “i mean to empower the people i come into contact with. to inspire, not only through my service, but through living by example.” “i stand for self-empowerment, i want everyone to believe in their own power.” And in my answers to the writing prompts that followed i wrote all about how i see myself living a balanced, wholehearted life in the future.

[if you’ve never heard Brene Brown’s description of wholehearted people or read any of her books, GET ON THAT SHIT. start with The Gifts of Imperfection]

i wrote that when i was 30. for the first time in my life, i declared what i wanted, what i meant to do and how i meant to spend my time. and i fucking meant it.

but how do i go from mildly conscious, getting pushed around by life, unhappy in so many arenas, hurt, sad, angry, and laying flat on my back where my life had left me — to where i wanted to be?

first thing’s first. when you’re lying flat on your back, start by rolling over. make like a cat and get your feet on the ground, this part is survival instinct, i can’t tell you how, it’s just like a bug or a turtle who gets flipped over, if you want to live, you just do it.

then what do you do? shit, YOU MOVE FORWARD. if all you can do is crawl, you slide one knee forward, if you can stand up, you step into that lunge position to prepare. you absolutely cannot rely on someone else to help you up, YOU have got to do this work.

and then you fucking propel yourself forward and find the strength to get your second leg to move forward as well, you catch yourself, you wobble but you learn how to balance all over again, you learn to walk, and jog, and run, and jump all over again. you get to where you’re goin, when you keep moving forward, ONE step at a time.

that’s how i got here. i learned to own all of myself. i learned to control all of myself. i learned this is a never-ending process and i’ll never master it. BUT with all my forward motion, SHIFT HAPPENED. for most of it, i had my head down just barreling though some seriously tough stuff but a few years ago i lifted my head and realized, i was mostly there.

i also wrote in my journal during training that in 10 years “I will have multiple levels of balance in my life due to an acute awareness of all things that surround me”. i wrote that in my mildly conscious state, getting pushed around by my life, unhappy in so many arenas of my life, hurt, sad, angry, and laying flat on my back where my life had left me.

in a dark hour, i had hope, i could see the light, and even though i had no cussing clue how i was going to get myself from here to there, i took one baby step forward at a time, through the muck, falling, allowing myself to wallow for a short time, then pulling myself back up. the aim has always been to just keep moving forward. whether it’s a step or a fall, it’s still forward motion.

and with that simple, solid method of forcing myself to continually take ONE step forward, i made it here. awake, aware, conscious and continuously ready to learn, to experience and sometimes to just be without the need to “do” anything. part of balance is, just being, and taking it all in — i know that now.

i’m still a work in progress. although my discipline to keep up with my intentional daily habits fluctuates, i generally get enough sleep, i eat more food that comes from the earth than from a box, i enjoy going to work everyday and my job is to empower people to empower themselves.

balance will always be an aim for me and as my life changes, the way i balance my life and my time will change too.

clear conscious awareness is also always my aim. i want to see the steps i took to succeed as much as i see the small little jabs i take at myself. i try to always be hyper aware of what i’m doing to continue to grow AND what i’m doing to create my own self sabotage.

being a human is tricky. finding balance as a human in a modern world is extremely tricky. so, if you’re going to get control of yourself, ya better get clever and find a way to walk, talk, and stand steady in an ever-changing chaotic world.

here’s a tip — always maintain enough courage and strength to take one step forward. even if you fall, it’s still forward motion.

last night, i led Day 1 of my very own Yoga Teacher Training program. the work may never be done, but, i made it. i’m finally succeeding in what i set out to do, how to be, and how to live.

i feel like a blessing to myself. i did all that work, so much cussing work JUST. FOR. ME. and now i’m right here, exactly where i meant for myself to be. 🙂

i hear teachers talking about the extremely low attention spans in children these days. i think i got the bug too. i can see myself unsettled and under-stimulated as i reach for my phone with NO real purpose other than to compulsively look at it to keep me DOING something.

i see how that stupid little handheld device is owning me.

i’ve written about my phone and how i’m was trying to break my bad habit of touching it before but nothing has ever stuck. i think the real change will come after my countless realizations about the person i have become (habits and all) and the mindful awareness that something other than me is running the show from time to time.

i don’t like to be ruled, bossed, owned, or controlled in any way (i’m sort of a brat like that). if i realize enough times that my phone is keeping me on a leash, i’ll change. i can feel the strength for this change building inside me but i may be a while out from something big.

My real life, OFF the screen is SO good. part of my compulsion is to take photos of my “so good real life”. As if i cannot trust my brain to remember the things i experience (although that may be true) and if i don’t share my life on my IG story no one will know how good it is. I have to intentionally remind myself NOT to take a picture because that’s how i miss the moment passing over and over again.

another compulsion is to keep my email inbox clean. so when email notifications come though that i can move to a folder or delete, I MUST DO IT immediately. i find this behavior to be some strong auto-pilot thing i started when i was overwhelmed with freelance work a few years ago and i haven’t been able to cut it out since.

of course, social media is an addiction but more than not, i open the app, see if i have notifications, realize i don’t and close it back down. is that really necessary?! no… i’m saying no, so why do i compulsively do it!?

perhaps it all comes down to my lack of appreciation for the space between. i’m always trying to fill it with something. while driving i can’t just drive i must look at the phone or sing with the radio. while working when i need a break, i don’t get up and walk, i pick up my phone (forehead smack). when i’m outside with my dogs and am pausing for a moment to let them run around, why not get a phone fix?

i’ve decided i’m not going to set yet another worthless goal to change my habits but i am going to commit to paying more attention to how i spend my time in the space between the things i do.

stillness, patience, waiting — these are the things i need to practice rather than finger dexterity 50+ times a day.

always practicing, always winning and losing, always sharing how it goes, Veazey

step out of your regular environment, just for a second, and see where your heart takes you.

my heart brought me to houston to see a friend. ugh, houston is not my favorite. i moved here when i was 20 to finish college at the Art Institute of Houston. i was here because here is where i was doing the work. the moment i was done with my degree, i moved away.

i arrived here in houston last night around 7pm. immediately, i remembered what my 21 year old self realized so long ago — this place is OFF. i couldn’t put my finger on it years ago but i called it “cementland” which is, in essence, the foundation of why the moment i arrive here i feel OFF.

cement puts a barrier between you and the earth beneath your feet. the “off” that i feel is the severed connection between me and the Earth. i just realized this and realized how important it has been to me my whole life whether i realized it or not. i NEED the Earth, i need to touch it and feel it and breath it… OFTEN.

whether it’s in the subconscious, the unconscious or in full awareness, your body needs to know that the Earth is near. your body needs to touch it to recharge. your body needs to breathe it to feel alive. your body needs the earth to LIVE.

last weekend i received a message that a guy i went to college with here in houston is in the ICU and shit doesn’t look good. i asked my people, “can you cover for me?” and they said yes so here i am. in houston. in cementland. surrounded by dis-EASE.

disease isn’t necessarily something that attacks you. disease happens when your body falls out of sync with it’s usual contented state of “ease”. imbalance within yourself IS dis-ease. imbalance between you and the world around you is disease. anything that keeps you from the truth, the roots, the most natural state of you, can create disease in your life and in your body.

i came here to feel something, but right now, i just feel sad. i came to be with my friend and that’s all i’m really here to do. everything else that bubbles up is bonus.

let me be clear, i don’t think that all my people here in houston are sick because of the cementland BUT… i don’t think it’s helping. disease can find anyone, anywhere at anytime. it’s so so so much bigger than this. this is just what i’m writing about today.

if you’re here, i’m not bragging like i live in a “better” place, i’m noticing that where i live, i feel much more connected and THAT enables more ease in my life.

there is a lot on my mind right now, but this is all that is willing to pour out of my fingerstips.

V

i’m deep in the practice of letting things unfold.

sure, i’m applying a little force here and there but then i’m intentionally stepping back and letting things be while i observe the energy of this world and the universe.

this “letting things be” is a BIG balancer in my life. i used to be a perfectionist, control freak but i honestly ran out of energy for it the older i got and the more i grew out of old habits.

just like giving and receiving complete the circle, the same goes for effort and ease. your life must consist of both Yin and Yang to be complete, to be content, to be truly fulfilling.

between the Yoga studio and my yoga teacher training course that starts in a month, there is a TON of effort going in. but i recognize this, and i consciously pause and let things show me how they are meant to be. i push, and watch the direction things roll. i play, and feel the impact in my heart. i explore, and learn from everything that arises.

i believe simply sitting in observation is one of the most important daily practices a human needs to thrive. like alan watts says, “if you’re constantly thinking, then you have nothing to talk about but your own thoughts.” there is infinitely more to life than what is in your own head. see what is, and you will witness the most beautiful things in life.

Alan Watts also talks about how putting effort into your own liberation is futile, check it out. it is my experience, that the greatest accomplishments of my life were not the direct result of my efforts. no, my GREATEST accomplishments have come to be through the perfect balance of my efforts and my observations.

it is my hope that through my sharing this, you may be able to observe your own thoughts, words and actions to reveal which you need more of to balance your own life: effort or observation.

i appreciate you, and your support by reading what i write. it’s one of my favorite things in life: writing down the process as i learn and grow.

words from my heart, Veazey

you’re human. you have this inherent ability to constantly learn but are you learning what is necessary for your own growth and prosperity? there is so much to learn about you physically, mentally and spiritually that it could take an entire lifetime — or more realistically, lifetimeS. so is this “practice” of learning about yourself a priority in your life’s work?

you learn whether you’re aware or not. first, you learn how to control your body, how to walk, cry, eat sleep. then you learn how to talk, how to communicate and how to manipulate. if you’re lucky, something in your life will lead you to learn about your connection to it all and your place here on earth.

maybe one day, you wake up and realize you like learning about the mysteries of you and jump on the fast track to a deeper understanding of you.

with physical practices like movement, yoga, body control, breathing, and nervous system training, you can learn loads about your body, about your health, about your resiliency, and about your own dis-ease.

through mindful practices like meditation, yoga, writing, talking to a therapist, or creating art, you can learn so much about what makes you tick, what your heart beats for and what has you tied down.

within your moving and mindful practices, a spiritual practice is born. in my opinion, it’s not really a thing you set out to practice, it just appears like magic while you practice. it’s just like this smokey air that blows through, makes everything sticky (in the fertile sense) and binds you to your practices with curiosity and passion.

time is all you really have to give — to yourself, to the things you love, and to the people you want in your life.

when you practice movement, mindfulness, and as a result, spirituality, you put TIME into YOU. if you lack discipline, find your drive hidden within everything you practice. it’s in that endless curiosity and passion that is created through explorative study. your drive to keep going, to keep practicing, and to keep doing the hard work, is in you — and it’s only revealed when YOU spend your TIME on your PRACTICE.

Perhaps the whole point of life is just that… Spend. Time. Practicing. Being. Human.

Sometimes the truth is a sneaky bitch. Love, V

i am a work in progress.

we all are. that’s kinda what’s cool about being human. when your work is finally finished, you’ll be dead. so you never have to live one day as anything other than a work in progress. you never have to put yourself out there as a finished piece for the world to criticize.

my game, my way of being and my life’s work is to look at every aspect of my life and ask, “is that working?”

i ask this with the food i eat, the exercise i practice, the people i keep close, the things i do at the studio.

seriously though, i do this with EVERYTHING. i ask “is that working?” for choosing a hand to brush my teeth with, the container i use for water, the speed of my computer, the efficiency of my daily schedule, cutting veggies up for juicing, the fulfillment of my job, the fulfillment of my closest relationships. the list goes on for-ev-verrrrrrr.

there’s only a few real answers to that question “yes”, “no”, “sorta”, and “not really”. based on these answers, i make decisions about how i choose to think, speak, and act.

when the answer is “no” or “not really”, i try new ways of thinking, speaking and acting. i truly keep an open mind and i try new things. sometimes, the new things don’t help or hurt anything but they aren’t necessarily better. sometimes the new things i try are a step in the right direction but sometimes i try things and end up getting burned.

in my opinion, all outcomes are worth the risk. the burn scars are worth the learning experience and the story. all of the attempts that felt like they got you nowhere were exercises in determination, courage and discipline. and, of course, the new things you try that actually work out great make this whole trial and error game stimulating enough to keep playing.

this is my practice. i’m rather proud of my growth, as well as the scars, that have come from it.

STEP 1: ask yourself, “is that working?”

STEP 2: based on your answer, try new things if necessary.

STEP 3: win some, lose some, get nowhere and go the distance.

STEP 4: observe your growth and tell stories along the way.

Live as a work in progress, die a masterpiece.

from somewhere in the middle of Kansas, Veazey

I was just being honest. For all of you who worried about me, thank you, but i think your energy could be better spent somewhere else. It’s not that i don’t appreciate you caring, I just don’t think my last email said anything alarming. It was just regular, real life, human talk.

Speaking of real life, human talk, last night my minions and i were talking about faith, trust & belief. it was a beautiful conversation full of passion, curiosity and vigor. no one person had the best definition of any of these words, but each of us had experienced something that gave us feelings towards them.

faith is the one that really sparked my interest. it seems, for many of us, religion has masked the truth about faith. i think it’s mostly due to the overuse of the word.

the truth about faith is…

you cannot learn it from someone else, YOU must experience it to understand.
[so… honestly, you should probably just stop reading here…]

and faith doesn’t exist out of thin air, it’s built by each individual who has it. faith doesn’t have to be in God, faith can be in life. faith can be found in circumstances. faith can be in everything and in nothing at the same time. faith can be whatever the fuck you want it to be, but it’s not what someone else told you it is.

My faith is in humans, it’s in the earth, and it’s in the space that contains us all. There is a high vibration in the space surrounding the earth and all it’s inhabitants. It’s another word that cannot be defined because you only understand through your own experience of it. This energy that binds us is love.

My faith is in humans, the earth, and the space that contains us because of the mysterious binding force holding us all together that we call love. I have come to believe that love contains contentment, peace, comfort, joy, creativity, infinity, compassion, empathy, understanding and ultimate freedom.

With all the big and little things that could be the end of the world, if my faith is in abundance, nothing can be the end of the world, no one thing can knock me off my feet. My faith becomes my super power.

It seems to me faith is believing that things, as they are right this very second, are perfect, even if i have yet to fully understand how. people too, faith is believing that people, as they are right this very second, are perfect, even if i have yet to fully understand how.

Asking a human to “have faith” is like asking them to wear invisible armor into battle. If you are struck down, was it the armor that let you down, or the lack of faith in yourself and the circumstances.

i don’t know where exactly i’m going but i am going really fucking far and i’m leanin on faith to carry me through the unknown.

my tuesday shout out to you is “keep trekkin. we aint dun yet.”

with love from Kansas, Veazey

I hadn’t fucked up in a long time. Not really anyway. I forgot what its like… but now, i’ve just fucked up so bring on the memories.

The shame, the self-debilitating talk, the feeling of disappointment not only from others but from myself, and thought after thought of wanting to go back and erase something.

You don’t get to erase anything though. Life is interesting that way. All you can do it paint over what’s already there. Create from where you are.

I’ve noticed this human tendency when we fuck up, we want to start over, but that is so rarely an option. When they can’t start over, people freeze up, sometimes panic, or lose their imagination and not be able to move forward because shit did NOT go as planned, it’s not perfect and it got fucked up.

“Now i don’t want it anymore.” Says the kid with the fucked up project. But if you don’t want to own it, with all the fuck-up-ness and you turn away from it, you’ll stay right there, stuck in that fucked up place forever.

Just like everything else, fuck ups must be accepted. Not only accepted but forgiven and embraced so that love can be put into the new solution. Nothing stays the same, so moving forward, how will you impact the course correction?

Fuck ups lead to beautiful mistakes all the time. But only if the fuck up isn’t abandoned. Where you are, in all your flawed glory, you must become the new canvas, as is. Start creating new on top of the canvas and lay it on thick so it can seep down into the fibers and rather than be a story built on broken pieces, it’s a story about healing broken pieces back together.

A message from your friendly-neighborhood human, Veazey.

p.s. i’m sorry i haven’t written in a while. things have been hard. things have also been magnificent. anyway, here’s my first attempt at getting back into my writing. i’m glad to be here, because i neeeeed this <3 and i’m so glad you’re here, human connection and support is absolutely necessary.