what did you wanna do when you grew up?
fuck if i ever really knew. i have commitment issues.
what about after high school?
i couldn’t make up my mind.
when was the first time you knew what you wanted to do with yourself, with your life, and with your time?
i knew about 7 years ago when i decided i wanted to take yoga teacher training. during the training, i was asked to write “what do you stand for, what impact do you wish to make?”
i answered “i mean to empower the people i come into contact with. to inspire, not only through my service, but through living by example.” “i stand for self-empowerment, i want everyone to believe in their own power.” And in my answers to the writing prompts that followed i wrote all about how i see myself living a balanced, wholehearted life in the future.
[if you’ve never heard Brene Brown’s description of wholehearted people or read any of her books, GET ON THAT SHIT. start with The Gifts of Imperfection]
i wrote that when i was 30. for the first time in my life, i declared what i wanted, what i meant to do and how i meant to spend my time. and i fucking meant it.
but how do i go from mildly conscious, getting pushed around by life, unhappy in so many arenas, hurt, sad, angry, and laying flat on my back where my life had left me — to where i wanted to be?
first thing’s first. when you’re lying flat on your back, start by rolling over. make like a cat and get your feet on the ground, this part is survival instinct, i can’t tell you how, it’s just like a bug or a turtle who gets flipped over, if you want to live, you just do it.
then what do you do? shit, YOU MOVE FORWARD. if all you can do is crawl, you slide one knee forward, if you can stand up, you step into that lunge position to prepare. you absolutely cannot rely on someone else to help you up, YOU have got to do this work.
and then you fucking propel yourself forward and find the strength to get your second leg to move forward as well, you catch yourself, you wobble but you learn how to balance all over again, you learn to walk, and jog, and run, and jump all over again. you get to where you’re goin, when you keep moving forward, ONE step at a time.
that’s how i got here. i learned to own all of myself. i learned to control all of myself. i learned this is a never-ending process and i’ll never master it. BUT with all my forward motion, SHIFT HAPPENED. for most of it, i had my head down just barreling though some seriously tough stuff but a few years ago i lifted my head and realized, i was mostly there.
i also wrote in my journal during training that in 10 years “I will have multiple levels of balance in my life due to an acute awareness of all things that surround me”. i wrote that in my mildly conscious state, getting pushed around by my life, unhappy in so many arenas of my life, hurt, sad, angry, and laying flat on my back where my life had left me.
in a dark hour, i had hope, i could see the light, and even though i had no cussing clue how i was going to get myself from here to there, i took one baby step forward at a time, through the muck, falling, allowing myself to wallow for a short time, then pulling myself back up. the aim has always been to just keep moving forward. whether it’s a step or a fall, it’s still forward motion.
and with that simple, solid method of forcing myself to continually take ONE step forward, i made it here. awake, aware, conscious and continuously ready to learn, to experience and sometimes to just be without the need to “do” anything. part of balance is, just being, and taking it all in — i know that now.
i’m still a work in progress. although my discipline to keep up with my intentional daily habits fluctuates, i generally get enough sleep, i eat more food that comes from the earth than from a box, i enjoy going to work everyday and my job is to empower people to empower themselves.
balance will always be an aim for me and as my life changes, the way i balance my life and my time will change too.
clear conscious awareness is also always my aim. i want to see the steps i took to succeed as much as i see the small little jabs i take at myself. i try to always be hyper aware of what i’m doing to continue to grow AND what i’m doing to create my own self sabotage.
being a human is tricky. finding balance as a human in a modern world is extremely tricky. so, if you’re going to get control of yourself, ya better get clever and find a way to walk, talk, and stand steady in an ever-changing chaotic world.
here’s a tip — always maintain enough courage and strength to take one step forward. even if you fall, it’s still forward motion.
last night, i led Day 1 of my very own Yoga Teacher Training program. the work may never be done, but, i made it. i’m finally succeeding in what i set out to do, how to be, and how to live.
i feel like a blessing to myself. i did all that work, so much cussing work JUST. FOR. ME. and now i’m right here, exactly where i meant for myself to be. 🙂